Silent Night: A Christmas Carol

“A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!”, cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge’s nephew, who came upon him so quickly that this was the first intimation he had of his approach.

“Bah!”, said Scrooge. “Humbug!”

He had so heated himself with rapid walking in the fog and frost, this nephew of Scrooge’s, that he was all in a glow; his face was ruddy and handsome; his eyes sparkled, and his breath smoked again.

“Christmas a humbug, uncle?”, said Scrooge’s nephew. “You don’t mean that, I am sure?”

“I do”, said Scrooge. “‘Merry Christmas’! What right have you to be merry? What reason have you to be merry? You’re poor enough.”

“Come, then”, returned the nephew gaily. “What right have you to be dismal? What reason have you to be morose? You’re rich enough.”

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Ten Reasons a Mattress on the Floor is Better than a Bed

I have a bed. It’s sitting in the back of the somewhat derelict van that is parked in front of my house. I have actively chosen not to put it together since the end of July, because I, through my own sloth, accidentally discovered the greatest sleep-apparatus short of a hammock. Mattress on the floor is divine for the following reasons.

1: Endless nightstand. Do you really want to fuck around with a two-by-one-and-a-half-foot space for your alarm clock, cellphone, and everything else you’re way too lazy to put where it belongs? Stop, then! Your nightstand just became the floor within arm’s reach of your mattress. You have been liberated.

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The Dueling Comic Satires of Epiglottis and Priapus

The Potty Pyramid of Djoser, where the extant copies were found. At the time of its construction, it was the tallest building in the world.

In Ancient Greece, few dramas were more tense than this exchange of sharp words and swords between a pair of rival playwrights. Their story remained lost to history until the relevant documents were plumbed out of the depths of an Egyptian portopotty. It is supposed that they were deposited there after being discarded when an Achaemenid used them as first reading material, and then toilet paper.

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Tanzmetall’s Nouveau Stereotypes, Part I

Stereotypes are insulting and divisive. Of course, I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with, is that they insult the wrong people. When’s the last time you heard an epithet for Iowans? Well, if you finish reading this article, it will be five minutes from now.

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Electric Fences: A Pointless Review

They’re quite shocking, to be sure, but how good are they really?
Fortunately for you, I have the answer!

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fishy fishfish

good mourning
a great american died today

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Million-Person Rally Expected in Chicago

A victory rally of unprecedented size is planned for Chicago on the night of the 4th. Lake County, Indiana is bracing its fortifications in the event that Obama loses, and the crowd turns into an army.

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I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

As H.L. Mencken once said, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.”

I partly blame the excessive, ridiculous primary campaign, but this year’s election season has been too close, too long, and too dire for me to bear. I spend far too much time reading, thinking, and writing about it. And the race is close because people are too stupid or ignorant or apathetic to give a shit about it. What an insult to people like me who actually think about things.

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StudKickass: A Webcomic for the Ages

I am an expert on terrible webcomics.

About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.

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