On racist jokes

For a long time, the widely-accepted standard for racist jokes has bothered me a bit. The standard is this: that any joke exploiting a given racial or other group is okay to make, so long as it’s made by a member of said group.

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Musings of a Thorougly Dissociative Looney - Part 6

It’s not every day you count the beavers in between you and Arby’s. No. It’s not every day. But today is only one day, and today I did it.

It started out real hard. I looked everywhere for the fuckers. Couldn’t find a single one. I figured, damn, there must be more than no beavers between where I am and Arby’s. Then I realized I was still in the bathtub.

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Sins of our Flags of our Fathers

Put your shit on the correct side of the flag, Zambia. It goes on the left, near the pole, not the right.

Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up.

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Just Sayin'

Ever said anything that you instantly regretted? Ever been at a funeral for a retarded person who got murdered by neo-nazis and told someone that maybe we should just euthanize the fuckers, after all they’re just a big cost to society?

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Fanatic Mail

July 12, 1919

Dear Mr. Chaplin,

I just wanted to write to say how much of a fan I am of your work! Even here in Munich, whenever a poor paper-hanger like myself can scrap a few hundred thousand marks together, I can think of no better way to spend an afternoon than to watch you “tramp” about! A good joke, yes? I think I have a future as a writer, but am focusing on painting at the moment. I feel I just need a decisive look to define myself, and so I was writing to ask if I could use your trademark mustache to help with my own image?

Thanks again!
Adolph H.

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My Exile

Hereditarily-incapable of growing a beard, I have simply lengthened my moustache. Due to the difficulty of eating through it, I have also become a filter-feeder.

They say I am dead. That I will never haunt the world again. That I shot myself in a bunker in Germany sixty years ago. What they don’t know is that I had a long-hidden twin brother who actually was the one who died, and that I learned the secrets of eating right and exercising. I have lived to see the ripe old age of 120. They also don’t know where I’ve been hiding, the one place no one has thought to look: Sentinel Island. From the smallest of the Andaman Islands, I shall attempt my comeback.

For years, I thought I was off to a good start. I smacked these foolish islanders into a steely, unforgiving discipline. I have trained them to make unmotivated attacks on all outsiders. And though they have never met a Jew or Frenchman, they assure me that if they ever do, they will growl menacingly.

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Gather: The Magicking

The fabled woods of Nor are usually filled with the chirping of birds this time of year. Yet in the clearing near the Tree of Infinite Truths, no creature dare stir. Sitting upon the roots of the aged elm sits the Tree Guardian, a powerful dimension traveler, the wrinkles of his years resembling the sacred bark he rests his back against. Nature itself respects the elder’s meditation.

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Tarot Jokes

I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy.

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I hope I didn’t get the lunatic gene, Part 1

I have an uncle. His name is Karl. His name is unimportant but I think it really says something about him. Karl. See what I mean. Anyway Karl’s job title is contractor. However, Karl’s job is to do no actual work, complain about things and use my aunt to get prescription painkillers. Good for Karl. Now that we have gotten to know Karl, it’s story time.

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Are Psychologists Funny?

This question has been eating at me for a long time, because you see, so many psychologists are Jewish, and Jewish people are hilarious. This logic is flawless. Except maybe for the fact that bankers and lawyers are not hilarious. Well, today we have another data point to add, since my Cognitive Brain Imaging professor decided to briefly address humor in class. (Although, I’m pretty sure he’s a goy, being the exception that proves the rule.)

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Opposite Day: Part II

In Part I, I discussed how writers of television shows, books, and films often write with diametrically-opposing agendas. Today, I’m gonna use the exact same formula, because unlike Leonard Nimoy, I’m not a flip-flopper.

I Am Not Spock
I Am Spock
Leonard Nimoy’s first autobiography.
Leonard Nimoy’s second autobiography.

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The Book of Mormon

Today my roommate told me he had a Christmas present for me: the Book of Mormon. Imagine my very chaste surprise.

Turns out a bunch of Mormon girls were handing them out on the street and he just couldn’t tell them no. (You know how it is with Mormon girls.)

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FURST you got to get THE BRED

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The Worst Thing About Bush: It’s Not what you Think

The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative.

We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”.

In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”.

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Government Solves Lending Crisis with Loan

“This entire mess was started by banks giving out loans to insolvent people,” said Harry Reid in a speech on the Senate floor today in favor of the bailout. “The obvious solution to this is to lend money to insolvent backs.”

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