How School Prepares Us For Life

Today, I retained my job with the U.S. Census. Ordinarily, this would not be something of note, but yesterday I was informed that I might be FIRED FROM MY FEDERAL JOB.

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Things not to show up with while couch surfing

  • Chainsaw (except in Vermont)
  • Children that clearly don’t belong to you
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    A Call to Arms

    I come to you, dear citizens, in a moment of great pain, and ask you all to do your part during this terrible blizzard. My Suggestions?
    1. Gather round your pitchforks, fire and cantankerous old men. As an angry mob, we kill the ground hog.
    2. Ladies and Gentlemen, please, blast your 1980′s Metal and frolic about outside with your aqua net and hairdryers. One will kindly encourage mother nature’s warm spell, and the other, while less effective, will be much more satisfying.
    2.a. I understand that some of you have an allergy to Aquanet. The same effect can be had by ingesting beans, beer, broccoli, and for those of you with the ever so excitable disease lactose-intolerance, have yourself a glass of milk and some mac and cheese.
    Methane AWAY!
    3. Outside, there is a bunch of fresh, clean, free water falling from the sky. Why is no one melting this and sending it to Haiti? A. Sharing is Caring, and they need it. B. We give people jobs, to melt and bottle the snow, and boost the economy with public works. C. We get the fuck rid of it!

    Jesus Saves Chrismas

    The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.

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    Review: The Chemicals that Have Been in my Eye Today

    Today I’ve opted to provide to you, the very fortunate reader, a review of various chemicals and how they felt in my eye. After painstaking research and lots of running into things given my now-very-limited depth perception, I bring you this, a review of the chemicals that have been in my eye today.

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    I Don't Mean To Bother You, But I Appear To Be On Fire


    Excuse me, could I perhaps have a minute of your time? You see, I had a bit of an accident, and now I appear to be– well, I guess you can already see for yourself. Anyway, I was wondering if you could maybe… oh, of course, I see you are on the phone, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I can just wait until you’re finished… oh, it’s going to be a while, is it? In that case, sorry to have bothered you, I will let you carry on.

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    Things I Don't Do

    1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car.

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    My Graduate Thesis (Rough Draft)

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    Headache? Muscular pain? Newly missing limb? Botched back-alley kidney removal? Getting FUCKED in the exit wound from a ROCKET PROPELLED GRENADE?!

    Whatever your pain, you’ll NEVER NEED TO FEEL AGAIN. Except like JESUS.

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    Why FooTay Is A Buffalo Bills Fan Despite Living In Pittsburgh For The Past Five Years

    You might think that, when your favorite NFL team is leading by 11 points with two minutes left in the game, it might as well be over. Surely, they’ve got it “in the bag” now and you can safely switch channels, right? You might think that, but that’s because you root for a GOOD team. Or, to use the term favored by Buffalo Bills fans, a BORING one.

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    Armed Protester Claims Sign Was Misinterpreted

    On 11 August 2009, William Kostric protested President Obama’s town hall meeting in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He held a sign reading “It is time to water the tree of liberty!”, and legally carried an unconcealed handgun. In the media frenzy (mostly over the weapon) that ensued thereafter, Kostric says he has been struggling to make clear that his sign was not making a direct reference to the entire passage written by Thomas Jefferson in a letter to William S. Smith in 1787. Jefferson’s words were:

    The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is a natural manure.

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    Tragedy: Jonas Brothers Killed After Being Ripped To Pieces By Wild Bears Then Run Over By A Prop Plane But Not Before Falling Off A Cliff Straight Into A (see article for continued title)

    Volcano which

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    The Dueling Comic Satires of Epiglottis and Priapus

    The Potty Pyramid of Djoser, where the extant copies were found. At the time of its construction, it was the tallest building in the world.

    In Ancient Greece, few dramas were more tense than this exchange of sharp words and swords between a pair of rival playwrights. Their story remained lost to history until the relevant documents were plumbed out of the depths of an Egyptian portopotty. It is supposed that they were deposited there after being discarded when an Achaemenid used them as first reading material, and then toilet paper.

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    Gather: The Magicking

    The fabled woods of Nor are usually filled with the chirping of birds this time of year. Yet in the clearing near the Tree of Infinite Truths, no creature dare stir. Sitting upon the roots of the aged elm sits the Tree Guardian, a powerful dimension traveler, the wrinkles of his years resembling the sacred bark he rests his back against. Nature itself respects the elder’s meditation.

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    Grabass_Champion's Engrish Adventures - Part 2

    So… I have returned from behind the Great Firewall, a bit shorter and a bit more slanty-eyed, and with the distinct inability to pronounce words like “bus” and “campus” without inserting a mysterious “r” sound after the “u”. In China I learned many things, from how to properly use a car horn while driving (as a signal that there is something within 50 feet of the front of the car), to how to avoid getting hit by a child happily cannoning streams of urine into the street. Two months of endless diarrhea at the hands of Wuhan food, all of which contains loads of chili peppers, coupled with the inevitable circumstance that non-potable tap water would somehow end up in my stomach, have turned my rectum into the strongest muscle in my body, and lost me about 15 pounds. A week in Beijing renewed my appreciation for being able to see more than half a mile in any direction. Two months in Wuhan, where heat indexes routinely cleared 120 degrees Fahrenheit, renewed my appreciation for more temperate climes. Okay, that last bit’s not true at all, Pittsburgh weather is still comparable to diving into an olympic-sized pool full of mayonnaise-filled water balloons. I think the point of all this is, the Chinese are awful at English.

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