Dear Sir Richard, In response to your overly enthusiastic letter detailing your invention, and with the aid of several of the local youth we found wandering our grounds, we have completed several prototypes of your proposed design. We have begun the lab testing procedure, and are almost ready to release these into the market. There are, however, a few design choices I think you should reconsider.
New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson is half-Mexican, half-American, and all spice. His jolly jowls jiggle with laughter as he explains his national security credentials. He is the big, huggable teddy bear of the Democratic Party, and the only teddy bear to run for the White House since Teddy Roosevelt. Full of experience, happiness, past ambassadorial appointments, and Ricky Martin-esque Latin charm, Bill Richardson would help Obama make the term “White House” a misnomer.
Delaware Sen. Joe Biden, commonly mistaken for Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd, is largely distinguished from Dodd by the fact that his eyebrows could not hold back the rising waters of the Mississippi. What this means is that Biden and Dodd are otherwise similar, in terms of being relatively unremarkable white guys. Biden supposedly has a lot of national security experience but who cares? Can he cook me up some habanero sauce?
In recent days, Hillary Clinton has tried to get the nomination by appealing overtly to stupid voters. The two biggest examples of this are her handling of the Wright non-controversy, and her even more imaginary “Bittergate”. In both cases, someone on Obama’s side was accused of saying something “offensive”, usually to small-town, white Americans. The problem? Nearly everything those people said was true.
North Korea’s attempt to create a totally glorious national symbol resulted instead in the creation of a totally appropriate national symbol.
“White Elephant” is a term used to describe an expensive waste of money that is kept around anyway because it is symbolic or pretty, like a decaying aircraft carrier, an expensive statue, or a trophy wife. Fortunately for rich men, trophy wives rarely look like white elephants. Unfortunately for North Korea, they’re not rich: North Korea’s white elephant looks like a peanut found in one of Big Brother’s most ominous turds.
The Ryugyong Hotel is the most expensive stupid thing I’ve ever heard of, after Paris Hilton, who is similarly renowned for being something you could sleep in but wouldn’t want to.
“I was just driving along one day, and I saw this sign on the side of the road shaped like a stop sign, and it said ‘Bacon.’ I didn’t know what to do!”
This perplexed reaction is common to the drivers of the little town of Pheba, Mississippi. The Clay County Board of Transportation has enacted a new road-safety code that uses various signs with more specific instructions than “STOP,” “SLIPPERY WHEN WET,” and “DEER XING.”