Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.

Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.

For starters, we started the year with an amount of money, which, due to a fire at the bank, was lost forever. Afterward, we were awarded literally dozens of dollars in a settlement. As we all know, this was mostly spent on buying electricity and registering for some thing on the World Wide Web’s Internet. The initial idea of buying all our electricity at once in the form of car batteries turned out to be not very cost effective, and the resulting environmental lawsuit for improper disposal in the center of the Franklin football field covered in a blue tarp and doused with kerosene would have been catastrophic, had they caught us. Luckily the guards there are quite slow and can be taken down with just one or two bullets.

From there, we decided to create content and have pizza parties, and I must say those were some delicious and financially devastating parties. In all, we spent a good 800% of our income on party related items, including a palate of conical hats we stole from a supply warehouse but never wore, mainly because the police were on lookout for a cohort of hat thieves wearing stolen hats. We also disposed of those in the center of the football field at Franklin, covered in a green tarp (to be environmentally friendly) and doused in Diesel fuel.

Additionally, there were some medical bills we had to shell out for when Tanzmetall and Grabass Champion got into that knife fight and Nervestaple had to break it up by firing a flare gun at them. Flares are expensive, and that knife was bent when it glanced off Tanzmetall’s skull. There were also close to eight thousand dollars in travel expenses when we flew to Montana to interview shellapanic, even though we never found her. (Aside: Where were you? We ended up next to some cows. Were there cows near you?)

As far as paying for our registration and whatnot, I suggest that we go to our ISP with baseball bats and threaten them, because that’s the only way Comcast will learn. After that, we should contact our domain registrar and pay with a credit card.

That concludes this report, which will be submitted to our bank in order to prove our financial stability. Below please find some selected financial data:

Cash on hand: $38.44 (metric) Investments: one female Canadian dog grooming championship team Revenue Expected: $23.99 (imperial) and one hundred kilograms of 99.999% pure Chinese gold bullion (hint hint GBC)

Hey… by Speebyenano on 07 Dec 2009, 08:25

Hi!

Am fairly new to this community and just thought it would be a good idea to introduce myself and say “hello”.

For once a solid forum with colors that I can stare at – which really is a refreshing change!

I am here to learn & get involved. How could I best contribute?

Cheers!

PS: – I am attempting to locate a long lost friend by the name of Rhett Aderholt, Where could I search for him?

Now, spambots are not uncommon on the Forums as our (old version of) PHPBB has a really weak CAPTCHA. But this was spam of a bizarre variety. No keyword or link stuffing. The user’s website was a little dubious (a spammy-looking blog pushing weight loss products), but the message posted just looked like… spam for the sake of spamming. But the part about Rhett Aderholt was totally out of place.

It’s our unofficial policy to do a little “internet detective” work whenever a new user appears on the forums. Mostly this is to quickly determine whether the account is a spambot. Speebyenano’s message appeared, with subtle variations, on a multitude of other message boards.

Users of some of the other boards on which this message appeared did similar research and went into lengthy discussions over the motivation behind this post.

The posts elsewhere had the same general idea: new user introducing himself, kind of a generic post, and then mentions his quest to find Rhett Aderholt. Sometimes the poster describes Rhett as a long-lost friend; other times Rhett is a cousin.

Rhett Aderholt, despite garnering about 36,500 Google results (and ~23,100 results for the exact phrase) at the time this article was written, remains an unknown entity, at least as far as I can tell. (I hardly dug deep.)

It does seem likely that this is a fictional person because of the noted relation inconsistency. But perhaps Rhett Aderholt was a friend of the poster and also a cousin. So I wouldn’t say it’s damning evidence of the poster being a spambot. If anything it would be the utter lack of information presented about this Rhett Aderholt that nudges my suspicion. Certainly if this poster were seeking so desperately for Rhett, there would be some kind of details to share to further the search. But the poster offers none.

