How to Use Clunkline: The New Version

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From the Clunkline Editorial Page

It’s time again for the Clunkline “columns from you guys” feature, where we give you, the reader, a chance to voice your opinion. Today’s guest column comes from Garth Q. Jennings in Dead Possum, Alabama, who dictated the following rant to one of our secretaries because he himself can’t type. Or spell.


If Nuclear Weapons Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Nuclear Weapons by Garth Q. Jennings

Well, the government is at it again! Trying to infringe on my God-given right to carry a nuclear missile for self defense. And put “God-given right” in all caps. Wait, are you writing that down, too? Don’t write this part down, just the rest of it.

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War Declared with North America

A different perspective on events eight years old.

Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century.

Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories.

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John McCain Foreclosed out of 5 of 7 Homes

“My friends, these are tough times,” said McCain in a stump speech usually filled with insincere platitudes. But this time was different. “But seriously, my friends. I have a very serious announcement to make. My checkbook is in crisis. My beautiful wife, Cindy, was one of the principal investors in AIG… and the Lehman Brothers… and Merrill Lynch… and… well… pretty much everything that just fell apart. As a result, we’ve been foreclosed out of most of our homes. Like the average American family on Main Street, we’re feeling the pinch.”

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Ebay is Full of Fugly: Time for Farkle-Farkle to be Mean

I’m an Ebayer. It’s like an addiction, and I get obsessed with it periodically. On one particular trip through the Tubes, I found this clothing store which proclaimed:

“We work tirelessly to bring you the latest in fashion.”

Which upon further examination, appears to be like a Dollar Crapticle saying they work tirelessly to bring you items of the highest quality.

Let me explain.

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Clunklanalysis: McCain’s VP Picks, Part II

Mitt “The Also-Ran with a Plan” Romney
Florida Governor Charlie “OMG I LOVE MCCAIN SO DREAMY” has feelings that are not platonic. His governorship has been short of remarkable and long of horrible, making him in no way noteworthy. So far, he has kept his promise of continuing Florida’s reputation for election irregularities, such as voting out of order and voting for John McCain. Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt “The Also-Ran with a Plan” Romney completes our pantheon of exotic candidates by being Mormon. He’s also rich. Really, really rich. And look at that smile! Now we know how he managed to become governor of a liberal state and not be in the least bit liberal.

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Analyzing the Ronnicles: Part 3

The Ronnicles: Exercises in Literacy from one of America’s Finest Convenience Store Managers

The Pumps

The pumps had a habit of leaking, and to this day refuse to print “reseats”. However, with Ronnie’s narrative voice, these problems seemed just a little more surreal.

Pump’s #1 #2 #7 and #8
Were linking This morning So We Put red Bags on them I Allso called Bob
Cornell To let him know

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USA FEAST Act Suspends Freedom to Eat

Yesterday, the USA FEAST Act was signed into law by President Bush, marking a milestone in the fight against Terrorism with a capital T. It plans to selectively limit Americans’ food intake, building on the foundation of the USA PATRIOT Acts, which remove civil liberties so that the government can better fight Terrorism by finding out who’s getting abortions.

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Atheists are chopping off this nation’s Christian roots, boiling them in a broth and making Jesus-soup out of them

Point: Sin

Sin, sin, sin. That’s all the atheists think of, and they even do it at least three times like I typed it. Atheists have been proven scientifically to be less moral than Christians (Source: Conservapedia), less charitable than Christians (Source: The Internet), and, fortunately, less politically-influential than Christians (Source: The Bible). They are a part of a massive conspiracy by the Gay Nazi Papist Commies to undermine our well-documented morality for ulterior motives we are far too busy to actually explain.

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HEY! Are you feeling UNCOMFORTABLY PAINED? Like something hit your jaw and it’s KICKED YOUR ASS? Like your toothache hurts worse than being kicked by a GORILLA? Then try Nyquil! You’ll feel SO GOOD.

You’ll drink it and you’ll be like “hey this tastes like the color it is. Why didn’t they make it a tastier color?” But COLORS DON’T HAVE TASTE YOU CRAZY LIBERAL!

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Somebody Please Explain to Me Why Any Democrat Would <i>Want</i> to Nominate Hillary Clinton

Democrats are known for finding a way to fuck up the best opportunities they get. This time around, that way is named Hillary Clinton. It’s not that she’s completely evil. It’s not that Hillary is so liberal she couldn’t win over independents in a general election. It’s that those independents think she is, and their perception is far more important than reality. Voters are immune to truth.


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