In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece.
Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
Throughout the history of this country, each state in the union has existed in its own separate space; a space which usually more or less exists all in one piece. That all changed last week, though, when the east coast state of New Jersey was struck by a particularly nasty bit of flatulence and shattered into approximately 8,536 individual chunks (results rounded to the nearest 194).
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative.
We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”.
In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”.
Way back when the Forums were young, when farkle-farkle, nervestaple, and I lived together, when the grass was green and the economy was real, I made a mistake.
After millennia of intense media speculation, the Jews confirmed yesterday that they would exercise their opt-out clause in the Covenant with Almighty God and seek offers from other deities.
“The Covenant may have been a fair deal 5000 years ago,” said Ehud Olmert, prime minister of Israel and current leader of the Worldwide Shadow Conspiracy, “but with expanding revenues and increased global marketing opportunities, we felt that it was time to move on.”
Here’s a pet peeve of mine that I think all of us can agree is quite annoying. There’s a common type of person whom all of us have met at one point or another. Sometimes, he’s your history professor in college. Sometimes, he’s the strange neighbor down the street that is completely oblivious to the fact that no one likes him and who has managed to somehow identify you, of all people, as his chum. Heaven forbid this type of person is actually a member of your immediate family. He’s somewhere in the neighborhood of thirty to forty years of age, wears sweater vests and golf socks, is well versed in Shakespeare and philosophy, and, not least of all, has been boasting a glistening bald patch in the back of his head since he was twenty-three. This person (here it comes) OVEREMPHASIZES THE “H” IN EVERYTHING HE SAYS. “WHHHHHHy, HHHHHHow are you doing today?” he might say. “Excuse me, wHHHHHat was that you said? HHHHHHalitosis? Me?”
