With former frontrunners Rick Perry, Herman Cain, and Michele Bachman all fading in the polls, eyes are now turning to former speaker of the house Newt Gingrich, who will have to prove just how criminally insane he really is in order to secure the nomination.
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When we set up our new ads, I set them as NSFW. Porn, see, isn’t allowed on our advertising network, and by NSFW, they basically mean, anything your grandma wouldn’t want to see. Clunkline definitely qualifies. But, having tagged ourselves as NSFW, we are now getting ads for dildos and erotica read aloud by a sultry, lusty female. Inspired by our foxy new advertisers, MesmericKiwi, me, and the ironically-named Senator Bongledongle decided that now was the opportune time to ruin our future careers in politics. Just FYI, this is pretty horrible and you should not listen to it. On 11 August 2009, William Kostric protested President Obama’s town hall meeting in Portsmouth, New Hampshire. He held a sign reading “It is time to water the tree of liberty!”, and legally carried an unconcealed handgun. In the media frenzy (mostly over the weapon) that ensued thereafter, Kostric says he has been struggling to make clear that his sign was not making a direct reference to the entire passage written by Thomas Jefferson in a letter to William S. Smith in 1787. Jefferson’s words were: The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is a natural manure. Popular electoral prediction site FiveThirtyEight.com has wasted no time since the end of the 2008 election in issuing predictions for the next several cycles. FiveThirtyEight’s founder, Nate Silver, says that he predicts with 97.2% confidence that, in 2020, Anti-Federalist candidate Bill Warkinson will win every state but Guam and West Dakota. Turns out that, two months after I wrote of Jack Kevorkian making a foray into politics, what did Jack Kevorkian do but make a foray into politics. Can’t believe I didn’t notice this until now. Ha ha, that title tricked you into reading something boring. In the interests of full disclosure: this article is not about Anus McKringle, so you can stop now if you don’t care about politics. You know the feeling you get while watching Lord of the Rings… In the middle of the trilogy, you don’t expect it to ever really end. On an intellectual level, you know it will, and you may have even seen it before or have read the books and know how it does, but it goes on for so long, and it drags you down into such a feeling of futility and hopelessness, that you never really believe it will? It just feels like Frodo will always be walking towards Mordor. Likewise, to me, it feels like Bush will always be a lame duck, and Obama will asymptotically approach the presidency, but never actually attain it. The media has a tendency of repeating the same phrases for something: Obama “clinched” the nomination, Palin “energized” her base. But the candidates themselves are even worse, repeating and repeating some words until they lose whatever meaning they ever had. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want to throw tomatoes at the candidates and tell them to go nurse their retarded babies. Or maybe that is just me. We’re headed, beyond any doubt whatsoever, for another Great Depression. Hopefully this Great Depression will be even better and greater than the first. And yet, reading Clunkline, you wouldn’t know it. Why? Because the economy is not just impossible to understand—it’s also mind-numbingly boring. “What?! That’s not… NO. No, you can’t go on national TV and say that. You just can’t. You lying sack of shit,” spewed Derrick Watson of Bridgeville, PA, at the television this weekend. “GOD DAMMIT! Now you made me spill my fucking Coke! I’m gonna fucking kill you, first the lies and now the goddamn Coke!”
“There is to be no more criticism of Palin’s record in the press,” said the McCain campaign in a strongly-worded press release. “Her record has nothing to do with her reputation as a reformer, and true attacks based on policy have no place in our politics. This nonsense is going to stop. Now.”  Why A Swinger? Politics are a touchy subject in New Hampshire. Many people want either a candidate that will pay more attention to New England or one that will stop the terrible war with Vermont separatists which has already lasted some eighteen long years.  Why A Swinger? Many Minnesota residents do not have time to become informed on politics after compulsory anti-Yeti defense force service laws were enacted. |
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