Inspired by the memory of compiling the original Night Shift Collages and the Scissorshop images with Burpen, I decided to make some of these during time in which I should have been doing useful things in school.
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 Season's Beatings! Dwayne Smith, a physicist with a Ph.D. from MIT, has named a developing physics concept after himself. The Smith Point, as it has come to be called, is an expression representing the point in time at which one’s need to relieve oneself overcomes one’s aversion to sitting on a room-temperature toilet seat during the winter months. The worst thing about him is that he is fucking uncreative. We were attacked on September 11th. What did they call it? “September 11th”. We went to war in Iraq. What did they call it? “The War in Iraq”. In World War II, the attack that launched the war was called “Pearl Harbor” and “A Day that will Live in Infamy”, not “December 7th”. The Holocaust was called “The Holocaust”, not “That One Time when All Those Jews Died”. I remember way back in the day watching some documentary about the Jena 6 or the Waterloo 19 or something like that. It was in a classroom in my old high school, and the TV’s there had a habit of clipping the corners off the image because the corners were too rounded. The documentary liked to show scanned newspaper headlines. One of the headlines said, “Black men accused of rape,” which was not funny until it zoomed in ever so slightly, and now said, “Black men accused of rap.” I burst out laughing at this tragic headline and probably looked either racist or insane. When perusing the Penn Township News (known to Murrysvillians as the Penn-Franklin… more or less the same paper) I found this gem.  But it gets even better than that…   
Until I met my sister’s boyfriend, I thought I knew comedy. I had somehow been under the false impression that, from time to infrequent time, I wrote a bit of it myself. Just a little, you know, on the side, nothing much. Certainly not an article every three days or so. (Where did I get a crazy idea like that?) That paradigm has all shifted, now that I’ve met Brad, and now I truly understand that I just simply am not funny. I also learned that this is objective, and even if readme disappears off the newspaper racks it is only because people secretly hate me. |
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