Early Airport Design Sketches from "Aeroport Run-Way Theory" by early 20th century aviator Franzen del Mutel

Translated from the original German, these images and excerpts are from what is considered the founding text of aerodrome design at a time when heavier than air flight was less than a decade old. Del Mutel’s designs were mostly visions of structures to be built in a European future where cities had expanded so vastly that large, area-swallowing tracts of land for airports would be unavailable.

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Songs that Don't Actually Have Any Lyrics

I almost never hear anything when people sing. It’s all Charlie-Brown’s-Teacher noises until the song ends. Wa wama wa wa. But with some songs, it’s worse than others, to the point that I start to suspect that they’re doing it deliberately.

Let me clarify. I’m not talking about Mondegreens. I’m not talking about Fuck It’s an Owl. I’m not talking about “Good King Wenceslas Lost his Crown”. I’m talking about cases where I don’t just mishear words. When I don’t hear anything. And I secretly suspect that’s because, with most of these, there aren’t actually any words.

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Fanatic Mail

July 12, 1919

Dear Mr. Chaplin,

I just wanted to write to say how much of a fan I am of your work! Even here in Munich, whenever a poor paper-hanger like myself can scrap a few hundred thousand marks together, I can think of no better way to spend an afternoon than to watch you “tramp” about! A good joke, yes? I think I have a future as a writer, but am focusing on painting at the moment. I feel I just need a decisive look to define myself, and so I was writing to ask if I could use your trademark mustache to help with my own image?

Thanks again!
Adolph H.

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Transcript of the Diet of Worms

Reichsmarschall Ulrich von Pappenheim: You shall be held accountable for your actions, Martin Luther, and be made an example of.

Luther: You cannot do this! Persecuting me opens a can of worms!

Reichsmarschall Ulrich von Pappenheim: That brings me to the Edict of Worms: you must eat this bucket of worms.

Luther: You suck!

FIN

My Exile

Hereditarily-incapable of growing a beard, I have simply lengthened my moustache. Due to the difficulty of eating through it, I have also become a filter-feeder.

They say I am dead. That I will never haunt the world again. That I shot myself in a bunker in Germany sixty years ago. What they don’t know is that I had a long-hidden twin brother who actually was the one who died, and that I learned the secrets of eating right and exercising. I have lived to see the ripe old age of 120. They also don’t know where I’ve been hiding, the one place no one has thought to look: Sentinel Island. From the smallest of the Andaman Islands, I shall attempt my comeback.

For years, I thought I was off to a good start. I smacked these foolish islanders into a steely, unforgiving discipline. I have trained them to make unmotivated attacks on all outsiders. And though they have never met a Jew or Frenchman, they assure me that if they ever do, they will growl menacingly.

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From Racist to Bassist

Particle Physicists Hold World Hostage

SWITZERLAND

European particle physicists in control of the Large Hardron Collider have taken the world hostage, demanding an outrageous ransom list while threatening to activate the LHC and in turn creating an oscillating black hole which will rend the Earth in twain.

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Swing State Profiles: Michigan


Why A Swinger?
Rampaging robocops rebelliously reduce residents to random radical reserves.

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The Problem with Godwin’s Law

You know who else upheld the rule of law?

Hitler.

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Nom de Pomme’s Guide To Nations: Greenland

Hello all and thanks for buying my latest edition of the Guide series, Guide to Nations: Greenland. As a world traveler I have labored long and hard to bring you the most accurate representation of this beautiful country, its storied history and vibrant culture.

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Obama Appointed Reichskanzler of the German Empire

Following last week’s speech in front of the Victory Column in Berlin’s Tiergarten, German citizens became so uplifted and emboldened that they ‘pulled a reverse France’, dissolving and liquidating the democratic government and installing Barack Obama as the Chancellor of Germany’s Sixth Reich, which is just a modern copy of their second.

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Clunklanalysis: McCain’s VP Picks, Part I

Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman
Profile
Profile
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick. Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.

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Luxembourg Shocks World, Invades Lichtenstein, Monaco, Andorra

In what is being hailed as a ‘miracle of tactical maneuver’, the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg has nearly doubled its land empire in its most successful large scale ground assault ever.

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An open letter to Europe from the desk of R. Herman Fluter

Dear Europe,

Howdy you pansy ass bunch of sissies!

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Who Was Watching The Soviets?

I just got back from seeing Indiana Jones 4. It was pretty good, except for this idiot and his fat wife who sat next to me who kept going back for more pop and popcorn (via where I was sitting) for the whole movie, laughed at the most plebian of jokes, and who would guess the endings to lines, out loud, when it was delayed for dramatic or humorous effect.

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