About half our ads are for webcomics so abysmal, they make Minimum Security look like Calvin and Hobbes. I always browse through our Project Wonderful advertisers’ sites to see if I find any gems, which are exceptionally rare (see also: Grade D but Edible, Buttersafe). I’ve only found two webcomics I’ve really enjoyed among dozens that have bought our advertising. That says a lot about how many people simply do not belong in that business. Some of these unremarkable strips are solidly “pretty good”, but their potential is wasted by either a bad partnership or a lack of a badly-needed partnership; some are just in all ways conventional, been-done, and uninteresting. There is nothing memorable to distinguish 97% of all webcomics. Trust me: StudKickass is different. StudKickass is one of the most memorable strips I’ve ever seen… but I do not wish this experience even on my worst enemies.
I took a drag from my cigarette and kicked Tanzmetall in the ribs. Nothing but a bloody death rattle from him. He was a goner for sure, and by lucky chance he had saved me some work. NDP was down, and I made sure he stayed down for good.
“Technical wankery” is a phrase used not because it’s really all that clever, but because it references masturbation. Dragonforce’s seemingly undying need to play really fast and unsatisfying guitar riffs bears much similarity to masturbation: It’s got nothing to do with pleasing anyone except the person doing the act itself. While it may be impressive that they can play really, really fast, it also seems to produce the musical equivalent of rapid-fire bowel movements: it’s startling and kind of uncomfortable. And we all know that truly good music is for the listener, not the player.
An Open Letter To All The People Out There Who Say They Hate Dragonforce
Between porn, Wikipedia, file sharing, porn, facebook, porn, YouTube, Homestar Runner, and porn, the internet can be a wonderful place. It can also be a really stupid place, because it allows people like YOU to spew their ASININE OPINIONS without fear of immediate physical retaliation.
Yeah, you know who you are. You’re one of those people who uses completely MEANINGLESS phrases like “technical wankery” in a desperate attempt to find something bad to say about a band that’s so incredible you have to invent words just to find something to complain about. “All they ever do is play fast” you say. Well so what? All B.B. King ever does is play blues. All Yo Yo Ma ever does is play cello. All Jerome Bettis ever did was play football. All my co-worker Dan ever does is play World of Warcraft. And except in that last example, there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT SO YOU CAN JUST SHOVE THAT ARGUMENT UP YOUR ASS!
Louisiana Governor Bobby “Creepy Smile” Jindal is much-loved among the conservative assholes who have so far shied away from McCain for not being proud enough to be an asshole. He has run a completely non-transparent government in a state whose reputation for mismanagement and catastrophe rivals that of President Bush. All of this makes him a likely pick.
Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman is a Senator from Connecticut who hates doing the right thing. In 2000, he helped Al Gore lose/win and ultimately lose an election, and now he is doing the same for Barack Obama. Joe Lieberman, who left the Democratic Party for the Fuck the Democrats Party (of his own founding), endorsed John McCain, who gleefully added “Jewish voters” to his list of minority voters he could count on. It is still the only bullet point on that list.
Many computers, it seems, have Samba (a file/print sharing program) installed and running by default. As a result, while living in a dorm at school I found some images on other people’s computers (and cell phones) that they probably wish I hadn’t. The good thing about this is they have no idea the images were even available. The bad thing about this is I’d occasionally see these people around the campus and have to suppress laughter.
Most of these are somewhat embarrassing, I’m sure. Some of them are just plain strange. Categorically they must range somewhere between foundphotos and Myspace. I find all of them amusing.
from: admin@redpornotube.com
to: azurechameleon212@geocities.com
subject: Your Recent Posts at RedPornoTube
Dear AzureChameleon212:
First I would like to thank you for all of the time and effort you spend patronizing our website and free service, redpornotube.com. Like many of our users, you give back to this community driven website by uploading your own pornographic content, in addition to downloading the content of others.
I would like to note here, however, just for the record, that this trade of data is not very much like the analogy you used in your previous email to us – online videos are in no way like “the cum-stained porno mags of your father’s closet, pages stuck together like thighs.” Indeed I would posit that they are more like the slutty girl at your local highschool – passed around like some form of social currency.
I wish my computer would get it. That little music-note on a CD icon starts bouncing and I know what it wants.
“A new version of iTunes is available. We’ll have another one in 10 minutes. Do you want to update now?”
No. I hate updating. It interrupts important things that I do like looking at porn, refreshing the Forums index to see if anyone has said anything in the last 15 minutes, and re-reading old webcomics. If I actually updated everything exactly when everything wanted me to update it, I’d spend all my time updating and none of my time doing anything else, like eating, pooping, sleeping, and throwing goats at people at the carnival (it’s not funny ’till you picture it.)
I remember it like it was yesterday. Getting that Zip disk full of naughty pictures from my friend and keeping it longer than I said I would. Loading some of them onto floppy disks so that I could transfer them to my antique laptop. Looking at Grabass_Champion’s forbidden Playboy briefcase. Lamenting my 56k internet connection and begging him to download and burn me some high-speed porn. He became my porn-dealer. It was a humble beginning, but I still keep those CD’s lying around because of the fond memories attached to them.
Puerto Vallarta – The Mexican porn star Señor Burrito, born Alfonso Estavez de Ciudad Juarez y Calculadoras o Juan Manuel de Rosas, died Tuesday in a tragic cumshot accident while filming his next twenty-minute masterpiece, Salsa de Hombre. His co-star, Esteban Grandioso, has been charged with one count of accidental manslaughter and another count of failure to contain a load for his accidental high-velocity discharge of semen that made its way through Señor Burrito’s head, killing him instantly.
“I just couldn’t stop it!” Grandioso said, “One minute Burrito is giving me this incredible rimjob, he turns me around, licks my cock, and BAM! My best friend and co-star is dead on the spot. I didn’t even have time to finish him off before he died. I hope they have a special casket to fit Señor Burrito’s still-erect burrito.”
Señor Burrito may also be known from such films as Mis Pantalones Son Su Pantalones and Burritos Magnificos!
The internet is a hotbed of diversity, porn, and advertising… Well, okay, mostly just porn and advertising. But in that little corner of the internet that serves some purpose other than cash and horniness, one can find a page about nearly anything.
Want Spooge.com? You’ll have to buy it from this cute little girl!
However, naming them isn’t always so simple, mostly because entities (known informally as “fuckers”) have opted to “park” on all sorts of domains (a domain is like the “clunkline.com” in “www.clunkline.com”) and charge exorbitant prices for something that is otherwise quite inexpensive. As the internet develops, however, more and more domain names are purchased, and these “fuckers” as they’re called have to park on more and more obscure names in hopes that someone will still come along and buy them. Yup.
Have at you, sir! I have tracked you long and hard, like the mighty erection of a bulky pornstar. And like that pornstar, doctor_subtle, you are a worthy counterpart, a domineering figure with physical prowess… but not necessarily the foresight to step out of the way when a rival aims a shot at you.
It’s almost all I do, really, multi-installment series. It’s a good way to draw content out and make it last. Plus, I have waaay too much fodder for just one article.
So, for those of you not hip enough to know, As Seen in Skymall is a series devoted to making fun of all the useless products therein designed to suck as much cash from your wallet while producing as little as possible. It’s kind of like a psychic reader, except it’s in a magazine in the seat pocket in front of you when you fly.
