Silent Night: A Christmas Carol

“A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!”, cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge’s nephew, who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.

“Bah!”, said Scrooge. “Humbug!”

He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this nephew of Scrooge’s, that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and his breath smoked again.

“Christmas a humbug, uncle?”, said Scrooge’s nephew. “You don’t mean that, I am sure?”

“I do”, said Scrooge. “‘Merry Christmas’! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You’re poor enough.”

“Come, then”, returned the nephew gaily. “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You’re rich enough.”

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Clunkline at Two: A Retrospective

Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.

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Merry Christmas, Tanzmetall

Clunkline’s 2 year anniversary and 1,000th article are coming up, and Tanz wants the two to coincide.

So, my gift to you is this article to bump the counter that much closer to number 1,000.

Merry Christmas, don’t expect me to get you anything else.

And I hope you got me something nice and/or expensive.

I got you an electric dildo I found in my neighbor’s garbage. The batteries are still inside but I think the acid is leaking. Merry Christmas to you too! -Tanz

Dear Vendtastic001

I’m sending you this e-mail because I just bought ebay item number 190353755240 (“FAKE POOP, PARTY FAVORS, FUNNY GAG GIFT FAKE HUMAN POOP”) from you for the Buy it Now price of $4.99 and I just realized that your shipping price is $68 for standard FedEx ground shipping. Now, I’ve done some research and found that for a standard fake turd the largest weight I could find was 0.74 pounds. And in your description it says the turd is about 4″ long so there are no concerns of dimensions that would drive up the shipping costs. This leads me to believe there was a mistake on your part, possibly a typographical error. Please correct this for me so that I can go ahead and let Paypal send you my payment.

Thank you,
Richard Kaasman

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I did not have friends growing up. I was too quiet, too reserved, too terrified of being hurt by other people. My parents never beat me, in contrast, the house was overly safe, and I think that’s what the problem was. My mother had constructed a sanctuary for me to keep out the evils of the world, but by the time I would have entered school, it was a psychological prison. Years passed by in solitude as I remained stagnant. Time has no meaning to those who remain unchanged.

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Give me 41.67 cents, and I’ll take $26,400

The evils of the metric system have, for too long, infected our currency system. How can a nation built upon archaic and arbitrary measuring systems allow its financial system to be neatly divided by factors of ten? Our rich history has dozens of arbitrary units we could use instead, but we’ve never had a way to bridge the complex English system of measurement with our base-10 currency system.

Until now.

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Tales of Public Access TV: Go Tell It on the Hurdy-Gurdy

Public Access TV will always be known as the proto-YouTube for people who cared about their idiotic obsessions enough to apply to have them broadcast, but not enough to put any time or thought into them. Sometimes the results were abominable. Sometimes they were just merely atrocious. And sometimes… they were ineffable.

Take, for instance, this fellow on the Hurdy-Gurdy:

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If I Did It: the Shocking Story of How I Killed O.J.’s Wife and Friend

In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece.

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Swing State Profiles: New Mexico

Why A Swinger?
New Mexicans demand gifts of pelts and hatchets to garner favor, and many candidates just don’t care that much.

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StudKickass: A Webcomic for the Ages

I am an expert on terrible webcomics.

About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.

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Keating Six Panned as Not Quite as Good as its Prequels

John McCain (R-AZ) and several fellow lawmakers were charged with violations of Senate ethics rules last Tuesday. It is the sixth installment in a franchise of corruption, but the critical consensus is that it is not as interesting or surprising as the last episode, Keating Five. Despite its poor critical reception, nobody can deny it was lucrative. It netted the senators involved a combined $50 million on its opening weekend.

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Ted Stevens’s Last Pork Barrel Project

Senator Stevens is attempting to move his trial to Alaska. Like before, with Federal funds or lobbyists’ gifts, his solution to his problems is to put things where they shouldn’t go. It’s another incident in a lifetime of corruption. Stevens should consider kicking his habit of dumping things onto big trucks and moving them places they don’t belong.

It’s a trial that, like the bridge, is going nowhere. I doubt we will see Stevens placed behind a series of bars.

Fap, fap, fap...

No, this has nothing to do with masturbation. Well, at least, I think it has nothing to do with masturbation.

This device was created long before imageboards were even a funny feeling in someone’s balls, and was called the “fapper” before a gaggle of horny 14-year-olds decided that “fap” would be a great word for “masturbate”. Anyway, watch the video before I give too much away… It’s delightfully hilarious.

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Grabass_Champion: bag. bag.
Grabass_Champion: OMG
Grabass_Champion: TEHRE IS INTER NET IN HAWAY?!?!?!?!
Tanzmetall: sorry it appends that onto every message I send
Grabass_Champion: CL took a brief dive today, as you’ve no doubt read by now
Tanzmetall: seems ok to me
Grabass_Champion: well, yeah, it’s back up now
Tanzmetall: god dammit

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A play in two acts by Vincent Brown


JIM and TOM are somewhere. TOM wants JIM to write about two things: either carrots, or BEES.

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