A survey of countries supposedly complicit in genocides revealed that all the strange happenins’, shady dealins’, and apparent killins’ were only coincidences. This survey allayed fears of guilty American citizens who were starting to feel bad about sitting around while not one but several genocides were going on.
“We have no idea how all these villages were burned, women were raped, and people were killed ruthlessly and systematically on the basis of their ethnic background,” said representatives of the Sudanese government, the country where Darfur is located. “But it certainly had nothing to do with Chinese oil companies! It must have happened while we stepped outside for a cigarette. Yes, the entire Sudanese government. At the same time. …We like company.”
“This entire mess was started by banks giving out loans to insolvent people,” said Harry Reid in a speech on the Senate floor today in favor of the bailout. “The obvious solution to this is to lend money to insolvent backs.”
This’ll be my first corner post. I’m not sure yet how I’m going use this, so I guess I’ll have to experiment. For now I’m going to treat it as a blog, and for my first blog post I’m going to rant about one of my least favorite things ever: conspiracy theories.
Personally, I think every single conspiracy theory is wrong. No, I’m serious. I’ve never seen any convincing evidence that any of these crackpot, connect-the-nonexistent-dots, shit-we-made-up “theories” is true. Let’s talk about the two big ones today: 9/11 and Kennedy.
A highly successful blow to the state at University College today resulted in the violent guillotine-firing squad-horse dragging deaths of the ten member Homecoming Court, including the king and queen.
On Election Day, most of the decided voters are out trying to find Area 51 and the Crystal Skull, or are wasted off their ass at a 24 hour bar in Vegas.
Thanks for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Bulgaria. As westerners, it can be difficult to comprehend the cesspool that is this Balkan state. Therefore, as a world traveler, I have done the hard work and gone to this black hole of reason and law to ascertain its purpose and reveal it to the learned world.
After breaking world record after world record at the 2008 Olympics, Michael Phelps, swimmer, has declared his intent to return to his birthplace and childhood home, Atlantis.
Following last week’s speech in front of the Victory Column in Berlin’s Tiergarten, German citizens became so uplifted and emboldened that they ‘pulled a reverse France’, dissolving and liquidating the democratic government and installing Barack Obama as the Chancellor of Germany’s Sixth Reich, which is just a modern copy of their second.
Amid calls for the repair of the now nearly 5,000 year old civilization system, the government’s Civilization Utilities and Natural Technologies (CUNiT) department will suspend civilization for five hours of repairs this weekend.
The Internet – Amid heaps of controversy and many accusations leveled, the new Wailing Wall Facebook Application was pulled by Facebook only days after its release.
So… I have a little coffee can full of coins from every corner of the Earth (truly a feat because the Earth is indeed spherical), and I’ve noticed an alarming trend.
Tell me what you think coins from these countries/territories might have in common:
Fiji
Canada
East Caribbean States
Australia
Hong Kong (Pre-China return)
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick.
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.
Obama first took control of Chicago when he and his south side gang eliminated the north side opposition on Valentine’s Day 1929. He continued to use his muscle and wile to buy members of the judiciary and legislature until he was appointed Lord Protector of the Midwest and formed the New Model Government, defenestrating the previous governor from the Sears Tower.
After years of idiotic backwards rednecks from Missouri and South Carolina bragging to informed northerners from Massachusetts and Pennsylvania about how their wild, uninformed, ridiculous vote cancels out “y’alls” informed, well thought out, researched votes, the Federal government has changed the rules.
The following spam messages were all copied directly from my inbox at EA (where I’m currently working). They are presented here unaltered and unedited, except for a few instances in which potentially dangerous urls have been removed, and a few other instances in which I have inserted my own comments in brackets and italics [like this]:
