It’s worth noting that if you get fired from a federal job such as the U.S. Census, it can be very difficult for you to ever get another one. Certain employers may not be too happy about it, either.

I wasn’t, though, because my boss stood up for me – *his* boss was all ready to fire me or at least demand my resignation, though, so we know it’s serious. My crime? I filled out a Census questionaire with a pen rather than a no. 2 pencil. It was the absolute FIRST questionaire I filled out, too, right after I was done with the weeklong training. I felt pretty silly about it, of course, but my boss’s assistant (who was observing me) said she didn’t think it would be much of a problem. I only found out yesterday that it might be a problem at all.

This seems rather silly to me, but I guess I don’t mind. I’d much rather be forgiving than bitter or angry, and people are coming from different places in their lives where this may seem a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Water under the bridge and all that, even if I just crossed the bridge and had several limbs bitten by passing sharks.

Now, I was homeschooled, so the only time I really spent in public school was for the periodic achievement tests and for the SATs. That said, I recall they were very clear that we had to use a no. 2 pencil to fill out the answer sheets. I was never entirely clear as to whether the pencils I had brought in with me were number two or not, as they usually weren’t labeled, but I guess they must’ve been or I would probably have been fired from education too. Clearly, all of that was preparing me for a nice career working for the decennial U.S. Census.

The pay is nice, but the earned leave is outstanding.

“It was so sweet the way the Rock of Ages filled in for the injured Santa,” said critic Danielle Steele. “And the veterinary proficiency Jesus displayed in healing Rudolf’s ailing nose was astounding. When the Light of the World worked for hours to fix Santa’s sleigh during that one montage sequence, I was ready to cry.” Added Steele, “That ticking clock motif really got to me.”

“When some zany elf rebels captured Mrs. Clause and took her to the U.S.S.R., I really thought it was all over,” said theatergoer Ray Wilkins. “The ensuing passage where Jesus tracked down and fought the Communists and their dinosaurs in their tundra lair was one of the most meaningful moments of my life, perhaps anyone’s life anywhere. It shows that while Jesus seemed hardboiled on the outside, on the inside he’s a man with a big heart… which may or may not be on fire.”

Eyewitnesses have reported that Jesus proceeded to bring back the stolen presents, reunite his estranged parents, and teach a child to believe in Santa Clause… and in himself.

“It’s a Christmas miracle,” said young Krustavich, whose faith in humanity (and in Jesus) had been restored.

This salvation of a cherished time of togetherness as a family came as a relief after 1996, when some Spanish guy saved Christmas and no one could understand him or give him a job that paid above minimum wage.

This article was previously published in readme, Carnegie Mellon University’s one-stop source for things that probably aren’t true.

Semen: One doctor also recommended this. I’m not sure if he was really a doctor. It had the notable effect of making the eye red in color and after drying caused the eye to stick shut in a very crusty manner.

Chili oil: Or more specifically, capsaicin. That’s what I was feeling, anyway. And boy, did I feel it! I ran about for about ten minutes blinking and gasping “Aah, fuck!” I would not recommend it unless you like running about for ten minutes blinking and gasping “Aah, fuck.”

Superglue: Superglue is at first quite interesting because the sensation of hardening tingles a bit in the eye and really isn’t comparable to anything else. But the novelty is swiftly replaced by dread as you realize “Oh, Jesus, how am I going to get this out of my eye?” Fortunately, I was prepared to give my eye to my research so it was no great loss for me.

Mayonnaise: I have no idea what to tell you about this one. Try it yourself. It is fuuuuuucked up.

Fire: I know this is a process more than a chemical, but I tried it anyway and I very much do not recommend it. It engenders a strong burning sensation not unlike having fire in your eye. The string of expletives following this endeavor is not fit to be published in even the most base of publications. Avoid it yourself, but I’m not entirely certain it wouldn’t make a good prank to play on others.

Concentrated Sulphuric Acid: This is a terrible way to follow up the introduction of fire to the eye. I would never recommend it. This pain was akin to nothing that I’d ever have previously thought could exist on this earth. It was then that I learned the world has many more terrors than I’d ever imagined before. Concentrated sulphuric acid has a disillusioning effect.

I have some reservations about the reviews I intend to do tomorrow which I intend to call “The Chemicals that Have Been in my Other Eye Today,” but I still intend to carry them out.