Putting aside the truth of Rhett Aderholt’s existence, it remains that for one real person to register and post on so many boards, in a non-automated fashion, is virtually inconceivable. According to a poster in the thread linked earlier in this article, the number of results for “Rhett Aderholt” on or around the date of 18 Nov. 2009 was around 13,000.

Let’s do some math.

It’s now 74 days later. The number of search results is now 23,500 greater, or 10,100 greater if you assume that the search from November was for the exact phrase “Rhett Aderholt”. So there have been an average of 136 to 317 posts per day since then. If a real person is posting these, they have been posting a projected average of 7.5 to 17.6 times per hour, or once every two to ten minutes, assuming that they are awake and sitting at a computer doing nothing but posting for an average of 18 hours a day, 7 days a week.

In other words, the probability that this is legitimately from an actual person seems prodigiously low, unless someone somewhere is spending their life posting all across the internet in a half-hearted search for Rhett Aderholt.

Which brings us to a much more believable possibility about the nature of Rhett Aderholt, suggested by the same poster who noted the number of search results as previously noted.

Could this person actually be Rhett Aderholt trying to get his name up in lights, so to speak?

Is there some benefit from having your name come up thousands of times in a search engine?

Purely speculation, yes. But perhaps the most likely explanation for this phenomenon.

Click for bigger pictures.

In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here? This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.

Apparently they didn’t sell enough of these before 2001. At this point, they probably never will. I really want to see the “of Hawaii” belonging to Cowboy! After I finished this, I did in fact pound my hands on the table and yell, “I HOG POG.” Brad was not amused. The only company name dumber than this one is Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac. Hilo’s Borders sells only the finest!

After seeing the price tag, it makes sense why Uwe Boll can afford Jason Statham. SCHINDLER’S LIFT Hoping to see fragments of the USS Arizona for sale, I patronized the Hilo Army Surplus. I was disappointed. Instead of char-broiled sailor’s hats and unexploded Japanese munitions, I saw a series of horrifying mannequins. This one is probably the worst. I cannot decipher what emotion her Cheshire Cat grin is supposed to belie. I only know that it stimulates my fight-or-flight instinct. These kids, and something about the haphazard way the helmets and wigs are thrown on the heads, disturbs me deeply. I am troubled by the way their sightless eyes stare unseeing into my soul, and do not know why two soldiers so young would be marching to war in American fatigues. It does not bode well for the next generation if they are to be drafted at so young an age to fight against all the evil in the world (such as the woman seen above).

Also, it’s impossible to tell from my shitty cellphone camera, but the one kid only has one finger remaining on his left hand. A ringing testamonial for our soldiers’ present situation in Iraq! COMPELLING DETAIL The stuff of FooTay’s nightmares.

This vacation happened a year and a half ago but Tanzmetall was simply too lazy to scan the I Hog Pog picture until just now. So there.

We have completed the requested security report. We find that, while the newly redesigned Clunkline is impervious to most forms of internet tomfoolery, it is still vulnerable to some forms of “side-stream” attacks: attacks that come from outside a system, rather than within. For instance, a torrent of page requests that clogs your servers would be an in-system attack, but smacking your server with a sledgehammer would be side-stream.

Interestingly, hacking Clunkline’s password would be “brute force”, but breaking into your apartment, clubbing you to death, and stealing your server is side-stream. I dare say they have been misnamed! Back to the point. You should be aware that, in our test of your security protocols, our agents found it very easy to club you to death and steal your server.

We also note that Clunkline is vulnerable to missile strikes. When we targeted Grabass_Champion’s house with seventeen SCUD trucks, he did not appear to have any anti-missile defense systems in place to detect or destroy the incoming ordnance. The Forums server was obliterated. We recommend that, in the future, you install defenses against this sort of attack.

Lastly, there comes the issue of our pay. Our fee is $2.47 for every billable day, plus the cost of SCUD missiles and the price of our legal counsel. However, we know you cannot currently pay this, as we stole all the money from your checking account. In order to make things easier, we have passed the debt on to your family.

Have a nice day!

Jim Begley-Varch Founder, Begley & Varch Security Systems

Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.

