A bill has passed the House to give a Representative in Congress to the heavily-Democratic District of Columbia, which has lacked any sort of voice in the Capitol since the nation’s founding. License plates in DC are emblazoned with “Taxation without Representation” in protest.
Controversially, the bill also contains a provision giving an extra Congressional vote to Republican Utah, in order to even out the partisan mixture of the new additions. Utah narrowly missed getting an extra seat in 2000, and has since been throwing temper tantrums. “No taxation without disproportionate representation,” read license plates in Utah.
Immediately after his inauguration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama pushed the Magic Economic Reset Button located in the Oval Office. The Magic Reset Button immediately fixed various complex problems without any short-term sacrifices or any need for patience.
In a speech congratulating Obama for his victory, Bush made a surprising revelation. “And as the current President of this country, I look forward to passing the torch on to Mr. Obama. …NOT!” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m not even President! Al Gore is. You guys really didn’t figure that out after eight years? What a bunch of rubes.”
With the Presidential election a mere 2 days away, America has been standing at rapt attention, following the election closely for so long that November 4th is going to be like the long-delayed orgasm the nation has been waiting for since the election process started.
Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
Sarah Palin has been ignoring the McCain campaign’s orders and just kind of running her own (even sloppier) campaign. Apparently she values the advice of a View host over that of her campaign’s managers. What a maverick of the maverick.
On Sunday, Colin Powell, fated to be the second black President, endorsed Barack Obama, ensuring he will become the first. “McCain has been kind of a dick lately,” said Powell in his announcement. “If he didn’t pal around with Steve Schmidt, we’d be having a different conversation today. I was kind of hoping to be the first myself, but… but Sarah Palin? Really?”
The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative.
We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”.
In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”.
First Guy: I’m not voting for John McCain because he was in prison.
Second Guy: Uhhh… you know he was a prisoner of war, right? In North Vietnam? He’s a war hero.
First Guy: I don’t care. Prison is prison.
Pool reporters were stunned Thursday when Mitt Romney greeted them on the campaign plane with his trademark grin—instead of Sarah Palin, whom the reporters were fairly sure had been the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. Romney, attempting a Bluff check, smiled away most doubts that he had always been McCain’s VP.
The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot.
Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) announced over the weekend that he would be committing to a new shift in strategy, but few before today could have been sure exactly what he meant. His new internet ad, titled Economic Stimulus Package, shows him bailing out Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), seizing control of the markets and giving it to her, and releasing his rebate check all over her face.
