Astute readers of this site will have noticed that Clunkline has recently added a new writer to our zoo: Simon Jester. Now we expect that all of you have heard of him already and probably wonder why Clunkline would sully its good name with such a monster. Certainly, the events of his scandalous life and mysterious death need no further elaboration. However, he has assured us that since his resurrection he is a changed man, and if there is one thing Clunkline stands for, it is child labor. But if there were two things Clunkline stood for, the other thing would be second chances, which is why we ask you, the readers, to give Simon Jester a shot.
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 Why A Swinger? New Mexicans demand gifts of pelts and hatchets to garner favor, and many candidates just don’t care that much.
For a few months last year, I worked with farkle-farkle at one of the worst companies I could possibly have chosen. I do not mince words. I could work in technical writing for twenty years, changing jobs every four months, and not find a worse place than American Sensors Corporation. The first time farkle-farkle said the name “American Sensors”, I thought she’d said “American Censors”—as if they stifle free speech and creativity. Well, it turns out that I was close. American Sensors instead stifles your will to exist. This is the rallying cry being echoed by filmmakers all over the globe, who have all banded together to stem the tide of “Movie with the word ‘movie’ in the title” movies. Thought to have ended when only three people in the entire world actually saw “Meet The Spartans” (two of whom meant to see “Cloverfield” but accidentally walked into the wrong theater), the franchise has suddenly sprung back to life with the upcoming release of the aptly titled “Disaster Movie.”
Mrs. Smith, I know you said not to do a book report on a movie again, but this movie is just way too good, and I think you’ll agree. The film opens with Dan Evans, an unsuccessful yogurt farmer, as he tends his yogurt orchard hoping for a lucky harvest to solve his financial problems. A band of ruffians from town, hired by the Cheez-Whiz factory owner, complicate his life (and the plot!) by burning down a few acres of his orchard. Fun fact about your favorite Clunkline author, nom de pomme: I’m left handed! That right, I’m a southpaw underhanded sinister guy. Here’s the thing, the world isn’t, and I fucking hate it. Somewhere in a parallel universe, I am the most coordinated person in the world. In this reality, however, I constantly fail at direction and mechanics because of my… orientation. So one day Ang Lee made an incredible art film called The Hulk. Like his previous films, it dealt with the love between two cowboys. Only these cowboys were a big green guy and the hot chick from Requiem for a Dream, which should totally have been titled Dirge for Some Sad People (spoilers). But instead of sheep, there was a mutant poodle thing. And some kind of starfish power that lets bullets ripple off your rippling chest. I think it was worth it though, just to see the Hulk smash a dog’s teeth into its brain simply by flexing them there. Besides that though, nothing happened for the first hour and a half. Then the Hulk defied physics a lot in the New Mexico desert (note: this is becoming a theme) but managed to kill no one. It’s common knowledge that Michael Moore plans to release a new film before the 2008 election, which he describes as a sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11. Yesterday, I had the honor of sitting down with Michael Moore one-on-one and discussing its themes in another exclusive interview for Clunkline. Tanzmetall: So tell me about your new film. It’s in German! Just follow this link! Yay! Here, Grabass_Champion puts on his Social Commentary hat, and wishes to address a problem that is one of his paramount complaints about his society, all the while hoping to amuse you while he preaches. It worked for South Park, right? Being preachy but funny? Yeah. We’ll see. This is probably going to be heavy on the preachy part. TL;DR for the whole series: Kids of the generations that will enter the workforce during the next ten years are (in the majority) nihilistic, self-obsessed, pot-addled shits with little desire to understand anything about the world around them. They are this because of the media, and because they’ve been brought up by the people who came out of the cultural revolution of the 1960s. |
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