Thanks for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Bulgaria. As westerners, it can be difficult to comprehend the cesspool that is this Balkan state. Therefore, as a world traveler, I have done the hard work and gone to this black hole of reason and law to ascertain its purpose and reveal it to the learned world.
“Brains will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the brains that we seek.” proclaimed Barack Obama, speaking at a convention held by the NAAZW, or National Association for the Advancement of Zombie Welfare.
According to the Associated Press, Illinois Senator Barack Obama appeared at a “Faith Forum” in Lake Forest, California with Illinois Senator Barack Obama.
It was the first time the two men had appeared at such an event. Senator Obama spoke mostly on his support for legalized abortion, while Senator Obama talked about the biblically-outlined responsibility for people to help those less fortunate.
Supreme Ruler Obama today referred to the former US Constitution as “the same old Washington politics”, making it eligible for destruction in the upcoming ‘Bonfire of the Oldies’.
A recent John McCain press release seemed to suggest that McCain was part-black. Observers cried foul, noting that this is an election year flip-flop from a candidate who consistently voted White when the issue came up in the Senate. Obama, who outlined his own blackness in a proposal drafted in October 2007, claimed that McCain was trying to cash in on record black registration, and said it was the “same old Washington politics with the same old Washington players,” even though no other politician in history has ever claimed to be black.
According to Wilkes-Barre City Council hopeful Hillary DeFelice, her election campaign is in hot water.
“I remember back in February, and escalating through April, it didn’t matter where I was in Wilkes-Barre, there was a ‘Hillary 08′ sign in every other yard. It was touching. I had no idea that my candidacy inspired such a following, that I had such high name recognition. It flew in the face of every trend in local politics. And then, around the beginning of June, it just stopped.”
Until I met my sister’s boyfriend, I thought I knew comedy. I had somehow been under the false impression that, from time to infrequent time, I wrote a bit of it myself. Just a little, you know, on the side, nothing much. Certainly not an article every three days or so. (Where did I get a crazy idea like that?) That paradigm has all shifted, now that I’ve met Brad, and now I truly understand that I just simply am not funny. I also learned that this is objective, and even if readme disappears off the newspaper racks it is only because people secretly hate me.
Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever
There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.
“Fuck you!” he hurled at the similarly-bearded deity. “No, fuck YOU,” God spewed back. For the first time in his life, Carlin couldn’t think of a witty retort; God won the debate, and Carlin got fucked.
“I just didn’t feel the slogan fit anymore,” said Obama, shaking his head. “It was time for a change.” And change he has; at least, when it comes to his first broken campaign pledge.
Today, Cheney made a reference to the much-publicized factoid that he is Barack Obama’s relative–something like his 95th cousin. I know, it’s so obvious now; the resemblance is striking. And a flair for compromise runs in the family. In any case, he also shockingly revealed that his geneology shows Cheneys on both sides of his family, “and we’re not even from West Virginia.”
Four of the five front page articles on Clunkline at the time of this posting are about politics. That’s because politics right now is fucked up. Barack Obama wants to make it not-fucked-up.
If Barack Obama is elected, what will we ever do?!
In recent days, Hillary Clinton has tried to get the nomination by appealing overtly to stupid voters. The two biggest examples of this are her handling of the Wright non-controversy, and her even more imaginary “Bittergate”. In both cases, someone on Obama’s side was accused of saying something “offensive”, usually to small-town, white Americans. The problem? Nearly everything those people said was true.
