It has come to my attention that my esteemed rival, DNC Spokesman Benjamin F. Hallett, has described Barack Obama’s energy plan as “clairvoyant”, given that he outlined it in October 2007, long before gas hit $4.50 a gallon.
Well, if Hallett thinks Obama is so clairvoyant, then how does he explain Obama’s vote on the Punting Toddlers Act of 2006?
It comes to my most just attention that my city of Kish, blessed of Enlil, has come into inexplicable debt certainly not incurred by my humble gambling away of the royal treasury. I request your assistance in the same manner as I pray for Enlil’s, and prostrate my humble body and city at your mercy, should you choose within your righteousness to smite us for our crime of being poor. And yet I dance with joy as if this were a holy-day, for I know that in your wisdom you will not smite us, and yet help us with our debt that, should you need reminding, I did not cause by gambling.
subject: Your Recent Posts at RedPornoTube
First I would like to thank you for all of the time and effort you spend patronizing our website and free service, redpornotube.com. Like many of our users, you give back to this community driven website by uploading your own pornographic content, in addition to downloading the content of others.
I would like to note here, however, just for the record, that this trade of data is not very much like the analogy you used in your previous email to us – online videos are in no way like “the cum-stained porno mags of your father’s closet, pages stuck together like thighs.” Indeed I would posit that they are more like the slutty girl at your local highschool – passed around like some form of social currency.
The Pennsylvania exit polls are conclusive: campaign signage is more important than ever before. Undecided voters are frequently swayed by bumper stickers, lawn signs, and lapel pins, with 62% reporting that a sign “strongly influenced” their decision.
Warren Milford was one such undecided voter, until last Saturday. “But then I saw my neighbor’s Barack Obama lawn sign. And it was blue. Also it had that little ‘O’ symbol that doesn’t really mean anything but looks nice. I went, ‘oh, blue is pretty.’ A few days later, I cast my ballot for Obama.”
I’m sure you thought it was cute. I’m sure you thought it was hilarious. Putting a red heart in your uppermost window and hooking a sex doll up to a sex machine so it makes irritating sythesex noises 24/7. I just want you to know that everybody within earshot wants to kill you. That is all.
Giving enemas was a time-honored tradition in some primitive cultures. So was receiving them. This, therefore, was inevitable.
Last time, I reviewed a pair of horrible online catalogs, but they had way too many hideously stupid items for sale for me to possibly cover in one update. Even today, I’m nowhere near done ripping Carol Wright a new one, but this update ought to bring us one step closer to, at the very least, giving her an enema.
Since I’ve gone to all the trouble of getting on my rubber gloves and getting her to bend over, you only have to sit back in your comfort wedge and enjoy the show.
NBC News’s Tim Russert: Senator Clinton, do you have any comments about your Iraq war vote? Clinton: You know, I’ve noticed that I’m the only one who gets questions about how I voted for the war in Iraq. I’m fine with fielding those questions, but I do think it’s unfair.
Dearest readers, allow me to express my truest, most humble apologies for the war of words you have no doubt witnessed between the neighboring territories of Grabass_Champion’s Corner and my own loyal Corner. The fighting was long and intense, and in this war of attrition, there could be no winner. It was as if we were bystanders in Alien vs. Predator or participating in the Special Olympics: no matter who wins, we’re still losers. Also, both are stupid and so is he.
Lots of holidays are retarded. Groundhog Day is the worst.
I don’t just hate it because it’s superstitious. Plenty of holidays are superstitious and founded on baseless idiocy. Halloween, Christmas, Easter… But I don’t hate those as much as I hate Groundhog Day, because Groundhog Day is superstitious and boring. All the evil spirits of hell coming to the earth to haunt and torture humans—interesting and awesome. Big guy in red has an unsustainable business plan—interesting and unrealistically generous. Guy gets nailed to a cross and poked with a spear for being abnormally nice—gruesome, but interesting. Groundhog Day is none of those.