Since Clunkline has just entered its new glorious auspicious second phase of righteous harmony, known to non-party-members as Clunkline 2.0, we as the Clunkline staff feel it’s necessary at this juncture to issue a review of the past two years of Clunkline history.
Preface by the Abbot Anslwyth in the time of King Henry VII:
These scripts, having been found on the old battlefield by a local farmer wound inside a glass spirits bottle, represent a great communication of our historic Royal Army from the time of the last offensive against the crown of England. Herein lie the last independent leaders of Gwynedd, and possibly insight into their demise. They are studiously replicated in the librarium of the Abbey by Brother Angloham.
July 14th, 1376
From: The camp of Lieutenant Llywelyn Fawr
To: His Lordship Owain Glyndŵr, Prince Of Gwynedd
Subj: For Gwynedd!!!
So… I have returned from behind the Great Firewall, a bit shorter and a bit more slanty-eyed, and with the distinct inability to pronounce words like “bus” and “campus” without inserting a mysterious “r” sound after the “u”. In China I learned many things, from how to properly use a car horn while driving (as a signal that there is something within 50 feet of the front of the car), to how to avoid getting hit by a child happily cannoning streams of urine into the street. Two months of endless diarrhea at the hands of Wuhan food, all of which contains loads of chili peppers, coupled with the inevitable circumstance that non-potable tap water would somehow end up in my stomach, have turned my rectum into the strongest muscle in my body, and lost me about 15 pounds. A week in Beijing renewed my appreciation for being able to see more than half a mile in any direction. Two months in Wuhan, where heat indexes routinely cleared 120 degrees Fahrenheit, renewed my appreciation for more temperate climes. Okay, that last bit’s not true at all, Pittsburgh weather is still comparable to diving into an olympic-sized pool full of mayonnaise-filled water balloons. I think the point of all this is, the Chinese are awful at English.
1. Robert Plant is gonna leave you, he said baby, you know he’s gonna leave you, he’ll leave you when the summer comes a-rollin’, leave you when the summer comes along. (Led Zeppelin – “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”)
2. Someone named Jamie is crying. (Van Halen – “Jamie’s Cryin’”)
3. Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone. (The Rolling Stones – “Ruby Tuesday”)
4. Roger Daltrey, whose heart is like a broken cup, really wants to know who you are. (The Who – “Who Are You”)
5. A kazoo solo makes for an amusing song. (Pink Floyd – “Corporal Clegg”)
Leonid’s an inexperienced nuclear technician three months on the job, two if you don’t count all the clowning around he does! Number four is an RBMK-1000 reactor at the end of his fuel cycle…and at the end of his wits! Together, they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” Tonight’s Episode: Worst Case Scenario…ever!
We open on the control room as Leonid walks in
FOUR: Did you manage to get the lights back on in corridor thirteen?
LEO: Yeah, it took me a while to find a replacement for the breaker since they’re now colorless instead of bright red and they jam a little. I had trouble getting the new clear fuse in. (cue laugh track)
In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*
*Taste buds cannot be tightened.
Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.
Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.
No, I am not reviewing the Playstation RPG that people have been fawning over for years. Instead, I have obtained through my good friend J-tin a copy of the movie that takes place two years after the events in the game. I should preface this saying I knew about as much about Final Fantasy VII going into this as a blind man knows about the difference between red and blue. I’ve heard much about it, but have no real experience playing it. For that matter, the only Final Fantasy games I have played are a FFXII sequel and FFIII for the Nintendo DS. But I decided to see how this movie would hold against the standards of someone not enthralled by FFVII’s mystical aura. And quite frankly, it could have done better.
Want to feel like you’re doing your part to fight climate change without the hassle of actually doing anything useful? Hopefully you do, according to recreation industry insiders. The latest band-aid to cure you of your potentially-terminal cancer? Sequestering excess carbon into your lungs via single-use smoke-administration devices.
In an FEC-sanctioned contest, Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sarah Palin (R-AK) will square off in a one-on-one basketball match to determine the winner of this tossup state. The measure is already being praised as “more fair than the Electoral College” by commentators hoping it is a standard soon to be used nationwide.
A celebratory Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), flanked by lobbyists from the environmental movement, announced that Congress had just approved three new flaws of Nuclear Power, continuing her brave crusade to keep the totally dangerous and obviously bad energy source away from America.
Just announced earlier this week, Microsoft’s new Blueteeth Human Interface Device (HID) has already received hundreds of accolades for its innovativeness.
The device replaces a computer’s traditional keyboard and mouse arrangement with two Bluetooth-enabled plastic molds fitted to the user’s teeth. Worn much like a retainer, these bright blue colored HIDs are made only slightly bulkier than the teeth they were modeled after due to the thin pressure-sensitive nodes resting above each tooth. By either clenching their teeth or pressing on specific teeth with their tongue, users can move the cursor around the screen, click, or even type.
Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat.
Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured.
South Carolina exhibits all the splendor of an Ante Bellum plantation, complete with super racism power. Seriously, don’t go there unless you are white and a protestant. Somehow I lived there and got out alive as a Catholic.