I wish I could screencap this. Maybe one of my writers has TiVo.
But anyway, at around 4:15 ET, on CNN, Palin was drawing the inevitable and apt comparison of Geraldine Ferraro. Unfortunately, Ferraro was even so much more of a failure than Palin’s modest unaccomplishment, that the person providing closed captioning did not know Ferraro’s name.
Instead, he typed, “Geraldine [...pause...] for error, oh.”
Never has a truer slip been aired on CNN. (At least, not since last night and the night before, when two DNC speakers honestly slipped and started to say “George Bush” when they meant “John McCain”.)
On August 3, 2008, John McCain became the first nominee of a major political party to be named John McCain. The historic moment was commemorated by fireworks, stirring speeches, and universally-positive press coverage.
“Brains will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the brains that we seek.” proclaimed Barack Obama, speaking at a convention held by the NAAZW, or National Association for the Advancement of Zombie Welfare.
According to the Associated Press, Illinois Senator Barack Obama appeared at a “Faith Forum” in Lake Forest, California with Illinois Senator Barack Obama.
It was the first time the two men had appeared at such an event. Senator Obama spoke mostly on his support for legalized abortion, while Senator Obama talked about the biblically-outlined responsibility for people to help those less fortunate.
John McCain (R-AZ) and several fellow lawmakers were charged with violations of Senate ethics rules last Tuesday. It is the sixth installment in a franchise of corruption, but the critical consensus is that it is not as interesting or surprising as the last episode, Keating Five. Despite its poor critical reception, nobody can deny it was lucrative. It netted the senators involved a combined $50 million on its opening weekend.
Senator Edwards hung his head, shamed, telling the national media that they could beat up on him—he had already beat himself up more than they ever could. The media gleefully complied, pouncing on him like a mob boss on unmarked bills. America’s White Knight had fallen.
Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat.
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured.
Virginia Governor Tim “No Discernable Hairline” Kaine was an early Obama endorser, and came from the same town in Kansas as Obama’s mother. This has fueled speculation that he is Obama’s true father, which has in turn fueled further speculation that Kaine is a closeted black guy.
Virginia Senator Jim “Didn’t Say Macaca” Webb won his election narrowly by not saying “macaca”. He’s under serious VP scrutiny as a result of his national security creds, his appeal to white Appalachians, and coming from Virginia.
A recent John McCain press release seemed to suggest that McCain was part-black. Observers cried foul, noting that this is an election year flip-flop from a candidate who consistently voted White when the issue came up in the Senate. Obama, who outlined his own blackness in a proposal drafted in October 2007, claimed that McCain was trying to cash in on record black registration, and said it was the “same old Washington politics with the same old Washington players,” even though no other politician in history has ever claimed to be black.
Florida Governor Charlie “OMG I LOVE MCCAIN SO DREAMY” has feelings that are not platonic. His governorship has been short of remarkable and long of horrible, making him in no way noteworthy. So far, he has kept his promise of continuing Florida’s reputation for election irregularities, such as voting out of order and voting for John McCain.
Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt “The Also-Ran with a Plan” Romney completes our pantheon of exotic candidates by being Mormon. He’s also rich. Really, really rich. And look at that smile! Now we know how he managed to become governor of a liberal state and not be in the least bit liberal.
Pennsylvania is half enlightened East Coast state and half Rust Belt / Appalachia hellhole. Clunkline, located over the second ‘h’ in “Hellhole”, has a unique perspective on this phenomenon.
Depending on how many ignorant people the Republicans can motivate with their fear of Terror, fear of God, and fear of those who look different, Pennsylvanian elections are won or lost.
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick.
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.
Sam “Who?” Nunn is a man of mystery. Who is he? How many ice ages has he survived? I have no fucking clue. Apparently he has national security creds or something but they must be from the dawn of history, and no cuneiform tablets survived to tell us what exactly it was that he did.
John “Jennings Bryan” Edwards is a populist who keeps running, and yet keeps standing in place. Edwards has been known at times to vent his anger and rage by getting his hair cut in a dashing new style. He never quite ascends to the Presidency, forever doomed to be the best-looking also-ran except for the man pictured to his left.
