Hey, everyone! Welcome to my Sub-Saharan Africa theme party!

No, there’s no food.

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Hawaii's Natural Beauty

Hawaii has a surprisingly gritty underside. No place on Earth is free of stupidity… they just all have different stupidities, and some are more stupid than others. Maybe I wouldn’t have seen so much of this if I had the money to be a real tourist, but I scraped the bottom of the barrel, and here are the splinters I got.

Click for bigger pictures.

In the Hilo Wal-Mart parking lot, I saw this Alaskan pickup. (Yep, we went to Wal-Mart on vacation.)

In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here?

This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.

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Avatar: Been There, Dune That

So the story follows (Jake Sully / Paul Atreides) on this weird planet of (Pandora / Arrakis). Shit hits the fan with the death of his (brother / father) and he takes up refuge with the indigenous people, the (Na’vi / Fremen) who are wise in the ways of nature on this alien world and speak in a strange language that sounds oddly (Polynesian / Arabic).

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This here is a compilation of wrongness involving much irony, too-much-of-a-good-thing scenarios, turns of phrase, and things like that. To start: Water is fundamental factor of life… It’s also a fundamental factor of drownings.

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Titles of Works Which Can Be Interpreted As References To Poop, Pooping, Or Farting


Shit I Found on my Phone

I think of my phone like I think of my toilet. Once every three years, I peer into its darkest, most mold-encrusted corners and briefly contemplate cleaning it. I scrape off two layers of caked shit-dust and gag. Then I give up.

Also, I rub my face against it, but that is a story for another day.

This is the retirement home across the street getting their weekly shipment of old people. The expired ones are then shipped out in big wooden boxes. DeadEx does some good business in this market sector.

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Fanatic Mail

July 12, 1919

Dear Mr. Chaplin,

I just wanted to write to say how much of a fan I am of your work! Even here in Munich, whenever a poor paper-hanger like myself can scrap a few hundred thousand marks together, I can think of no better way to spend an afternoon than to watch you “tramp” about! A good joke, yes? I think I have a future as a writer, but am focusing on painting at the moment. I feel I just need a decisive look to define myself, and so I was writing to ask if I could use your trademark mustache to help with my own image?

Thanks again!
Adolph H.

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I think I’ll scrape letters off my Saturn until they spell “A TURN” and then spend all my time turning. This, I have deemed, would be equally (not very) funny.

The Top Ten Foods I Hate

10. Red delicious apples. They don’t actually taste that bad but they’re called red delicious apples. The taste I can forgive, the arrogance I cannot.

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Ladies and gentlemen, today’s economic crisis has only one solution: more Vikings! (Not the Minnesotan kind… we need many less of them.)

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Analyzing the Ronnicles - Part 7

The Ronnicles: Exercises in Literacy from one of America’s Finest Convenience Store Managers

The Logic of Ronnie

I’ve already pointed out a few examples of situations in which Ronnie makes very bizarre logical errors, but there are plenty more available. They follow.

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War Declared with North America

A different perspective on events eight years old.

Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century.

Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories.

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From the Text Message In/Outbox of Brian Jacques

hey brian what r u doin for dinner tonight

Well, my good fellow, I have prepared a delectable meal of honeyed buttermilk scones, complemented with a fruit salad of pears, strawberries, and blueberries, covered with a fine whipped cream.

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War Erupts in Middle East

World Very Surprised

“To say the least, the increased, two-way aggression in the Gaza Strip has shocked us. Who would have thought that a state founded on ethnicity and divine mandate would come into conflict with a displaced people of a different ethnicity and different divine mandate?” asked U.S. State Department spokesman Bill Reed in a press conference.

He then spent several minutes playing cheerily with his pencil. “You guys ever notice how, when you drop something, it falls?” he asked us with childlike curiosity, watching his pencil clatter to the floor. “How remarkable. I wonder if anyone’s thought of a succinct way of describing that. Maybe something like, ‘obvious cause and effect’.”

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Amusing Exchange

Between a friend and me in my car:

“If you rape a hooker, is that theft of services?”
“Yeah, but if you kill her afterwards it’s just a ‘Going out of Business’ sale.”