We meet our heroes, Lord Sir Joseph St. John MacJasper KGC, Captain RN of the HMS Unbelieveblydifficulttosinknoreally ( we don’t see the name till the boat pulls out later, it is written in a wide arc above the aft windows), and Midshipman Louis C. B. Smith Jonesington as they enter the aforementioned ship via a gang plank flanked by Marines.
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The evils of the metric system have, for too long, infected our currency system. How can a nation built upon archaic and arbitrary measuring systems allow its financial system to be neatly divided by factors of ten? Our rich history has dozens of arbitrary units we could use instead, but we’ve never had a way to bridge the complex English system of measurement with our base-10 currency system. In a surprise upset, wrestling announcer Maximilian “Maxx” Heavyweights won the Heavyweight title in the Thunder Mountain Wrestling Xtreem Championship, announced “Maxx” Heavyweights on Tuesday. Things started to go badly for the two contestants about halfway through the final match of the championship. I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy. The pleas of my lieutenant tugged at my heart. My country needed me. And yet, there was nothing I could do.
June 3, 3049 B.C. Today I tried making a ziggurat out of beef. The number of cows required for this undertaking cost an arm and a leg, which I supplied happily from my eldest daughter. Anu was pleased with my sacrifice, and the rains came, and the rains caused the cow-keeper to go inside, allowing me to steal his cows. Out of these, I built the ziggurat I mentioned before. It was stinky and did not stand well, and had more maggots than I am used to seeing in a house of the Gods. I wailed at the altar of Ki for several hours to make up for whatever failure it was that she was angry about. However, since the altar I wailed at was the one I had just built, the efficacy of my prayers is somewhat in doubt. The cowherd was annoyed as well, mostly because I left a rotting ziggurat in his field.
I just got back from my 8th tour of duty. After the 3rd, they stop giving you tour guides.
Recently, Barack Obama sent me this email.
7/17/49 Today I found PFC Wilson sleeping in a broken garbage disposal unit. He said he had thought it was his bed. When I asked him how long he had been sleeping there, his saddened reaction indicated that he had been using it as his bunk since we launched from Detria Station six months ago. This puzzled me, because the disposal unit had been operational until two weeks ago. He said that sleeping in an operational garbage disposal unit was difficult, but not impossible; that he would roll out of it every hour to avoid getting crushed and salvage what bedding he could, though he frequently lost pillowcases and sheets to its hungry maw, but he had also wondered why people always threw garbage at him. Paul Newman is dead. He was scheduled to be Nolan’s next Joker. Yes, I’m kidding. No, I didn’t know who he was before he died. I’ve got a number of pet peeves, and, to my annoyance, I am constantly finding more to foster with the passing of time. In my book, constantly is too often, and living on a college campus full of bozos and ruffians does not help. So that the world can share in my grief, I will share my pet peeves with you all, one for each week. Some of them, people will be able to sympathize with me on. Others…. well, only in my world I suppose. Anyone out there got earplug headphones? If so, then you might know where I’m going with this. Or maybe I’ll surprise you yet. |
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