As the result of an alleged miracle, the likeness of Jesus Christ has been found in a pile of dog feces in the heart of the Vatican.

According to the Holy See, a stray dog wandered into the Basilica of St. John Lateran sometime last Thursday. The dog apparently then managed to get into a storeroom filled with communion wafers, upon which it gorged itself.

The next morning during mass, a pile of the dog’s feces was discovered under one of the pews.

But this is no ordinary mound of feces, Pope Benedict XVI claims. His Holiness says the image of Jesus is clearly evident within it, and the halo, a faint ring of light yellow-brown feces, is also quite visible.

The following day, church officials held a mass and vigil dedicated to the feces, which Pope Benedict dubbed Fesus Christ. Donations toward a permanent display enclosure for Fesus Christ are currently being accepted by the Vatican.

The sixth?!

Are you fucking serious? My head… uuugh… I’d rather be giving birth to a pangolin from my eye than feel this headache…

Maybe I should get some Excedrin.

How many does it say on the bottle? Fuck it, I’ma just pour it out into a bowl and eat it with some milk…

Fuck, the milk’s expired. Guess I’ll have to use Half and Half.

Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff.

Jesus Christ I have to shit!

But I want to eat my Excedrin, too.

Fuck it, I’ll just bring it into the bathroom with me.

Oww, oww, oww, HOLY FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!

That was like dumping out a bucket full of runny oatmeal.

Is that someone’s panties… in my shit?

I ate someone’s panties?!

Oh, they’re hers…

What’s this on the computer? Who set my cursor to a dick and changed my desktop to goatse? Why do I have seventeen different shemale porn torrents going? I hate my friends.

And what is this? “Clunkline”? Did I…?

Oh shit.

I have a website. And I haven’t written anything in six days.

I swear, I’m never drinking again.

-The Collective Voice of Clunkline.

Seriously, I can’t be alone in this. I mean, I’m not crazy, I know they’re not actual women you can “do the deed with”, so to speak. But their breasts are always perfectly proportioned! And I just know that, if they weren’t made of hard plastic, they’d be just the right size to gently cup in my hand.

And, of course, if they were real, they would love me.

Sure, it’s vaguely creepy when they don’t have heads, or faces, or arms, but you know what else didn’t have arms? The Venus de Milo. The sexy grandmother of all mannequins. And anyone alive would have sex with the Venus de Milo if it had functional waterworks.

Now, now, now, calm down. I’m not the first person to suggest that statues should come to life and be forced to mate with their creators. I’m also not the first person to hide in clothing racks until there’s no one around, and then masturbate furiously onto the closest dummy. And I won’t be the last.

Your head would look good on the end of a pole!

Jesus Christ, you people are uptight! Ok, how many of you have played Civ IV? Isabella of Spain? Chick is fi-ine. Can anyone here honestly say they’ve never gotten her “Friendly” so she smiles at you? She’s so hot when she yawns while we’re trading world maps!

Of course, none of those ladies can compare to the very best: the hot jailbait on the school crossing sign. I mean, look at that ass! I am so jealous of the man-silhouette who gets to touch that allllll he wants.

Excuse me a minute….

There is a phrase that instantly absolves you of all responsibility for what you just said! Is it “I’m sorry”? NO! Is it “Just kidding”? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Is it “Some of my best friends are…”? JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

In today’s world it is important to be able to immediately erase responsibility for all of your verbal diarrhea, and we’ve got just the phrase for you.

If you ever shout “Y’all need sum Pine Sol, nigga!” in front of an 11-year-old black child, then you need to know how to follow it up. (I couldn’t see him. It was dark.) All you have to do is shrug and say “I’m just sayin’!” and you will be forever without sin. Go ahead and cast some stones.

This line has been a well-kept secret for centuries. Let me take you on a little journey through the story of “I’m just sayin’.”

The last time Jews were poor (I’m just sayin’!), when God gave to Moses the ten commandments, one not oft-reported by centuries of revisionist religious institutions was the eleventh commandment.

The Romans erased this commandment from the list because they were totally comfortable with just being dicks (and you would be too if you ruled the known world).

Then there was the time in 1517 when Martin Luther published his 95 theses. Not many know that the Catholic church nearly considered not excommunicating him if he amended his 95 theses to add a 96th that read “I’m just sayin’.” You can see how not using this valuable phrase can really alter the course of your life.

On July 11th, 1804, Aaron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton. The reason he was never condemned for his act is usually chalked up to the dueling culture of the time. It’s a way to make it simple for the history books, but some eyewitnesses wrote shortly after the duel that Burr could be heard muttering after firing those fateful shots “I’m just sayin’.”

If these people used it, you can use it too! Feel the freedom of being able to say what you want. Insult Kim Jong Il to his face, and avoid years of brutal torture with only three words! Tell your grandma you’re going to shoot her and fuck her in the exit wound! You are free.

You’re welcome.