I get so sentimental

thinking about Neil Armstrong

in the lunar lander

singing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

He was right;

it was near absolute zero.

But then, what are space suits for?

Post-rock Band is Post-good

Neo-post-post-rock group To Hëll With The Dåmned! Said The Sætting Sün Over The Bättlefield Stårk! released its new eleven-disc album Monday to universal disapproval. Not one positive review has come from anyone anywhere, no matter how many drugs they were on at the time.

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Numeral Bank

Tired of feeling like just a statistic?
Try Numeral Bank, where we focus on the person!

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The Ballad of Anus McKringle

Ha ha, that title tricked you into reading something boring.

In the interests of full disclosure: this article is not about Anus McKringle, so you can stop now if you don’t care about politics.

You know the feeling you get while watching Lord of the Rings… In the middle of the trilogy, you don’t expect it to ever really end. On an intellectual level, you know it will, and you may have even seen it before or have read the books and know how it does, but it goes on for so long, and it drags you down into such a feeling of futility and hopelessness, that you never really believe it will? It just feels like Frodo will always be walking towards Mordor.

Likewise, to me, it feels like Bush will always be a lame duck, and Obama will asymptotically approach the presidency, but never actually attain it.

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The Music of Tanzmetall

Tanzmetall (the obvious emperor of Clunkline), Grabass Champion, and myself have written and often times still write music. I’m not really sure about the other two, but my composition writing has evolved out of clicking in a bunch of notes in Sibelius 2.0 and simply saving them as midis. Yes, I now have two really nice keyboards, which I use to play out most of the tracks in my songs, a friend who is quite eloquent on the guitar, and the means to get live recordings of just about any wind instrument I can think of within reason. Recently, I’ve written a new strain of songs for a would-be soundtrack to a graphic novel I am writing and hope to publish someday, and the thought occurred to me that one of Tanzmetall’s original compositions from back in the day would make a splendid theme for one of the villains (a continent-sized magma serpent that dwells under the Earth’s mantle). That song is called FLIGHT FROM EMSARIA, and though everything we write today is vastly superior in almost every way to what we used to write while we were in high school, nothing has ever struck a satisfying chord quite like this song has. At least that’s what I think. But what is it about FLIGHT FROM EMSARIA that is so… so… terrifying (in a good way)?

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The Economy is Boring

We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring.

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Swing State Profiles: Colorado

Why A Swinger?
Coloradians are generally insecure what with being continually asked by visitors to arrange themselves in circles.

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“I Kissed a Girl”: The Tween Idol and Her Audience

Recently I was stuck in car outside of my driving jurisdiction and thus without the authority to change the radio station. Among the various ephemera of pop music which quickly left my head, I suddenly picked up on the refrain of “I Kissed A Girl”. I too have kissed a girl, and everyone likes songs which relate to them, but the difference here may be that I am male, and thus my actions carried no titillating tease of the homoerotic. Still, it was of interest.

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Here I stand, I can hate no other

I hate Miley Cyrus. But then again I’m not a pre-pubescent girl.

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Oh, You Support the Electoral College? How Quaint, You’re An Idiot.

Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever

There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.

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PSA: There is a Right Way to Hold your Cellphone. There are Also a Lot of Wrong Ones.

Cellphones have revolutionized our lives. They’ve made instantaneous voice contact to anyone else in the world with a similar device and near some semblance of civilization possible. They’ve partially invalidated expensive and complicated wired infrastructure. They’ve even allowed us to ignore any situation by talking to someone who isn’t even there rather than being active participants in our own lives.

However, as with any technology sprung so quickly on the public, some people just don’t do it right. Holding one’s cellphone in a logical way has become a very confusing task indeed to some folks.

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The Funniest Joke in Politics

At a time when Clinton’s argument for the nomination is, without hyperbole, “I’m ahead in the meaningless popular vote if you only count states where I won,” it’s hard to see how she is no longer the funniest joke in politics. But it’s true: she has been passed up.

Today, Cheney made a reference to the much-publicized factoid that he is Barack Obama’s relative–something like his 95th cousin. I know, it’s so obvious now; the resemblance is striking. And a flair for compromise runs in the family. In any case, he also shockingly revealed that his geneology shows Cheneys on both sides of his family, “and we’re not even from West Virginia.

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Liberty City Crime Report

SUNDAY, MAY 11, 2008
2:57 P.M. Nico Bellic, 39, of Middle Park East, was arrested in connection with a string of muggings in front of the police station. Suspect was released on bail.

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Editor Kicked Out of College in Dream for Editing Clunkline

Yes, I’m really going to start off an article with this sentence.

While walking down into a stadium on my walk to school that I don’t take through bleachers we don’t have, I was accosted by an ambulance on the field, out of which jumped a pair of police officers.

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Voting Absentee

Fred Thompson made a grim spectacle, his face an unpleasant grimace at odds with his floral swim trunks and jolly, smiley-sun umbrella. He sat, dissatisfied, stretched out on a beach chair in front of the Hawaii surf, his angry eyebrows sinking below his forehead. An unattended girly-drink with a bright parasol rested in his hand, and his gut sloped lazily forward over the drawstring of his trunks. His eyes disinterestedly followed the movements of attractive, scantily-clad women playing in the waves in front of him.

Fred Thompson glowered.

“Fuck,” he said, to no one in particular.

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