A bill has passed the House to give a Representative in Congress to the heavily-Democratic District of Columbia, which has lacked any sort of voice in the Capitol since the nation’s founding. License plates in DC are emblazoned with “Taxation without Representation” in protest.
Controversially, the bill also contains a provision giving an extra Congressional vote to Republican Utah, in order to even out the partisan mixture of the new additions. Utah narrowly missed getting an extra seat in 2000, and has since been throwing temper tantrums. “No taxation without disproportionate representation,” read license plates in Utah.
Immediately after his inauguration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama pushed the Magic Economic Reset Button located in the Oval Office. The Magic Reset Button immediately fixed various complex problems without any short-term sacrifices or any need for patience.
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
On Sunday, Colin Powell, fated to be the second black President, endorsed Barack Obama, ensuring he will become the first. “McCain has been kind of a dick lately,” said Powell in his announcement. “If he didn’t pal around with Steve Schmidt, we’d be having a different conversation today. I was kind of hoping to be the first myself, but… but Sarah Palin? Really?”
First Guy: I’m not voting for John McCain because he was in prison.
Second Guy: Uhhh… you know he was a prisoner of war, right? In North Vietnam? He’s a war hero.
First Guy: I don’t care. Prison is prison.
The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot.
Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced over the weekend that he would be committing to a new shift in strategy, but few before today could have been sure exactly what he meant. His new internet ad, titled Economic Stimulus Package, shows him bailing out Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), seizing control of the markets and giving it to her, and releasing his rebate check all over her face.
A new Obama campaign ad opens with footage of the Vietnam War. The narrator intones, “Many people opposed America’s activities in Vietnam, but few hated freedom so much that they were willing to betray their country.”
The media has a tendency of repeating the same phrases for something: Obama “clinched” the nomination, Palin “energized” her base. But the candidates themselves are even worse, repeating and repeating some words until they lose whatever meaning they ever had. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want to throw tomatoes at the candidates and tell them to go nurse their retarded babies. Or maybe that is just me.
“My friends, these are tough times,” said McCain in a stump speech usually filled with insincere platitudes. But this time was different. “But seriously, my friends. I have a very serious announcement to make. My checkbook is in crisis. My beautiful wife, Cindy, was one of the principal investors in AIG… and the Lehman Brothers… and Merrill Lynch… and… well… pretty much everything that just fell apart. As a result, we’ve been foreclosed out of most of our homes. Like the average American family on Main Street, we’re feeling the pinch.”
“What?! That’s not… NO. No, you can’t go on national TV and say that. You just can’t. You lying sack of shit,” spewed Derrick Watson of Bridgeville, PA, at the television this weekend. “GOD DAMMIT! Now you made me spill my fucking Coke! I’m gonna fucking kill you, first the lies and now the goddamn Coke!”
At a faith forum in California in mid-August, John McCain referred to the “Russian Empire” instead of the “Russian Federation”. The “Russian Empire” has not existed since 1917. Unlike his slip referring to the Czech Republic as Czechoslovakia, this one actually does not make any sense. What’s next–promoting a two-state solution to the fighting in the Kingdom of David and tough talk about Sumeria’s nuclear program? This would be funny if I were making it up, right? (Timestamp: 3:45.)
I’m posting this several weeks after the fact to point out how stupid it is to refer to things long after they’ve become irrelevant.