1. Robert Plant is gonna leave you, he said baby, you know he’s gonna leave you, he’ll leave you when the summer comes a-rollin’, leave you when the summer comes along. (Led Zeppelin – “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”)
2. Someone named Jamie is crying. (Van Halen – “Jamie’s Cryin’”)
3. Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone. (The Rolling Stones – “Ruby Tuesday”)
4. Roger Daltrey, whose heart is like a broken cup, really wants to know who you are. (The Who – “Who Are You”)
5. A kazoo solo makes for an amusing song. (Pink Floyd – “Corporal Clegg”)
I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy.
Leonid’s an inexperienced nuclear technician three months on the job, two if you don’t count all the clowning around he does! Number four is an RBMK-1000 reactor at the end of his fuel cycle…and at the end of his wits! Together, they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” Tonight’s Episode: Worst Case Scenario…ever!
We open on the control room as Leonid walks in
FOUR: Did you manage to get the lights back on in corridor thirteen?
LEO: Yeah, it took me a while to find a replacement for the breaker since they’re now colorless instead of bright red and they jam a little. I had trouble getting the new clear fuse in. (cue laugh track)
A different perspective on events eight years old.
Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century.
Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories.
No, I am not reviewing the Playstation RPG that people have been fawning over for years. Instead, I have obtained through my good friend J-tin a copy of the movie that takes place two years after the events in the game. I should preface this saying I knew about as much about Final Fantasy VII going into this as a blind man knows about the difference between red and blue. I’ve heard much about it, but have no real experience playing it. For that matter, the only Final Fantasy games I have played are a FFXII sequel and FFIII for the Nintendo DS. But I decided to see how this movie would hold against the standards of someone not enthralled by FFVII’s mystical aura. And quite frankly, it could have done better.
Thanks for buying another fine product from NDP&T Enterprises. This is by far the most complete and effective kit available without a prescription. Please take a few last moments to read the instructions thoroughly, or else you may hurt yourself.
First, check your box to make sure that all the components are included:
Having lived with my girlfriend-at-the-time for two and a half years, I came to take some of her possessions for granted. Then, one inappropriately bright and shining summer day, all of that stuff left my home and traveled to her new one, far away. Most of those possessions I was actually happier without, because most of it was stuff for which I had no use and for which we had no space to actually store. One among those things, though, was sorely missed after it was gone: The vacuum cleaner.
In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece.
Just now I was checking my email and listening to my iPod on shuffle, when a song I had not heard in several years came up: “The Village of Dwarves” by Italian metal band Rhapsody of Fire. A nostalgic smile spread over my face as the band’s lyrics about, well, a village of dwarves enfolded me with their mighty power, and I was reminded once again that Rhapsody is far and away the nerdiest band to ever walk the Earth.
The inclusion of “Through the Fire and Flames” by Dragonforce on Guitar Hero 3 was the first exposure many Americans had to European power metal. I remember watching friends laughing at that song’s silly lyrics about the “flames of death’s eternal reign” and “fighting hard, fighting on for the steel, through the wastelands evermore.” Well, Rhapsody manages to be orders of magnitude lamer than that. The key is that Rhapsody’s albums all tell a continuing narrative called the “Emerald Sword Saga,” the most laughably, idiotically juvenile fantasy saga ever told.
[Hook:]
Yo I’m the VIP in the D&D
So don’t nobody be role playa hatin’ on me
‘Cause I’m the VIP in the D&D
So don’t nobody be role playa hatin’ on me
[Verse 1:]
What! What!
I’m a real dungeon master
A f****n’ spell caster
Ain’t nobody can finish a campaign any faster
With my staff of power I’ll bring the devastation
Got the multi-sided dice of every denomination
And you better not ignore
My ability score
It gets better wit’ every dungeon I explore
So stand aside and don’t try nothin’ funny
Or else I’ll have to hit you wit’ my 3d20
Sarah Palin has been ignoring the McCain campaign’s orders and just kind of running her own (even sloppier) campaign. Apparently she values the advice of a View host over that of her campaign’s managers. What a maverick of the maverick.
Tanzmetall (the obvious emperor of Clunkline), Grabass Champion, and myself have written and often times still write music. I’m not really sure about the other two, but my composition writing has evolved out of clicking in a bunch of notes in Sibelius 2.0 and simply saving them as midis. Yes, I now have two really nice keyboards, which I use to play out most of the tracks in my songs, a friend who is quite eloquent on the guitar, and the means to get live recordings of just about any wind instrument I can think of within reason. Recently, I’ve written a new strain of songs for a would-be soundtrack to a graphic novel I am writing and hope to publish someday, and the thought occurred to me that one of Tanzmetall’s original compositions from back in the day would make a splendid theme for one of the villains (a continent-sized magma serpent that dwells under the Earth’s mantle). That song is called FLIGHT FROM EMSARIA, and though everything we write today is vastly superior in almost every way to what we used to write while we were in high school, nothing has ever struck a satisfying chord quite like this song has. At least that’s what I think. But what is it about FLIGHT FROM EMSARIA that is so… so… terrifying (in a good way)?
