Clunkline's Annual Financial Report

Annual Report of the Finances of Clunkline.com, INC.

Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.

Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.

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The Weirdest Spam Ever: The Search for Rhett Aderholt

A little while ago, a new account on Clunkline Forums posted this:

Hey…
by Speebyenano on 07 Dec 2009, 08:25

Hi!

Am fairly new to this community and just thought it would be a good idea to introduce myself and say “hello”.

For once a solid forum with colors that I can stare at – which really is a refreshing change!

I am here to learn & get involved. How could I best contribute?

Cheers!

PS: – I am attempting to locate a long lost friend by the name of Rhett Aderholt, Where could I search for him?

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Hawaii's Natural Beauty

Hawaii has a surprisingly gritty underside. No place on Earth is free of stupidity… they just all have different stupidities, and some are more stupid than others. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen so much of this if I had the money to be a real tourist, but I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and here are the splinters I got.

Click for bigger pictures.

In the Hilo Wal-Mart parking lot, I saw this Alaskan pickup. (Yep, we went to Wal-Mart on vacation.)

In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here?

This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.

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Clunkline Security Report

Dear Mr. Burpen,

We have completed the requested security report. We find that, while the newly redesigned Clunkline is impervious to most forms of internet tomfoolery, it is still vulnerable to some forms of “side-stream” attacks: attacks that come from outside a system, rather than within. For instance, a torrent of page requests that clogs your servers would be an in-system attack, but smacking your server with a sledgehammer would be side-stream.

Interestingly, hacking Clunkline’s password would be “brute force”, but breaking into your apartment, clubbing you to death, and stealing your server is side-stream. I dare say they have been misnamed! Back to the point. You should be aware that, in our test of your security protocols, our agents found it very easy to club you to death and steal your server.

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ClunkMD: Chronic MMO

Chronic MMO: Topic Overview

Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.

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Words From A Giant

You should visit the Forums. Hell, you should post something there, too.

(click for full size)

5 Internet Memes That Never Quite Made It

It’s a fact: not all internet phenomena are created equally. Every once in a while, a bizarre idea spawned in the festering forums of 4chan will get lucky enough to make its way out into the real world and enter the everyday lives of normal people; but for every “Hamster Dance” or “Peanut Butter Jelly Time,” there are at least three other attempts at creating the next big cultural icon that never make it too far past the planning stages…

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The Revenge of awkward.jpg

Thong Man made another appearance on our forums recently. Having found a second image of him, I figured, well hey, time to do another Photoshop article, right?

But this time, he got his revenge, because all the other writers were too revolted by his appearance to touch it with a 10-foot-long magnetic lasso.

So with that introduction, if you click “Read the Full Article” below, I’ll accept no blame whatsoever if you don’t like what you see.

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The Adventures of Wallgrampa.jpg

The original, wherein Wallgrampa poses for all the internet.
Being Wallgrampa, his biopic.

This image of a cheery but bizarrely-clothed Russian tourist appeared in Burpen’s Samba article a few months back. Although not as repulsive as the infamous awkward.jpg, the only thing stopping us from photoshopping him into strange situations months ago was our lack of time. But now, with finals looming for the students among us, excuses not to work are treasured.

And so I bring you: the Lurid Life of Lyurej.

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Rise and Fall of a Sockpuppet: The j_wilkin Saga

Way back when the Forums were young, when farkle-farkle, nervestaple, and I lived together, when the grass was green and the economy was real, I made a mistake.

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StudKickass 5: Clunkline Strikes Back: Electric Boogaloo

Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.

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StudKickas’s Declaration of War!!!

Ha ha ha i laugh! I have infiltrated your internet web site. Little did you know when you made fun of my inability to draw comprehensible comics. I can “hack” your “forums” by using common interntet tools and crash them. Ha ha internet tools, like you!!

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StudKickass: A Webcomic for the Ages

I am an expert on terrible webcomics.

About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.

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The Beginning

I’d been playin’ them all from the start.

I took a drag from my cigarette and kicked Tanzmetall in the ribs. Nothing but a bloody death rattle from him. He was a goner for sure, and by lucky chance he had saved me some work. NDP was down, and I made sure he stayed down for good.

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The Adventures of awkward.jpg: Part II

Last time, you joined us as we took Thong-Man and photoshopped him into something more comfortable. This time, well, is exactly the same as last time, basically.



There is no thong.

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