Causes

Though the exact causes are unknown, chronic MMO is known to be a communicable disease. Some studies suggest that it could be the result of saliva transfer on shared bottles of Mountain Dew or Jolt Cola, but those studies are considered invalidated by many because some people develop this particular condition even if they have no friends with whom they might share drinks. It is also theorized that a steady intake of caffeine, exposure to radiation from a cathode ray display, and a nocturnal sleep schedule combine to trigger this condition.

Symptoms

Chronic MMO usually causes a dramatic whitening of the skin. On the Elmer’s Paste Index, Chronic MMO patients often register skin tones from Glue-All (9.6) to Tri-Tix (9.95). In some patients a weight increase also accompanies a Chronic MMO infection, but others maintain a skeletal figure. A decrease in muscle mass almost always accompanies a Chronic MMO infection. Personal hygiene usually declines as well, frequently resulting in acne that rates on the Pizzaface Scale from Pepperoni (5.32) all the way to Supreme (7.8) or a near-fatal Meat Lover’s (9.33).

In terms of psychological effects, patients with Chronic MMO often experience a sharp decrease in interpersonal skills, and usually experience only ephemeral or utilitarian relationships with other human beings. For example, a Chronic MMO patient by necessity must occasionally confront a convenience store clerk to purchase more Mountain Dew or Jolt Energy Drink, which is a purely utilitarian relationship. They also sometimes must speak to their parents, who inevitably fund their existence, usually to confirm that the patient is still alive, or to request some sort of microwaved frozen food. Other than these connections, Chronic MMO patients generally only maintain social connections to other Chronic MMO patients through the internet, and often these connections are ones where the patient pretends to be someone completely different, usually some sort of fantasy character. On internet forums, Chronic MMO patients often voice very strong opinions about things like copyright law, the quality of the latest video games, and the ins and outs of various fantasy metal bands. Because it is so important to a Chronic MMO patient to express these strong opinions, they make very few true friendships in their internet realm.

In the worst cases of Chronic MMO, patients enter a state of being effectively dead to the rest of the world. Sometimes they are not seen by another human being for long enough that they are pronounced legally dead, which presents huge problems for them if they re-emerge into society. Chronic MMO is a common cause of accidental life insurance fraud.

How is Chronic MMO diagnosed?

Common tests for Chronic MMO include blood testing for nearly-toxic levels of Yellow 5 color additive, tests of the eyes for extreme light sensitivity, and physical tests such as the ability to lift a six-pound weight with one arm. Psychological interviews can also be used to confirm a case of Chronic MMO, usually to detect strong misanthropy or a lack of romantic involvement for an extended period of time. Sometimes the latter turns up a false positive, though, as it is also a common indicator of another disease called “ugly”.

What increases your risk?

The most at-risk populations for Chronic MMO are white and east Asian males between the ages of 12 and 26. Females of these races and ages are also at risk, but generally only if they’re the sort that always hung out with males as kids. Other risk factors include an interest in fantasy literature or anime, particularly-dorky parents, and underexposure to sunlight. Disproportionate numbers of Chronic MMO patients also are addicted to pornography, and likewise disproportionate numbers of them have never experienced a romantic relationship. It is thought that an unusual sleep schedule and overconsumption of caffeinated drinks increases the risk of developing Chronic MMO, but it is yet to be determined if that is a cause or a symptom.

How is it treated?

Chronic MMO is a difficult condition to treat. Usually the patient will resist treatment because the nihilism that Chronic MMO inspires makes them psychologically incapable of perceiving value in exercise, socialization, sunlight, or personal improvement. Some Chronic MMO patients manage to “grow out of” the illness, which often involves getting a more productive hobby or simply exercizing the willpower to stay away from their computers. If a Chronic MMO patient is forced into a normal sleep schedule, sometimes their symptoms will decrease. Some patients, if presented with an opportunity to become involved with a particularly attractive member of their desired gender, will experience a remission of Chronic MMO, but usually the condition returns after the MMO patient makes a mistake that drives the potential lover away.