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In an effort to close the $15 million gap in this year’s City Budget, Pittsburgh Mayor Ravenstahl the Younger has made moves to install a “slow driving” tax. “Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference. 1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car. Before I started on the Plutonium Abs program, I was just a scruffy little weakling, just like you. I was overweight, at 4 foot ten and over 200 pounds, but yet I couldn’t lift as well as girls who only weighed 130. But just look at me now! I’ve grown a foot, lost my belly, all while gaining 400 pounds of pure muscle. I actually use most of the muscle to hold the rest of my muscles up. And can you tell I weigh 600 pounds? No! I look great, because I’m roughly as dense as freshly-milled steel. In a move that NSA operative Marvin Jenkins calls “only the biggest waste of time ever,” the digital TV converter boxes handed out by the government were installed with hidden cameras, allowing them to monitor the private lives of citizens. It’s a decision which everyone involved is seriously regretting, however, as so far the only result of this not-so-secret program has been hours upon hours of footage of pasty, old, fat people staring mindlessly at their screens. Leonid’s an inexperienced nuclear technician three months on the job, two if you don’t count all the clowning around he does! Number four is an RBMK-1000 reactor at the end of his fuel cycle…and at the end of his wits! Together, they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” Tonight’s Episode: Worst Case Scenario…ever! We open on the control room as Leonid walks in FOUR: Did you manage to get the lights back on in corridor thirteen? It’s time again for the Clunkline “columns from you guys” feature, where we give you, the reader, a chance to voice your opinion. Today’s guest column comes from Garth Q. Jennings in Dead Possum, Alabama, who dictated the following rant to one of our secretaries because he himself can’t type. Or spell. *** If Nuclear Weapons Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Nuclear Weapons by Garth Q. Jennings Well, the government is at it again! Trying to infringe on my God-given right to carry a nuclear missile for self defense. And put “God-given right” in all caps. Wait, are you writing that down, too? Don’t write this part down, just the rest of it. A different perspective on events eight years old. Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century. Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories.
Chicago is busy constructing a school for the victims of bullying. That’s great—they should build more schools like this, for my amusement. Because you see, in every social circle imaginable, someone will be picked on. I have fun imagining the guy who’s a big enough loser to get picked on at THIS school. Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday. “We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.” Ha ha, that title tricked you into reading something boring. In the interests of full disclosure: this article is not about Anus McKringle, so you can stop now if you don’t care about politics. You know the feeling you get while watching Lord of the Rings… In the middle of the trilogy, you don’t expect it to ever really end. On an intellectual level, you know it will, and you may have even seen it before or have read the books and know how it does, but it goes on for so long, and it drags you down into such a feeling of futility and hopelessness, that you never really believe it will? It just feels like Frodo will always be walking towards Mordor. Likewise, to me, it feels like Bush will always be a lame duck, and Obama will asymptotically approach the presidency, but never actually attain it. Shoutouts. They’re a way of letting people know you’re thinking of them enough to let other people know you’re thinking of them. And all too often, they are misused. There is an increasingly alarming growth of people ignorant to when the shoutout is appropriate. To remedy this epidemic, I have compiled a list of when a shoutout is appropriate, and when it is not. Please note it with due consideration. |
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