Dear Armadillidium vulgare,
I know not the manner in which you came to be on my ceiling. Nor do I know why you struck my lower back as you fell from the ceiling to the back of my chair.
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1. I don’t rinse things before I put them in the dishwasher. It’s called a dishWASHER, people! Rinsing things is what it DOES! You don’t roast something over a fire before you put it in the oven, do you? That’s like parking a car in your bedroom so you can drive to the car in your garage. Now, it’s true that I don’t have a bedroom, but I do sleep in my car. I am writing to you about some problems I am having in your course, 37-267: Basics of Organic Chemistry. I am not sure how many of these problems you are aware of, or what you can do about them, but I hope you will be able to help me. Firstly, your TA in my section, James Q. Wilkin, does not seem to have the students’ best interest in mind. He curves our quizzes arbitrarily, refuses to post his PowerPoint notes as required by the syllabus, gives quizzes on topics not covered in class or in the book, does not appear to understand the material, and occasionally pees on students. I strongly recommend you replace him as TA. When perusing the Penn Township News (known to Murrysvillians as the Penn-Franklin… more or less the same paper) I found this gem.  But it gets even better than that…   
Hillary Clinton today denounced critics who said she should pull out of Vietnam. “The war’s not over yet. Not everyone has fired off all their rounds! Let’s stop letting the pundits say who’s won this war and just let everyone shoot.”
Like a Monarch butterfly, I am both beautiful and threatened. It is true–my milkweed is a computer in readme‘s office fondly known as “Notatracksuit”. (Because it is not, you see, in fact a tracksuit.) Over the three years I’ve been using the machine, I did in fact create many of the items on that list. But in my defense, all of the ferret-related searches were for this photoshop, and I only read Peeing Man Monthly for the articles. Evidently, Tanzmetall thought the autocomplete options for the google search terms on a public computer he was using were simultaneously disturbing and amusing. I’d like to advance the theory that, like Monarch butterflies and their yearly return to the same place in Mexico, Tanzmetall uses the same public computer every time he goes to that lab, and therefore unwittingly created that list. |
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