Obama-Bush Meeting Ends with Two-Hour Risk Game

President-Elect Barack Obama and President George Bush had a meeting last Thursday to discuss national security matters. However, the meeting quickly got sidetracked when Obama noticed Bush’s Collector’s Edition Risk set.

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Obama Nominates Starcraft General to be S.o.D.

The zerglings look angrier than usual.

President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.”

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Student-Taught Courses that Didn’t Make it Past the Drawing Board

Understanding Furries
History of Procrastination
How to Grow a Beard
Breaking and Entering for Beginners

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Point/Counterpoint: The Election

Point:

Man, this election is the BEST thing to happen to our country since FDR. I just can’t believe it! I worked so hard to MAKE THIS HAPPEN. I’m so HAPPY that America is finally overcoming prejudice to elect a VISIONARY leader to the White House. I really do think that President Obama will RESURRECT our most important American core values. This is the first step towards a BETTER future. This is totally a sign of A BRIGHT NEW DAY for our country and our world. Thanks to Obama’s victory, now I DON’T have to move to Canada after all. To all of you out there, I say: YES WE CAN.

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George Bush Reveals Punchline

In a speech congratulating Obama for his victory, Bush made a surprising revelation. “And as the current President of this country, I look forward to passing the torch on to Mr. Obama. …NOT!” He smiled sheepishly. “I’m not even President! Al Gore is. You guys really didn’t figure that out after eight years? What a bunch of rubes.”

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Is America’s case of Election Blue Balls finally going to clear up on Nov. 4th?

With the Presidential election a mere 2 days away, America has been standing at rapt attention, following the election closely for so long that November 4th is going to be like the long-delayed orgasm the nation has been waiting for since the election process started.

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Election Day

A compiled list of various write-in candidates from the 2006 CMU student senate elections. It amuses me, who knows, maybe you’ll come away feeling good about the world too.


Student Body President:
BERTOLT BRECHT 1 0.08%
NO MORE EMO BANDS AT CARNIVAL 1 0.08%

Student Body VP of finance:
EMPEROR OF CMU STUDENT BODY 1 0.10%
BOTH CANDIDATES WRITE LIKE HIGH SCHOOLERS 1 0.10%
OPTIMUS PRINE 1 0.10%

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New National Poll: Hunter 52, Dodd 43

Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT)
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA)

With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.

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Second Black President Endorses First

On Sunday, Colin Powell, fated to be the second black President, endorsed Barack Obama, ensuring he will become the first. “McCain has been kind of a dick lately,” said Powell in his announcement. “If he didn’t pal around with Steve Schmidt, we’d be having a different conversation today. I was kind of hoping to be the first myself, but… but Sarah Palin? Really?”

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BREAKING: BUSH STILL PRESIDENT, APPARENTLY

WASHINGTON

The nation was shocked today to find George W. Bush of Texas is still the chief executive of the United States.

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Debate and Switch

Pool reporters were stunned Thursday when Mitt Romney greeted them on the campaign plane with his trademark grin—instead of Sarah Palin, whom the reporters were fairly sure had been the Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. Romney, attempting a Bluff check, smiled away most doubts that he had always been McCain’s VP.

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Osama bin Laden's Existence Disproven!

In a shocking press release yesterday, philosophers Harold Baker and Dwight Solen gave absolute proof that the supposed leader of the Taliban, Osama bin Laden, is nothing more than an iconic figment of the imagination.

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[Script/Director Proposal]: <i>Troopergate</i>

The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot.


Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.

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And I'd Just Like to Give a Shoutout to...

Shoutouts. They’re a way of letting people know you’re thinking of them enough to let other people know you’re thinking of them. And all too often, they are misused. There is an increasingly alarming growth of people ignorant to when the shoutout is appropriate. To remedy this epidemic, I have compiled a list of when a shoutout is appropriate, and when it is not. Please note it with due consideration.

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McCain’s Upcoming Desperate Game-Changers

We spoke to Campaign Manager Steve Schmidt on condition of anonymity. Here are the strategies he says McCain is going to try in the next month.

1. When the economy does anything, point the other direction and yell, “Look over there!”

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