Clunkline

I come to you, dear citizens, in a moment of great pain, and ask you all to do your part during this terrible blizzard. My Suggestions?
1. Gather round your pitchforks, fire and cantankerous old men. As an angry mob, we kill the ground hog.
2. Ladies and Gentlemen, please, blast your 1980′s Metal and frolic about outside with your aqua net and hairdryers. One will kindly encourage mother nature’s warm spell, and the other, while less effective, will be much more satisfying.
2.a. I understand that some of you have an allergy to Aquanet. The same effect can be had by ingesting beans, beer, broccoli, and for those of you with the ever so excitable disease lactose-intolerance, have yourself a glass of milk and some mac and cheese.
Methane AWAY!
3. Outside, there is a bunch of fresh, clean, free water falling from the sky. Why is no one melting this and sending it to Haiti? A. Sharing is Caring, and they need it. B. We give people jobs, to melt and bottle the snow, and boost the economy with public works. C. We get the fuck rid of it!