Night Shift Collages: Coffeehouse Edition

Inspired by the memory of compiling the original Night Shift Collages and the Scissorshop images with Burpen, I decided to make some of these during time in which I should have been doing useful things in school.

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Scissorshop

SAVE0010

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Night Shift Collages

This is what happens when you leave convenience store clerks alone with a bunch of newspapers.

Perhaps the only article worth reading in the sports section.

Perhaps the only article worth reading in the sports section.

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You are smart to read this

You are smart to read this

Marmaduke is the worst comic ever.

Marmaduke is a comic that is as old as my parents. It’s been drawn by the same fellow, one Brad Anderson, since 1954, and since the fateful day of its creation Marmaduke has served as a daily reminder that you don’t have to be funny or talented to be syndicated in newspapers nationwide.

I once read the entire Marmaduke comic described succinctly as “The big dog is on something you want.” I think there’s an even simpler explanation: the cartoonist is not funny at all.

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Seasons Beatings from Clunkline!

Season's Beatings!

Season's Beatings!

Int. Mad Scientist's Lair - Dusk


A henchman ratchets a final cog into place in a massive, Byzantine machine. Gears surround a coal oven. Exhaust pipes and smokestacks weave throughout the room.

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Local Researcher Coins New Physics Term

Dwayne Smith, a physicist with a Ph.D. from MIT, has named a developing physics concept after himself. The Smith Point, as it has come to be called, is an expression representing the point in time at which one’s need to relieve oneself overcomes one’s aversion to sitting on a room-temperature toilet seat during the winter months.

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The Worst Thing About Bush: It’s Not what you Think

The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative.

We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”.

In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”.

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The best thing that ever happened, ever, anywhere. And ever.

I remember way back in the day watching some documentary about the Jena 6 or the Waterloo 19 or something like that. It was in a classroom in my old high school, and the TV’s there had a habit of clipping the corners off the image because the corners were too rounded.

The documentary liked to show scanned newspaper headlines. One of the headlines said, “Black men accused of rape,” which was not funny until it zoomed in ever so slightly, and now said, “Black men accused of rap.”

I burst out laughing at this tragic headline and probably looked either racist or insane.

I don't care <I>what</I> George does...

When perusing the Penn Township News (known to Murrysvillians as the Penn-Franklin… more or less the same paper) I found this gem.



But it gets even better than that…









Swing State Profile: Iowa

Why A Swinger?

Since media penetration has hovered around only 3% since the invention of the newspaper in this part of the country, many people still believe Calvin Coolidge is running for president, much less being informed on current events.

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Apparently I Don’t Know Anything About Comedy, Or Anything Else For That Matter

Until I met my sister’s boyfriend, I thought I knew comedy. I had somehow been under the false impression that, from time to infrequent time, I wrote a bit of it myself. Just a little, you know, on the side, nothing much. Certainly not an article every three days or so. (Where did I get a crazy idea like that?) That paradigm has all shifted, now that I’ve met Brad, and now I truly understand that I just simply am not funny. I also learned that this is objective, and even if readme disappears off the newspaper racks it is only because people secretly hate me.

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Newspaper Lulz

This day in television history: The first televised somersault

On this day in 1922, the American Broadcast Corporation in partnership with RKO Radio Pictures broadcast to nearly five hundred homes across the nation the instant classic “Man Doing Somersault”.

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