Hawaii has a surprisingly gritty underside. No place on Earth is free of stupidity… they just all have different stupidities, and some are more stupid than others. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen so much of this if I had the money to be a real tourist, but I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and here are the splinters I got.
Click for bigger pictures.
In the Hilo Wal-Mart parking lot, I saw this Alaskan pickup. (Yep, we went to Wal-Mart on vacation.)
In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here?
This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.
In a speech congratulating Obama for his victory, Bush made a surprising revelation. “And as the current President of this country, I look forward to passing the torch on to Mr. Obama. …NOT!” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m not even President! Al Gore is. You guys really didn’t figure that out after eight years? What a bunch of rubes.”
Sarah Palin has been ignoring the McCain campaign’s orders and just kind of running her own (even sloppier) campaign. Apparently she values the advice of a View host over that of her campaign’s managers. What a maverick of the maverick.
The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative.
We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”.
In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”.
A survey of countries supposedly complicit in genocides revealed that all the strange happenins’, shady dealins’, and apparent killins’ were only coincidences. This survey allayed fears of guilty American citizens who were starting to feel bad about sitting around while not one but several genocides were going on.
“We have no idea how all these villages were burned, women were raped, and people were killed ruthlessly and systematically on the basis of their ethnic background,” said representatives of the Sudanese government, the country where Darfur is located. “But it certainly had nothing to do with Chinese oil companies! It must have happened while we stepped outside for a cigarette. Yes, the entire Sudanese government. At the same time. …We like company.”
This’ll be my first corner post. I’m not sure yet how I’m going use this, so I guess I’ll have to experiment. For now I’m going to treat it as a blog, and for my first blog post I’m going to rant about one of my least favorite things ever: conspiracy theories.
Personally, I think every single conspiracy theory is wrong. No, I’m serious. I’ve never seen any convincing evidence that any of these crackpot, connect-the-nonexistent-dots, shit-we-made-up “theories” is true. Let’s talk about the two big ones today: 9/11 and Kennedy.
Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat.
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured.
Indiana Senator Evan “Clintonite” Bayh is one of those VP contenders who leaves you scratching your head. You only hear about him with regards to his being from a swing state or how he’s a VP contender. You never hear, “Recent Bayh-sponsored legislation was really popular and successful.” Even Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd got on my good side recently with his hard-line opposition to the FISA bill, and if Dodd can do something, anyone should be able to. But the only thing Bayh has opposed that anybody noticed was Obama’s candidacy.
New York Senator Hillary “Rodham” Clinton is Obama’s most bitter formal rival, who ran on a platform of “I Deserve Everything” earlier this year. The movement to conscript her as Obama’s running mate is vast, even though it would do no good for Obama’s candidacy, since her voters are already either for him, or they will be for him in November and just don’t know it yet.
In recent days, Hillary Clinton has tried to get the nomination by appealing overtly to stupid voters. The two biggest examples of this are her handling of the Wright non-controversy, and her even more imaginary “Bittergate”. In both cases, someone on Obama’s side was accused of saying something “offensive”, usually to small-town, white Americans. The problem? Nearly everything those people said was true.
The front-runner in the Democratic primary race, Barack H. Obama is certainly seen by many as a capable future leader and a respectable candidate, especially compared to his competitors Hillary Clinton and John McCain. However, recently on an interview for “Hardball” Obama admitted that he didn’t watch cable news.