“This entire mess was started by banks giving out loans to insolvent people,” said Harry Reid in a speech on the Senate floor today in favor of the bailout. “The obvious solution to this is to lend money to insolvent backs.”
After millennia of intense media speculation, the Jews confirmed yesterday that they would exercise their opt-out clause in the Covenant with Almighty God and seek offers from other deities.
“The Covenant may have been a fair deal 5000 years ago,” said Ehud Olmert, prime minister of Israel and current leader of the Worldwide Shadow Conspiracy, “but with expanding revenues and increased global marketing opportunities, we felt that it was time to move on.”
Astute readers of this site will have noticed that Clunkline has recently added a new writer to our zoo: Simon Jester. Now we expect that all of you have heard of him already and probably wonder why Clunkline would sully its good name with such a monster. Certainly, the events of his scandalous life and mysterious death need no further elaboration. However, he has assured us that since his resurrection he is a changed man, and if there is one thing Clunkline stands for, it is child labor. But if there were two things Clunkline stood for, the other thing would be second chances, which is why we ask you, the readers, to give Simon Jester a shot.
The Internet – Amid heaps of controversy and many accusations leveled, the new Wailing Wall Facebook Application was pulled by Facebook only days after its release.
After having tried many times to sell scripts commercially, I am pleased to announce that I am now in the bzneszs of selling commercial scripts! I hope you like them (I know I do!) as much as I do. Please contact the appropriate companies and let them know they need to use these commercials or the consequences will be worse than anything their darkest imaginations can imagine.
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick.
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.
Too many old, crotchety Jewish women who can’t see usually end up voting 50-50 on the ballots, leading the rest of the voters to be influenced by radical West Florida Republic separatists.
Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever
There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.
“I just didn’t feel the slogan fit anymore,” said Obama, shaking his head. “It was time for a change.” And change he has; at least, when it comes to his first broken campaign pledge.
Tanzmetall: I saw lord of the rings today doctor_subtle: nice Tanzmetall: but it had a talking mouse that I didn’t remember
and aragorn was russian doctor_subtle: yeah
wait… what?
i think you mean spanish
and its called Prince Caspian Tanzmetall: they’re all the same doctor_subtle: lol
jews
Josh “Livestock” Boruff is responsible in large part for my addiction to my (other) favorite comedy website, SomethingAwful. He sidecoaches the Photoshop Phriday feature, which is undoubtedly the great big emerald in the pile of SA’s crown jewels. Months ago he agreed to an interview. Today, I tracked him down and held him at Internet-gunpoint until he answered my questions. The rest, as they say, is history.
Dear Grampa Judd,
My friend Tim and all of his buddies were going to go drinking this Friday. They all want me to come along. But I’m not so sure I want to, since I think they only like me because I’m a short blonde virgin with a DD. Should I go?
-Menstruating in Minnesota
Dear dear dear dear DEAR Menstruating,
Wait a few days, then come over to my place. I can’t do anything about you bein’ short or blonde or busty, but I may be able to help you with that other thing. Heh heh.
-Grampa Judd
Name one person who represents both the head of state of a European nation and the religious leadership of the oldest extant version of western Christianity…
