But hey, it’s niiice and warm here! Check out the live animals! No! Carlos! Not so close! Oooh… too bad there’s no modern hospital system to help you out there with that leg… At least you didn’t lose it to a warlord!

Okay, everyone, let’s gather round and make some textiles! Someone drag Carlos over here… he just looks so pathetic hopping like that. Want a drink, Carlos? It may or may not be rocket fuel, but it’ll probably cure what ails you either way!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention… 80% of you here have aids! And no, they don’t sing about it here… but the really fun part is that 75% of that 80% has no idea they’re infected! So be caaaareful who you hook up with tonight, everyone.

So, I hope you all have a good time. Just be reminded: any “party-foul” will be dealt with by my army of meth-addicted child soldiers. Have fun!

Click for bigger pictures.

In my entire time on the big island, I’ve not seen a single other non-Hawaii plate. There aren’t any roads from Juneau to the continental US, let alone the incontinental US! Even my sister’s car, shipped here from my parents, has a new Hawaii plate. What is this doing here? This is what a lynx spider looks like right before it attacks and destroys farkle-farkle’s camera.

Apparently they didn’t sell enough of these before 2001. At this point, they probably never will. I really want to see the “of Hawaii” belonging to Cowboy! After I finished this, I did in fact pound my hands on the table and yell, “I HOG POG.” Brad was not amused. The only company name dumber than this one is Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac. Hilo’s Borders sells only the finest!

After seeing the price tag, it makes sense why Uwe Boll can afford Jason Statham. SCHINDLER’S LIFT Hoping to see fragments of the USS Arizona for sale, I patronized the Hilo Army Surplus. I was disappointed. Instead of char-broiled sailor’s hats and unexploded Japanese munitions, I saw a series of horrifying mannequins. This one is probably the worst. I cannot decipher what emotion her Cheshire Cat grin is supposed to belie. I only know that it stimulates my fight-or-flight instinct. These kids, and something about the haphazard way the helmets and wigs are thrown on the heads, disturbs me deeply. I am troubled by the way their sightless eyes stare unseeing into my soul, and do not know why two soldiers so young would be marching to war in American fatigues. It does not bode well for the next generation if they are to be drafted at so young an age to fight against all the evil in the world (such as the woman seen above).

Also, it’s impossible to tell from my shitty cellphone camera, but the one kid only has one finger remaining on his left hand. A ringing testamonial for our soldiers’ present situation in Iraq! COMPELLING DETAIL The stuff of FooTay’s nightmares.

This vacation happened a year and a half ago but Tanzmetall was simply too lazy to scan the I Hog Pog picture until just now. So there.

(Jake / Paul) is seen as an outsider until he mates with a local girl and passes the right of manhood. Eager for vengeance against (the corporation / House Harkonen) for their brutal rape of the world for the precious (unobtanium / spice), a clear analogy for (oil / oil), (Jake / Paul) sets out to unite the tribes together for a final assault by mastering how to ride a (weird bird bat thing / weird worm thing). Despite all odds, the technologically inferior primitives defeat the technological might of their foes, liberating the world and ending happily.

Visually, the movie is stunning with (millions/thousands) spent on state-of-the-art effects. Highlights of the film include a (forgettable / amazing) soundtrack by (the guy who did the “Titanic” soundtrack / mother fucking Sting), cameos by (the sort of hot chick from “Aliens” / the bald captain from Star Trek), and the use of kick-ass looking (VTOL’s / ornithopters) for all transit needs.

(Avatar / Dune) is in theaters (now / 25 years ago)

Carrots are good for your vision… unless a few are stabbed in your eyes.

Vick’s Vapor Rub clears your air passages… unless it’s in your air passages.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away… unless the doctor conspires to poison your apples in a plot to make you dependent on his services so that he can milk your checkbook, in which case you’re likely to see the bastard for a good while.

It’s best to put your money where your mouth is… That way, when you accidentally choke on it, I can inherit your fortune.

Ignorance is bliss… Ignorance is also the reason people wander into traffic or take showers during electrical storms.

A little bit of sun never hurt anyone… yet.

The rhino virus is nothing more than the common cold… unless someone actually bothers to infect you with a stampede of rhinos. Then it becomes a lot more than the common cold.

Knowing is half the battle… unless what you know is that your gruesome defeat is inevitable. Then it’s just disheartening.

A healthy lifestyle includes eating three square meals a day… until the corners rupture the lining of your stomach.

Reach for the stars… if your dream is to vaporize instantly.

It’s good to stop and smell the roses… unless the roses belong to old Mrs. Winkler, and she unchains her rottweiler.

You have the right to bear arms… but the bear will likely maul you to death before you manage to remove them.

If at first you don’t succeed… then the only way to keep a perfect track record is to continue failing.

The night is always darkest before the dawn… Never tell that to a miner stranded in a cave in.

This land is my land. This land is your land… Time for a land war.

Milk helps build strong bones… but you can’t depend on it to make strong skyscrapers, I’ve learned.

Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn… but if there are women in Hell, then, yes, it does.

Giving is better than receiving… especially if it’s a sickness.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You often find it snuffed out and stale in a plastic bag, forgotten by the previous homeowner in the back of a closet.

4 out of 5 experts agree that volcanoes are lethal. The fifth expert was killed in a pyroclastic flow.