When we set up our new ads, I set them as NSFW. Porn, see, isn’t allowed on our advertising network, and by NSFW, they basically mean, anything your grandma wouldn’t want to see. Clunkline definitely qualifies. But, having tagged ourselves as NSFW, we are now getting ads for dildos and erotica read aloud by a sultry, lusty female. Inspired by our foxy new advertisers, MesmericKiwi, me, and the ironically-named Senator Bongledongle decided that now was the opportune time to ruin our future careers in politics.
Just FYI, this is pretty horrible and you should not listen to it.
Microsoft Word Development Team
Press Release – 5 August 2009
Microsoft Word, the planet’s most popular word processing software, has undergone a steady rate of improvements with each of its subsequent versions. Today, however, we are pleased to announce the upcoming release of Microsoft Word X, a piece of software with so many new features, it represents more than just the next generation in office document preparation; it is a paradigm shift in how we create text.
I returned Peter’s stash to its rightful (though dare I say unlawful!) place, and soon enough Peter returned in a similarly criminal manner. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that awful gleam of knowing. Like any good spy, I had returned his rifled-through things to their original places, carefully restacking the most casual of stacks, etc, and though any layman would have been none the wiser, something in those flat eyes knew that I knew that he was a fiend, both horticulturally and demonologically.
Chronic MMO is a degenerative disease that frequently affects students and computer users in general. It can progress into stages that can result in incredibly unsanitary practices and eventually in a state of apparent death to the rest of the world.
Public Access TV will always be known as the proto-YouTube for people who cared about their idiotic obsessions enough to apply to have them broadcast, but not enough to put any time or thought into them. Sometimes the results were abominable. Sometimes they were just merely atrocious. And sometimes… they were ineffable.
Take, for instance, this fellow on the Hurdy-Gurdy:
Today I tried making a ziggurat out of beef. The number of cows required for this undertaking cost an arm and a leg, which I supplied happily from my eldest daughter. Anu was pleased with my sacrifice, and the rains came, and the rains caused the cow-keeper to go inside, allowing me to steal his cows. Out of these, I built the ziggurat I mentioned before. It was stinky and did not stand well, and had more maggots than I am used to seeing in a house of the Gods. I wailed at the altar of Ki for several hours to make up for whatever failure it was that she was angry about. However, since the altar I wailed at was the one I had just built, the efficacy of my prayers is somewhat in doubt.
The cowherd was annoyed as well, mostly because I left a rotting ziggurat in his field.
Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
Motel: 6
Number of stars: 1 1/2
Inches of snow that changed our plans at the last minute: 8
Hours it took to get here: 4
Hours Farkle-farkle drove my car here: 4
Hours of sleep she got before that: 1 1/2
Number of expensive improv shows we’ve slept through: 1
Mice I’ve caught (and released outside) in our hotel room: 1
Mice I’ve caught with traps in my life: 0
Mice I’ve caught with my hands in my life: 2
Reviews that said this place was in a sketchy neighborhood: All
Amount we’re paying for it: not enough for me to care
Number of times the hotel has been broken into since we started staying here: 1
Floor that was on: 1
Floor I’m on: 4
Therefore do I care: not really
Did I hear it: yes
Did I think it was a hypnagogic hallucination because I was asleep at 6:20 in the evening: yes
Is our sleep cycle messed up: yes, horribly
Will we make our events tomorrow: probably not
Is this the best vacation ever: damn straight
My last venture into the quirks of my life was one of reason more than habit. Today’s topic, however, deals with something that is an aspect of my personality. I can endure monotony relatively indefinitely.
About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.
Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever
There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.
The Man in the Yellow Hat comes in through the door, looking pleased with himself and excited. He is holding two tickets. George stares at the tickets in awe, and his finger hovers thoughtfully at his chin.
The Man hands George a ticket, and George looks at it with wide eyes.
George and the Man in the Yellow hat are two rows from the front of a concert. The band members are wearing long, black, leather trenchcoats and are playing their instruments with steel gauntlets on their hands.
Today, at an NRA convention, Mike Huckabee was interrupted by a loud crash. Being ever the edgy improv performer he is, he played off of it by saying the crash was Barack Obama, who jumped out of his chair when someone aimed a gun at him. Now people are throwing a hissy fit, comparing this to Martin Luther King Jr. or JFK getting shot. That’s absurd.
Bingo O’Malley is a reasonably big-name actor with an utter contempt for TV, a penchant for high-status characters, and a connection to my local theater group, Scotch ‘n’ Soda. He came and did an acting workshop once, and somehow I wound up challenging him to do some kind of improv scene and see who steals the show. Stupid idea, maybe. Until the then-Artistic Director of my improv troupe told me afterwards it was one of the best scenes I’d ever done. Personally I think I’ve done much better but it got good reviews from pretentious theater people, so hey, who am I to judge. (It’s also some of the only improv I’ve ever done that has been recorded, so… there you are.)
Some guy walked around campus handing out pieces of paper that said “Day” on them and filming reactions when he told them “now give someone else a nice day”. I wound up appearing very briefly in this, along with the present Artistic Director of the No Parking Players, an improv troupe to which I belong. We are wearing ridiculous things and have lucky charms in front of us which we were, at the time, using to tell fortunes. I’m posting it mostly because of our fortune-telling clothes. I didn’t think I’d be immortalized in such a stylish jacket (or saying “day” so confusedly).
