Just FYI, this is pretty horrible and you should not listen to it.

You have been warned.

Perhaps its only redeeming charm comes from its origin in improv. And I don’t mean in the clumsy way 14 year olds on YouTube will call their random ramblings “improvised”, I mean MK is the artistic director of an improv troupe, and AJ and I are performing members of that troupe. Also featured are two other troupe members who will go unnamed, to protect the innocent. Or really, less-guilty.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is a natural manure.

“It should have been evident simply through the fact that I left out with the blood of patriots and tyrants that this statement was not a deliberate, veiled attempt to incite violence. Just because I had a pistol right next to the sign, people are trying to twist my words,” Kostric insists. “I don’t understand how someone could jump to such a conclusion.

“Furthermore, I thought the Gadsden rattlesnake in the middle of the sign would be sufficient clarification of the meaning I intended to convey with the quote. It’s a mostly-forgotten symbol that bears no significance in present-day politics unless you happen to believe the Revolutionary War remains unfought. So I appropriated the image for my own purposes.”

Kostric’s true intentions with the quote became quite clear after a certain photo, reportedly taken after most camera crews packed up and left, surfaced almost a week later.

Missing the mark.

“I had been trying to tell the reporters all along that my paraphrase was a call I wished to broadcast to the entire nation… A call of nature, if you will,” said William. “But I fear the message was grossly misinterpreted. I chalk it up to a shy bladder. Do you know how difficult it is to urinate no-handed from behind a sign?

“Perhaps I could have chosen a more forward rephrasing of Jefferson’s words. However, “It is time to pee on the tree of liberty!” just doesn’t seem to have the same ring that my slogan does. And most obviously, urine is mostly water. How could anyone have overlooked that?”

Kostric says he will continue to advocate radical manipulation of historical imagery and writings to serve one’s own questionable purposes, especially whilst exercising the right of open carry of firearms where it is legal. He also states that he will maintain “a tough stance” on the issue of public urination (the legalization of which he supports), but “not too tough, because that messes with the pee stream. And I can’t keep changing my pants during demonstrations, you know.”

Warkinson, who is currently the Sanitation Commissioner of Duluth, MN, said he was stunned by the projection. “I had never really considered national politics,” he said, musing over his options. “But if it’s gonna happen whether I want it to or not, well hell, next cycle might be the time to run for the House after all. I’ve started thinking about campaign slogans. ‘Nobody cleans up a shitty mess better than Bill Warkinson!’ … It’s a work in progress.”

Also posted were projections as far down the line as 2064. Although projected winner Pablo Jarvis has not yet been born, his victory seems certain, says Silver in his analysis of the data. “His parents have not yet met,” Silver writes, “and yet their marriage is as clearly a part of their destiny as their inevitable divorce. When he is five, his parents will buy him a puppy which he will name Sparky, and after the divorce, his father will get dog visitation rights. At age 8, Jarvis will stop publicly eating his boogers, though he will always continue to do so in private.”

Silver’s predictions have become so accurate that some voting precincts now accept his estimates as the official total. “If he’s just going to be so damn accurate, why would we waste our time counting ballots when we could be at home constantly refreshing FiveThirtyEight?” asked Bucks County, PA Election Commissioner Rory Walsh.

“I don’t plan on voting ever again,” said former voter Janine Murphy, of Reno, NV. “What’s the point? History is already written, and it’s pointless to try and stop it. It’s all a part of Silver’s—ah, I mean, God’s—plan.”

We asked Silver if he was concerned about the paradoxical dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies, but he could not hear us over the buzzing hum of his time machine’s flux capacitor.

Can’t believe I didn’t notice this until now.

In the interests of full disclosure: this article is not about Anus McKringle, so you can stop now if you don’t care about politics.

You know the feeling you get while watching Lord of the Rings… In the middle of the trilogy, you don’t expect it to ever really end. On an intellectual level, you know it will, and you may have even seen it before or have read the books and know how it does, but it goes on for so long, and it drags you down into such a feeling of futility and hopelessness, that you never really believe it will? It just feels like Frodo will always be walking towards Mordor.

Likewise, to me, it feels like Bush will always be a lame duck, and Obama will asymptotically approach the presidency, but never actually attain it. A part of me cannot believe we are going to have an election at all, that we have a chance to put someone I actually like in office… it’s not real to me yet.

I don’t know what it is like to feel proud of my country. In my entire adult life, I have only ever been ashamed to be an American. Shame. True shame, to know that in the post-industrial world, we stand alone in our belligerence and willful ignorance. I am at a loss to understand that we may actually overcome this in a few short weeks. Cynicism does not easily die. And in this case, the cynicism has been reinforced so strongly by Bush’s undiluted idiocy that it is hard to see how it ever will.

People wonder why the young are voting for Obama. Let me make it clear. We just got out of school, out of our Civics classes, where we are taught how great America is and how free we are and how our government has checks and balances. And this lesson is juxtaposed with the horrible reality of the PATRIOT Act, Guantanamo Bay Torture Facility, unnecessary wars, and a government that in no plausible way represents us. As for why we usually are apathetic, I have never heard a politician address anything that resembles my concerns–until now. Why are we active now, then, comes down to two people: Bush and Obama. Bush, who unapologetically destroyed the world we were told existed, and our futures along with it, and Obama, who, as a Constitutional Law professor, promises to at least attempt to restore it.

The previous generations have so horribly fucked up the world that I sincerely doubt we can fix the mess they created. But only Obama even understands the need to try.