The siege of Greenland continues into its third turn as Blue forces continue their relentless push to unify the western world. Only three Yellow defenders now hold the American choke point, but the partisans have held their ground in a move top Blue officials are calling “soooooo lucky,” and “total bullshit.” Despite the gloomy predictions of both Yellow and Blue commanders, the Greenland Defenders have been victorious against twenty attacking Blues, including 7 ties that went to the defenders. Tan has offered military advice, saying Blue shouldn’t roll all three of his dice in light of the bad luck streak, but all military aid has been refused. Blue has vowed to continue its push against Greenland, but experts feel the European superpower has left itself open to attack.
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Public Access TV will always be known as the proto-YouTube for people who cared about their idiotic obsessions enough to apply to have them broadcast, but not enough to put any time or thought into them. Sometimes the results were abominable. Sometimes they were just merely atrocious. And sometimes… they were ineffable. Take, for instance, this fellow on the Hurdy-Gurdy: A different perspective on events eight years old. Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century. Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories. The pleas of my lieutenant tugged at my heart. My country needed me. And yet, there was nothing I could do.
June 3, 3049 B.C. Today I tried making a ziggurat out of beef. The number of cows required for this undertaking cost an arm and a leg, which I supplied happily from my eldest daughter. Anu was pleased with my sacrifice, and the rains came, and the rains caused the cow-keeper to go inside, allowing me to steal his cows. Out of these, I built the ziggurat I mentioned before. It was stinky and did not stand well, and had more maggots than I am used to seeing in a house of the Gods. I wailed at the altar of Ki for several hours to make up for whatever failure it was that she was angry about. However, since the altar I wailed at was the one I had just built, the efficacy of my prayers is somewhat in doubt. The cowherd was annoyed as well, mostly because I left a rotting ziggurat in his field.
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan is the Scandinavia of America: cold, out-of-the-way, and pointless. It’s like the Finnish translation of Appalachia. Somewhere along the line, someone in the U.P. thought it would be a good idea to refer to themselves as a “Yooper” (U.P.-er), and ever since, anyone with any sense has avoided it.
A deadline has been set for the closure of the Orwellian detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Apparently, the 250 illegally-held detainees failed to pay the mortgage. Congress is now debating ways of bailing out the alleged terrorists who live there. This is reasonable, because if Congress bailed out AIG executives, that standard should apply to people who are less heinous assholes. The defense of Berlin sent most elements of the German Army into a frenzied, last ditch defense of small arms, artillery, and panzershreks. What follows is the account of less well known measures taken to defend the shrinking Reich, as documented by one Nordmann Apfel, a corporal attached to the 3rd Home Defense Battalion.
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
I am writing to you as a representative of the people of Wales. I understand that you are very busy freeing South America from the tyrannical grip of a decadent Spain, but I sincerely hope you will have a chance to read my heartfelt appeal. Fuzzy Memory is an aptly-named webcomic by two creators who forgot to make it. These guys apparently made a fully-functional website, bought ads for it, and never added any content. Apparently their Project Wonderful campaign is still running on autopilot, spending their money without their supervision on a site they don’t update. We just got paid by the laziest people on the planet. |
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