No, I am not reviewing the Playstation RPG that people have been fawning over for years. Instead, I have obtained through my good friend J-tin a copy of the movie that takes place two years after the events in the game. I should preface this saying I knew about as much about Final Fantasy VII going into this as a blind man knows about the difference between red and blue. I’ve heard much about it, but have no real experience playing it. For that matter, the only Final Fantasy games I have played are a FFXII sequel and FFIII for the Nintendo DS. But I decided to see how this movie would hold against the standards of someone not enthralled by FFVII’s mystical aura. And quite frankly, it could have done better.
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In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece. [Hook:] [Verse 1:] The narrow victory of “Yes” on Election Day appears to be due, in part, to interference from Reform Party’s “Maybe”, which received 4% of the popular vote. According to exit polling data, 2/3 of Maybe voters had No as a second choice. Had Maybe not been on the ballot, it is highly probable that No would have won.
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark. A survey of countries supposedly complicit in genocides revealed that all the strange happenins’, shady dealins’, and apparent killins’ were only coincidences. This survey allayed fears of guilty American citizens who were starting to feel bad about sitting around while not one but several genocides were going on. “We have no idea how all these villages were burned, women were raped, and people were killed ruthlessly and systematically on the basis of their ethnic background,” said representatives of the Sudanese government, the country where Darfur is located. “But it certainly had nothing to do with Chinese oil companies! It must have happened while we stepped outside for a cigarette. Yes, the entire Sudanese government. At the same time. …We like company.” I’ve got a number of pet peeves, and, to my annoyance, I am constantly finding more to foster with the passing of time. In my book, constantly is too often, and living on a college campus full of bozos and ruffians does not help. So that the world can share in my grief, I will share my pet peeves with you all, one for each week. Some of them, people will be able to sympathize with me on. Others…. well, only in my world I suppose. Anyone out there got earplug headphones? If so, then you might know where I’m going with this. Or maybe I’ll surprise you yet. |
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