food « Clunkline

North Korean State Sponsored Television Schedule for March 2009

Mar. 24, 2009, 9:25 by nom de pomme

EVERY DAY, 8PM-8AM: Static

Tanzmetall's Recessipes

Mar. 11, 2009, 16:35 by Tanzmetall, Burpen

In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*

*Taste buds cannot be tightened.

Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.

Cheesecake

Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.

Ingredients:

1 Oreo crust
2 packs ValuTime® American cheese

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Tales of Darkest Africa, or Mumbato's Revenge

Feb. 23, 2009, 15:14 by nom de pomme

Whereupon I departed from Ipswitch with twenty-five souls, eight heavy guns, munitions, supplies, pack-animals, and the Queen’s blessing to map the great interior of our new Cape Colony, I, Sir Ramash Cornwall, began this log of my expedition for publication upon my return.

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Bitches

Jan. 30, 2009, 19:37 by nom de pomme

bitches bitches bitches yo
yo gona be a bitches moe
moe sez bitchies aint his thing
what you talkin bout you a mean
bitches bitches bitches yo
whatever you do, dont do nuthin low

There I was, walking down the street
I saw the frenchman, said “what have you to eat?”
“Ze wine und ze cheese eez my favorite treat”
then we had food, and a bird went ‘cheep’

Common Domestic Uses for a Penguin

Dec. 1, 2008, 21:48 by nom de pomme

1. Food
2. Blowjob

Musings of a Thoroughly Dissociative Looney – Part 5

Nov. 8, 2008, 20:11 by Grabass_Champion

The price of gas is killing me… Sometimes I have to leave my lead weight collection at home. The beached whale on my roof is going to have to go next. I guess that’s what you get for parking below the tide line.

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My Pet: Peeves

Oct. 12, 2008, 21:12 by Hedge

Looking for some way to spice up my life, I figured I should adopt a new pet. After all, even with two dogs, a cat, and a gecko, you can always make room for one more! So I went down to the local back-alley pet store to see what they had in stock. I figured I should get something different to change things up a bit, so I opted to see what birds were available. To my dismay, almost all of the birds had recently mysteriously vanished while the Leopard was looking a bit heftier than usual. So my options limited, I purchased the only one able to successfully disguise itself in the massacre: a penguin.

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The Economy is Boring

Oct. 1, 2008, 14:17 by Tanzmetall

We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring.

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Man Argues Loudly with Television

Sep. 15, 2008, 5:18 by Tanzmetall

“What?! That’s not… NO. No, you can’t go on national TV and say that. You just can’t. You lying sack of shit,” spewed Derrick Watson of Bridgeville, PA, at the television this weekend. “GOD DAMMIT! Now you made me spill my fucking Coke! I’m gonna fucking kill you, first the lies and now the goddamn Coke!”

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Nom de Pomme’s Guide to Nations: Zimbabwe

Aug. 2, 2008, 23:34 by nom de pomme

Howdy everyone and thanks yet again for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Zimbabwe. As a world traveler, I have taken it upon myself to synthesize my acute knowledge of this mythic and amazing land for you the reader to enjoy. For a more memorable reading experience, place the book on a coffee table and do sit ups next to it. See how many words you can read per sit up, then try to break that record!

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Clunklanalysis: Obama’s VP Picks, Part II

Jul. 1, 2008, 23:02 by Tanzmetall, nervestaple

Bill “Tuco” Richardson	Joe “Irrelevant” Biden

Profile	Profile
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is half-Mexican, half-American, and all spice. His jolly jowls jiggle with laughter as he explains his national security credentials. He is the big, huggable teddy bear of the Democratic Party, and the only teddy bear to run for the White House since Teddy Roosevelt. Full of experience, happiness, past ambassadorial appointments, and Ricky Martin-esque Latin charm, Bill Richardson would help Obama make the term “White House” a misnomer.	Delaware Sen. Joe Biden, commonly mistaken for Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd, is largely distinguished from Dodd by the fact that his eyebrows could not hold back the rising waters of the Mississippi. What this means is that Biden and Dodd are otherwise similar, in terms of being relatively unremarkable white guys. Biden supposedly has a lot of national security experience but who cares? Can he cook me up some habanero sauce?

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OGTAB, Part 2 - Burger Time

Jun. 10, 2008, 0:08 by Burpen

(For the uninitiated, forgetful, or those intimidated by acronyms: Old Games That Amuse Burpen. OGTAB OGTAB OGTAB OGTAB…)

In Burger Time, you play as Peter Pepper, a chef faced with the challenge of composing absolutely gigantic hamburgers while being pursued by 7-foot walking sausages, eggs, and pickles.

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USA FEAST Act Suspends Freedom to Eat

May. 13, 2008, 14:57 by Tanzmetall

Yesterday, the USA FEAST Act was signed into law by President Bush, marking a milestone in the fight against Terrorism with a capital T. It plans to selectively limit Americans’ food intake, building on the foundation of the USA PATRIOT Acts, which remove civil liberties so that the government can better fight Terrorism by finding out who’s getting abortions.

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