“Republican voters are looking for a leader who is not only dangerously unstable, but also completely inept and unqualified to be in charge of a potluck dinner, let alone an entire country.” Explained political pundit Richard Horstman. “Newt’s articulate public speaking and actual familiarity with foreign policy are going to be a huge hindrance in the coming months, he’ll have to show just how stupid he can really be.”

Early in his campaign, Gingrich was already working to offset some of his previous mishaps– such as his successful bi-partisan agreements with Bill Clinton over welfare reform and balancing the budget in the mid-nineties– by making hyperbolic polarizing statements about the Democrats and incurring a six-figure debt to Tiffany’s jewelers. But according to some analysts, this won’t be nearly enough.

“So far, nothing we’ve seen compares to what other candidates have said or done,” said Hortsman.

However, some of Gingrich’s campaign staff disagree with this assessment, pointing out that as early as 1995, Newt complained about sitting in the back of Air Force One, and was fined $300,000 for ethical wrongdoing in 1997.

Gingrich says he hopes to solidify his lead by answering a simple domestic policy question with a rambling response consisting entirely of the syllable “buh,” then killing and eating an entire live walrus on national television later this week.

Just FYI, this is pretty horrible and you should not listen to it.

You have been warned.

Perhaps its only redeeming charm comes from its origin in improv. And I don’t mean in the clumsy way 14 year olds on YouTube will call their random ramblings “improvised”, I mean MK is the artistic director of an improv troupe, and AJ and I are performing members of that troupe. Also featured are two other troupe members who will go unnamed, to protect the innocent. Or really, less-guilty.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is a natural manure.

“It should have been evident simply through the fact that I left out with the blood of patriots and tyrants that this statement was not a deliberate, veiled attempt to incite violence. Just because I had a pistol right next to the sign, people are trying to twist my words,” Kostric insists. “I don’t understand how someone could jump to such a conclusion.

“Furthermore, I thought the Gadsden rattlesnake in the middle of the sign would be sufficient clarification of the meaning I intended to convey with the quote. It’s a mostly-forgotten symbol that bears no significance in present-day politics unless you happen to believe the Revolutionary War remains unfought. So I appropriated the image for my own purposes.”

Kostric’s true intentions with the quote became quite clear after a certain photo, reportedly taken after most camera crews packed up and left, surfaced almost a week later.

Missing the mark.

“I had been trying to tell the reporters all along that my paraphrase was a call I wished to broadcast to the entire nation… A call of nature, if you will,” said William. “But I fear the message was grossly misinterpreted. I chalk it up to a shy bladder. Do you know how difficult it is to urinate no-handed from behind a sign?

“Perhaps I could have chosen a more forward rephrasing of Jefferson’s words. However, “It is time to pee on the tree of liberty!” just doesn’t seem to have the same ring that my slogan does. And most obviously, urine is mostly water. How could anyone have overlooked that?”

Kostric says he will continue to advocate radical manipulation of historical imagery and writings to serve one’s own questionable purposes, especially whilst exercising the right of open carry of firearms where it is legal. He also states that he will maintain “a tough stance” on the issue of public urination (the legalization of which he supports), but “not too tough, because that messes with the pee stream. And I can’t keep changing my pants during demonstrations, you know.”

Warkinson, who is currently the Sanitation Commissioner of Duluth, MN, said he was stunned by the projection. “I had never really considered national politics,” he said, musing over his options. “But if it’s gonna happen whether I want it to or not, well hell, next cycle might be the time to run for the House after all. I’ve started thinking about campaign slogans. ‘Nobody cleans up a shitty mess better than Bill Warkinson!’ … It’s a work in progress.”

Also posted were projections as far down the line as 2064. Although projected winner Pablo Jarvis has not yet been born, his victory seems certain, says Silver in his analysis of the data. “His parents have not yet met,” Silver writes, “and yet their marriage is as clearly a part of their destiny as their inevitable divorce. When he is five, his parents will buy him a puppy which he will name Sparky, and after the divorce, his father will get dog visitation rights. At age 8, Jarvis will stop publicly eating his boogers, though he will always continue to do so in private.”

Silver’s predictions have become so accurate that some voting precincts now accept his estimates as the official total. “If he’s just going to be so damn accurate, why would we waste our time counting ballots when we could be at home constantly refreshing FiveThirtyEight?” asked Bucks County, PA Election Commissioner Rory Walsh.

“I don’t plan on voting ever again,” said former voter Janine Murphy, of Reno, NV. “What’s the point? History is already written, and it’s pointless to try and stop it. It’s all a part of Silver’s—ah, I mean, God’s—plan.”

We asked Silver if he was concerned about the paradoxical dangers of self-fulfilling prophecies, but he could not hear us over the buzzing hum of his time machine’s flux capacitor.

Can’t believe I didn’t notice this until now.