Arizona’s law requires that potential illegal immigrants (e.g. Hispanic people) have immigration documents on them at all times. Supporters and critics of the measure alike agree that it’s the toughest measure on immigration ever seen in the U.S., or at least they did, until today.

“Many of our original immigrants may have arrived in the United States without immigration papers,” said Dr. Harold Landfor, an expert on immigration law, “especially considering that the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service didn’t exist at the time. Also, many people who have been here for a while – say, a couple generations – may have done so without a visa, green card, or other relevant paperwork. If these people don’t have something on their person proving their status as legal aliens, I think it’s clear that they must be up to no good and should therefore be deported post-haste.”

Added Dr. Landfor, “It’s staggering what percentage of crimes in this country are committed by the descendants of Irish, English, Scottish, Italian, French, Albanian, African, Bolivian, German, Sudanese, Chinese, Japanese, Ethiopean, Cuban, and other immigrants. And 90% of these people don’t even have green cards anymore.”

“Think of all the jobs these people are taking away from hard-working American citizens,” said Janice Zepali, a store manager in Philadelphia. “Without these groups overrunning our country, unemployment and other hallmarks of the economic crisis would disappear. Of course, so would the economy. Agriculture for everyone!”

The measure has proved a big hit among far-right wingers, as it promises to deport President Barack Obama back to one of his ancestors’ home countries, chosen at random, because as a U.S. Citizen he naturally doesn’t have any immigration papers. “Now that, friends, is change I can believe in,” chortled Sarah Palin, who didn’t seem to mind that she was being deported too. Other members of government to be departed include: all of the House, all of the Senate, and everyone else, except for Senator Russell Pearce, who seemed to have been preparing for just such an occasion. All of his papers appeared to be in order.

When asked how they felt about the new laws, local Native American youth John Fresh-Eagle responded by high-fiving with his friends and attempting to high-five this reporter. (We reciprocated, albeit with somewhat mixed feelings.) However, after a moment one of them got real quiet and said they hoped no one realized that they might’ve only been here for 12,000 years or so.

To make a long story short, the Native American community’s initial response was positive, but they did have a few reservations.

“Too much of our infrastructure is being inefficiently used by aging drivers, who with their light feet that cannot push pedals, and their inability to see over their hoods, and their general mothball-ish scent. Its time that these geriatric big-wigs paid their fair share!” said Ravenstall at a recent news conference.

“Yinz can take a hike,” responded a homeless man in attendance, who himself only responds to the name “Light-Up Mike”.

“I’m sick,” he coughed, “of this government picking on specific groups of people, especially the helpless groups!”

“Oh?” said the Mayor. “How do you propose we do it, Light-Up Mike?”

“We steal the money from UPMC. They are less of a group and more of a maintenance organization.”

Just then, a Death Panel burst into the room, their white Judge’s Wigs arrayed atop black SWAT gear, and killed everyone.

“ALL KNEEL IN PRAISE OF UPMC!” the squad shouted.

And so began the Great Pittsburgh Dystopia of 2009.

The End.

2. When I’m done peeing, I don’t wash my hands unless I peed on them. If there’s no pee on them, what’s the point?

3. When I’m done peeing, I don’t wash my hands even if I peed on them. Water is just glorified pee. I’ve effectively already rinsed.

4. I don’t wear condoms. What do I care if she gets pregnant? It’s not like I would have to take care of the baby! Besides, skin is basically a condom you don’t have to pay for.

5. I don’t take care of babies. (See #4.)

6. I don’t have sex. (See #’s 4 and 5.)

7. Pay taxes. If the government’s so smart, why are they so dumb? I totally came up with a solution to the recession. If you have unemployment and not enough money, give people ball-point pens and pay them to draw money. DUH. Also, I’m against government-run socialized firefighting. If you can’t afford firefighters, you didn’t earn them.

8. I can’t afford firefighters. I gave all my money to a man who said he ran a charity to help cats that are dangling off the edge of a cliff. This doesn’t really fit on the list, but I feel that it is important.

9. Read Marmaduke. Seriously, who the fuck reads Marmaduke?

But just because I’m ultra-dense doesn’t mean I’m stupid. My IQ used to be 120, but since I started the Plutonium Abs program, it tripled, to 410. That’s right, I said tripled. I gained the extra fifty IQ points just for signing on as a Plutonium Abs Gold Member, and they threw them in absolutely free.

I used to have a small drug problem. Now, I have LOTS of drug problems, and family and health problems to boot. What a great value, all for only $209.34 per month ‘til I drop dead!

Before I started on the Plutonium Abs program, I had no ambition. Now, I’m working hard to become President of the United States. If that fails, I’m starting a secret cabal and overpowering all of the world’s governments, all at the same time! Wow! Thanks, Plutonium Abs!

Plutonium Abs: they’ll take your life, and rock it! And then give you an irrational fear of pomegranates.

“In retrospect, I’m not really sure what we were hoping to accomplish by doing this,” said Jenkins. “It’s not like people ever do anything interesting while they’re sitting there.”

It’s an alarming trend that has almost five Americans worried about the mental health of our elected officials, as it appears as if our government doesn’t seem to realize that most people don’t have lives that are nearly interesting enough for the government to care about.

So far, the NSA has managed to collect pages upon pages of utterly useless statistics, including the amount of drool secreted by the typical 40-year-old while flipping through infomercials at 3 in the morning, the total number of sandwiches assembled by Americans during commercial breaks, and the number of people who installed their converters backwards so that the camera faces the wall.

NSA’s Chief of Eavesdropping On People For No Real Reason, who asked that we not reveal his identity or the fact that such a position exists, admits that most government spying programs these days are usually implemented “as more of a formality than anything else.”

“At this point, the government has been secretly intruding on people’s lives for so long, we basically do this sort of thing without even thinking about it anymore.”

According to a recent report by a more trustworthy news organization, the various government spying programs that exists today collect an average of 15,672 hours of secret footage per week, 99% of which is never actually viewed by anyone due to the content being “just too damn boring.”

“I guess it’s not as bad as that time when we thought it would be a good idea to install hidden cameras in toilets,” said Jenkins. “Now that was a mistake.”