Paul America and the Case of a Room of His Own


Two weeks had gone by, and on the appointed day Paul had showed up at the doorstep of America Manor. The servants had shown him in, made a few gestures here and there by way of showing him around, and then, in broken Star-Spanglish, indicated that they would be leaving to let him spend the night alone and that he could help himself to anything in the fridge. And then that was that… as the last of their 254.4 million cars pulled away towards Mexico, Paul shut the gate and turned back.

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Hawaii's Natural Beauty

Hawaii has a surprisingly gritty underside. No place on Earth is free of stupidity… they just all have different stupidities, and some are more stupid than others. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen so much of this if I had the money to be a real tourist, but I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and here are the splinters I got.

Click for bigger pictures.

In the Hilo Wal-Mart parking lot, I saw this Alaskan pickup. (Yep, we went to Wal-Mart on vacation.)

In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here?

This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.

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Clunkline at Two: A Retrospective

Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.

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Tanzmetall’s Nouveau Stereotypes, Part I

Stereotypes are insulting and divisive. Of course, I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with, is that they insult the wrong people. When’s the last time you heard an epithet for Iowans? Well, if you finish reading this article, it will be five minutes from now.

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Election Results in Virginia to be Determined by Basketball Game

In an FEC-sanctioned contest, Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sarah Palin (R-AK) will square off in a one-on-one basketball match to determine the winner of this tossup state. The measure is already being praised as “more fair than the Electoral College” by commentators hoping it is a standard soon to be used nationwide.

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What Not to Name Your Company: Part 1

So I’ve spent my summer working as a temp at a company that manufactures safety equipment for other companies around the world. My department specializes in hard hats, and I’m to pack them. For eight hours a day. Monday through Friday. Yeah, it’s that awesome.

Needless to say, there’s not a lot of thought necessary to stick a suspension in a hat, put both into a bag, and then to place the whole thing in a box. To stave off boredom, I have my music, which helps, but is not always sufficient. So my thoughts continue to wander around, searching for something, anything, to keep me from taking my utility knife and seeing what can be done with these pesky wrists.

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Bush To Veto Middle East

President Bush today signed an executive order that vetoes the Middle East. What this means or how he expects to exert judicial power over a diverse group of sovereign states is beginning to astound world leaders.

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Clunklanalysis: Obama’s VP Picks, Part IV

Evan “Clintonite” Bayh
Hillary “Rodham” Clinton
Indiana Senator Evan “Clintonite” Bayh is one of those VP contenders who leaves you scratching your head. You only hear about him with regards to his being from a swing state or how he’s a VP contender. You never hear, “Recent Bayh-sponsored legislation was really popular and successful.” Even Chris “Eyebrows” Dodd got on my good side recently with his hard-line opposition to the FISA bill, and if Dodd can do something, anyone should be able to. But the only thing Bayh has opposed that anybody noticed was Obama’s candidacy. New York Senator Hillary “Rodham” Clinton is Obama’s most bitter formal rival, who ran on a platform of “I Deserve Everything” earlier this year. The movement to conscript her as Obama’s running mate is vast, even though it would do no good for Obama’s candidacy, since her voters are already either for him, or they will be for him in November and just don’t know it yet.

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DECLASSIFIED: Secret Confederate Space Program

RICHMOND – In the wake of the Battle of the Wilderness, CSA president Jefferson Davis authorized the creation of CASA, the Confederate Air and Space Administration.

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Oh, You Support the Electoral College? How Quaint, You’re An Idiot.

Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever

There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.

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Second Great Disaster of the Twenty-First Century Unveiled in New York

Italian architect David Fisher today unveiled what is sure to be the second great disaster of the twenty-first century. Called ‘Dynamic Tower’, it will be a 1378 foot apartment building that can rotate on voice command by residents.

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This day in television history: The first televised somersault

On this day in 1922, the American Broadcast Corporation in partnership with RKO Radio Pictures broadcast to nearly five hundred homes across the nation the instant classic “Man Doing Somersault”.

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Editor Kicked Out of College in Dream for Editing Clunkline

Yes, I’m really going to start off an article with this sentence.

While walking down into a stadium on my walk to school that I don’t take through bleachers we don’t have, I was accosted by an ambulance on the field, out of which jumped a pair of police officers.

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Six film reviews, because I just watched six films…

…in something like 36 hours. Yes, I had better things to do; obviously I didn’t do them. In an effort to compensate for my incredibly poor time management, I will attempt to make these reviews as short as possible.

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Atheists are chopping off this nation’s Christian roots, boiling them in a broth and making Jesus-soup out of them

Point: Sin

Sin, sin, sin. That’s all the atheists think of, and they even do it at least three times like I typed it. Atheists have been proven scientifically to be less moral than Christians (Source: Conservapedia), less charitable than Christians (Source: The Internet), and, fortunately, less politically-influential than Christians (Source: The Bible). They are a part of a massive conspiracy by the Gay Nazi Papist Commies to undermine our well-documented morality for ulterior motives we are far too busy to actually explain.

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