The pleas of my lieutenant tugged at my heart. My country needed me. And yet, there was nothing I could do.
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Although the Cup burst into A-list stardom with one spectacular feature, many casual moviegoers are unfamiliar with the Cup’s other theatrical work. The Cup’s debut was humble: as a stool sample cup on House, MD. After that non-speaking role, it moved on to become a production assistant on Battlestar Galactica, where it carried coffee to Edward James Olmos. After its lucky break, it scored a handful of high-profile roles, including another big role in the blockbuster sequel, 2Cup2Furious: Porcelain Drift. However, outside of the poop-cup franchise, the Cup has been largely unable to land starring roles in major features. It attempted to get another coffee-carrying job in The Wrestler, but, for some reason, nobody wanted to drink out of it. Article was originally created by Tanzmetall and published by readme.
Few television shows directly cause domestic abuse. It is rare to find one that actually forces anyone to clock the nearest person in a fit of pure rage. But there is some evidence that television does cause violence. In the course of researching this article, my roommate was hospitalized for more wounds than I can count. He was suffering from a fractured collarbone, a split pelvis, a dislocated bladder, and an extra spinal cord. (For the life of me I can’t remember where I got that extra spinal cord.) And then he made the mistake to have Dougie Howser on when I came to visit his ward. God rest his soul… but I believe my point was, Dougie Howser makes you want to kill. Hey, Pittsburgh urban explorers and tourists! Make sure to check out these spots that smell like poo. Location: Fifth Ave. and Amberson
Recently, Barack Obama sent me this email.
7/17/49 Today I found PFC Wilson sleeping in a broken garbage disposal unit. He said he had thought it was his bed. When I asked him how long he had been sleeping there, his saddened reaction indicated that he had been using it as his bunk since we launched from Detria Station six months ago. This puzzled me, because the disposal unit had been operational until two weeks ago. He said that sleeping in an operational garbage disposal unit was difficult, but not impossible; that he would roll out of it every hour to avoid getting crushed and salvage what bedding he could, though he frequently lost pillowcases and sheets to its hungry maw, but he had also wondered why people always threw garbage at him.
5/4/49 My God, I tell you, space is boring. I enlisted for the action of a deep space exploration mission. I never expected that a deep space exploration mission would need latrine duty. I certainly never expected to be personally responsible for cleaning it. Maybe someday, with a bit of luck, I can become Sanitation Officer, promoted through my own merits. That is my true dream. Not cleaning up shit, but telling others to do it for me. One thing’s for sure, in the meantime, this trip isn’t about to get more interesting, and my job couldn’t possibly get more difficult. Certainly it will not do so even if we pick up aliens whose specialty is pooping everywhere.
Babies look stupid. When they’re really young, they have no control over their bodies. Ever get a muscle spasm? It’s a neural misfiring; your brain is not hooked up to its equipment quite right. Well, babies’ whole bodies are like that–they’re one great big, loud, pooping muscle spasm. In early childhood development, the brain spends its time taking in as much information it can about the world around it, and rewires itself accordingly. But before that finishes, babies look like idiots. I’m an Ebayer. It’s like an addiction, and I get obsessed with it periodically. On one particular trip through the Tubes, I found this clothing store which proclaimed: “We work tirelessly to bring you the latest in fashion.” Which upon further examination, appears to be like a Dollar Crapticle saying they work tirelessly to bring you items of the highest quality.
Administrator: Meeting has started.
Lugal Sargon, It comes to my most just attention that my city of Kish, blessed of Enlil, has come into inexplicable debt certainly not incurred by my humble gambling away of the royal treasury. I request your assistance in the same manner as I pray for Enlil’s, and prostrate my humble body and city at your mercy, should you choose within your righteousness to smite us for our crime of being poor. And yet I dance with joy as if this were a holy-day, for I know that in your wisdom you will not smite us, and yet help us with our debt that, should you need reminding, I did not cause by gambling. Love, Bethesda, MD – A local social gathering in Bethesda yesterday featured an unusual guest. A Mongolian Yak was invited through a postal error. “The yak showed up at the door, and I was like ‘What are you doing here?’ but he showed me an invitation and I had to let him in.” It turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to Dana Yamnitski’s party. |
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