Blaine Warbler had never been stopped, nor hindered, in his quest to indiscriminately eat almost everything… Until last week.

“Gasoline, lead, rat poison. He took it all in stride,” recalled Ted Wurg, a close friend of the unfortunate Mr. Warbler. “As kids we used to eat that kind of stuff all the time.”

A glimmer appeared in Ted’s eyes as he shared stories of their childhood. “For pocket change we would offer our consumption services to neighbors. I can’t tell you how many ants, cockroaches, and bastard kids we put away together.”

Asked to recount the circumstances of Blaine’s death, Wurg’s face turned woeful and somber. “I told him, damnit. I told him that stuff was trouble. But he just wouldn’t listen.”

Ted went on to tell us how he found his lifelong friend dead in the bathroom of his house last Thursday. “Yep, he died a-poopin’. Pooped so hard he cracked the bowl. Ain’t nothin’ ever gave Blaine problems like that before. Not even Etan Patz.”

Police detectives discovered an empty beef jerky bag on the floor in the living room of the Warbler residence. An autopsy confirmed that severe diarrhea, triggered by eating a “Do Not Eat” packet, was the cause of death.

Editor’s Note: Today’s article was guest-written by Tanzmetall(719), an alternate instance of Tanzmetall who somehow managed to get elected to the United States Senate in 2008, defeating Arlen Specter. This is especially remarkable since, in 2008, Tanzmetall was much younger than the age limit, and Specter was not up for reelection.

July 19, 2009

Well! Just won election after an exhausting recount. I was about to lose my Pennsylvania Supreme Court appeal, but at the last second, I ran over and poked a cancer pustule on Specter’s face. Thus angered, he launched into a curse-filled tirade about how Pennsylvania voters are idiots and how much he hates America. By state law, the election results were voided. Woooo!

July 20, 2009

So I got to Capitol Hill and the first guy I met is Al Franken, who I know is another funnyman. Immediately I run my flagship joke past him: “Capitol Hill? More like Crapitol Hill!” He thought it was hilarious, and I overheard him telling it to Patrick Leahy (D-VT) later that same day. Before I got here, he was taking everything so seriously, but now he’s back to his old, funny self. I tell ya, I bring out the best in this guy.

July 21, 2009

Al and I really enjoyed our time together on the Judiciary Committee. I’m so glad to have some committee assignments with my friends. The Aging committee really sucks, because then I have to talk to freakin’ Bob Casey (D-PA) who’s about as funny as a boulder. Although, the irony of a bunch of old guys grumbling about aging is not lost on me and my keen wit. But I digress.

In Judiciary (the FUN committee), I don’t remember what was on the agenda for today, but Al and I spent the whole time smacking our hands on the table and hollering “POOP! POOOOOP!” back and forth. Everyone else just stared at us because they’re a bunch of tightasses. They really need to loosen up and enjoy a good poop joke.

July 22, 2009

A breakthrough!

We just discovered that we can actually introduce laws! For some reason, we weren’t told about this when we were sworn in. I can’t imagine why anyone would want to hide this from us. But I looked it up on Wikipedia, and sure enough, it’s totally legal! So we drafted the Poop Is Funny Resolution of 2009 and introduced it on the floor. Al went the extra mile by taking a dump on his copy during debate. I laughed for, like, an hour.

July 23, 2009

Al and I spent all of today grilling Sonia Sotomayor on her opinions… on the case of “Hugh Jass v. Poopenstein”! HA HA HA! Al did this brilliant thing where he made up the whole court case on the spot, and Sonia totally fell for it, believed it was real, and gave her opinion on the case! I don’t remember all the details, but it was something about a guy who shat down infant’s mouths… it’s all on C-SPAN.

I asked her if a concealed weapons permit should allow you to carry a gun IN YOUR BUTT, but she pretended not to hear.

July 24, 2009

Well, that was fast! Apparently the Senate doesn’t have to have exactly 100 members. Al and I just found that out because we got “censured” or something, which means we aren’t allowed to introduce laws or sit on committee and aren’t invited to any of the hoppin’ Senate parties anymore. But we’ve still got the keys to the building, and we’re planning a big prank… shhh, don’t tell anyone, diary!

All I’ll tell you in advance, is… it’s going to be big, it’s going to be clever, it’ll change the nation, and it’s not going to be what you expect.

July 25, 2009

Prank Day is a success!

We broke into Harry Reid’s (D-NV) office and took dumps in his desk drawers. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Mormon Field Marshall Joseph von Smithitz today led five divisions of heavy infantry, three squadrons of attack aircraft, two cruisers, five patrol boats, and one pre-Dreadnought battleship purchased in 2002 from Portugal east in the United State’s Second Punitive Expedition to eliminate the roaming hordes of Amish death squads and their regular army, which has been wreaking havoc in the Great Lakes and Mid Atlantic regions of the US for the last 140 years.

This move comes after the sacking of Toledo, Ohio by Amish forces under Ammangetorix and the refusal of the Bush administration to send Federal resources to deal with a domestic national disaster.

Utah, which has been basically it’s own country since the War of the Deseret ended with the ‘What The Fuck Ever’ Treaty of 1858, has established itself as a military power in the region, kept mostly in check by California’s National Guard, which engages Utah in about three or four small skirmishes a year, usually over border disputes.

The expedition is expected to travel cross country in about three days and is equipped to spend four months in the East campaigning against the barbarian Amish menace and their small navy in the Great Lakes. Updates to follow.

Dude, the Okrug is in serious danger! PROTECT THE OKRUG!

EVENKI NAT’L OKRUG

Three glorious infantry dudes today have defended our vital snow reserves in the Evenki Nat’l Okrug. The Japs attacked with a tank and a two planes, thinking they could overwhelm our inferior-defense troops.

What they did not count on was missing all but one of their attacks, and our troops defending twice. This obliterates their air forces as they could not possibly take over our great land with no ground forces. In the next round, the tank obliterated the Tenth Moscow Light Infantry Dude, but their counterparts, the Eighteenth Heavy Cossack Dragoons defended with valour. They now are the sole defenders of our Siberian motherland.

From the western front, six of our tanks attacked ten German tanks and a dude, but only destroyed three before being obliterated.

Our submarine managed to sink a blue whale three days ago, while hiding with England’s navy to escape annihilation.