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(This is the third installation of Old Games That Amuse Burpen.)
It’s amazing how many pieces of crap were made based on (and in worship of) Michael Crichton’s novel Jurassic Park. These pieces of crap included a Spielberg movie. That said, perhaps the majority of the crap was actually based on the movie… Anyhow, a Sega Genesis game was one piece of crap to result from this. And man, was it amusing crap. No, I am not reviewing the Playstation RPG that people have been fawning over for years. Instead, I have obtained through my good friend J-tin a copy of the movie that takes place two years after the events in the game. I should preface this saying I knew about as much about Final Fantasy VII going into this as a blind man knows about the difference between red and blue. I’ve heard much about it, but have no real experience playing it. For that matter, the only Final Fantasy games I have played are a FFXII sequel and FFIII for the Nintendo DS. But I decided to see how this movie would hold against the standards of someone not enthralled by FFVII’s mystical aura. And quite frankly, it could have done better.
June 3, 3049 B.C. Today I tried making a ziggurat out of beef. The number of cows required for this undertaking cost an arm and a leg, which I supplied happily from my eldest daughter. Anu was pleased with my sacrifice, and the rains came, and the rains caused the cow-keeper to go inside, allowing me to steal his cows. Out of these, I built the ziggurat I mentioned before. It was stinky and did not stand well, and had more maggots than I am used to seeing in a house of the Gods. I wailed at the altar of Ki for several hours to make up for whatever failure it was that she was angry about. However, since the altar I wailed at was the one I had just built, the efficacy of my prayers is somewhat in doubt. The cowherd was annoyed as well, mostly because I left a rotting ziggurat in his field.
In late 2006, a money grubbing O.J. Simpson published a book entitled If I Did It, a totally hypothetical discussion of how O.J. would have killed his wife and Ronald Goldman. This book caused a firestorm of bad press and was tragically recalled before it reached stores. In O.J.’s memory, I wrote a tribute to him entitled If I Did It, a discussion of how I would have killed those two people. This book was also killed before reaching the shelves, but that might have had more to do with my poor penmanship and general aversion to personal hygiene. But seeing as O.J. is about to go to prison for the next ten years, I though it an appropriate time to pimp my forgotten masterpiece.
President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.” Hey, Pittsburgh urban explorers and tourists! Make sure to check out these spots that smell like poo. Location: Fifth Ave. and Amberson Note: The unforgettable part 1 was found here. The ballad of Anus McKringle The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot. Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. While President Bush’s second term in office may be drawing to a close, many upstanding or reclining citizens are still waiting for him to deliver on what some are calling his unrealistically rosy campaign promises. “He promised me a pony!” said Lindsay Magritte tearfully, a 27-year-old investment banker from Tennessee. |
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