It’s a fact: not all internet phenomena are created equally. Every once in a while, a bizarre idea spawned in the festering forums of 4chan will get lucky enough to make its way out into the real world and enter the everyday lives of normal people; but for every “Hamster Dance” or “Peanut Butter Jelly Time,” there are at least three other attempts at creating the next big cultural icon that never make it too far past the planning stages…
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Like many of you whose girlfriend has left them for another species, I often find myself comparing my penis to that of many animals. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to degrade yourself, I went to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, home of more than 245 preserved penises to learn about the wonders of the animal penis kingdom. The pleas of my lieutenant tugged at my heart. My country needed me. And yet, there was nothing I could do.
This image of a cheery but bizarrely-clothed Russian tourist appeared in Burpen’s Samba article a few months back. Although not as repulsive as the infamous awkward.jpg, the only thing stopping us from photoshopping him into strange situations months ago was our lack of time. But now, with finals looming for the students among us, excuses not to work are treasured. And so I bring you: the Lurid Life of Lyurej.
President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.” Fuzzy Memory is an aptly-named webcomic by two creators who forgot to make it. These guys apparently made a fully-functional website, bought ads for it, and never added any content. Apparently their Project Wonderful campaign is still running on autopilot, spending their money without their supervision on a site they don’t update. We just got paid by the laziest people on the planet. Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced over the weekend that he would be committing to a new shift in strategy, but few before today could have been sure exactly what he meant. His new internet ad, titled Economic Stimulus Package, shows him bailing out Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), seizing control of the markets and giving it to her, and releasing his rebate check all over her face. It is as popular as it is controversial. So I’ve got a lot of time to think, and the realization has dawned on me: I do a lot of unusual things. Mostly small quirks that nobody would really notice, but sometimes it seems like I’m going against humanity by altering the norm. I have thus compiled a list of some of the things most people do not do, yet seem perfectly normal to me. I intend to muse upon them, and give my rationale as to why I do such things as avoid internet speak, prefer to walk to my destination whenever feasible, and move rhythmically. Here’s round one. Y’know, it’s interesting that somebody just put up a post on this site complaining about imitators because that just happens to be what this issue of “My Pet Peeves” covers. I HATE it when people borrow (more like annex) the work and styles of someone else’s efforts. This means that 99.9999999% of the time, I hate fan videos of movies and shows, covers of already famous and popular songs, homemade comics on the web featuring casts of characters that already exist and are copyrighted like Naruto, photoshop images of things that photoshop images have already been made of, and the list goes on and on. The post I mentioned above featured yet another thing we have all seen many versions of, something which we have all come to love and then grow tired of in one sitting: Motivational posters and their many, many, MANY EFFING MANY parodies. Now that the internet is home to somewhere over nine thousand of these parodies, who in their right mind, in their left mind, or even in their auxiliary mind would want to be just another person to make yet one more? Who wants to become a statistic, really?
Ha ha ha i laugh! I have infiltrated your internet web site. Little did you know when you made fun of my inability to draw comprehensible comics. I can “hack” your “forums” by using common interntet tools and crash them. Ha ha internet tools, like you!!
I am an expert on terrible webcomics. About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.
Okay, I know it’s actually a boom mike, but this gave me a double-take (just like Bigfoot in Georgia), so I thought the Internet needed to know about it. 102-year-old Dorothy Painter of Duluth, Minnesota has inexplicably learned to perform basic internet tasks. She is the first centenarian and likely the only person above age 70 to have done so and lived. According to her grandson, Andrew Painter, 38, also of Duluth, Dorothy has “sort of figured [email] out.” He admits he still has to help her find the “L” key every few minutes but other than that she is almost self-sufficient. |
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