Clunkline's Annual Financial Report

Annual Report of the Finances of, INC.

Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.

Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.

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Spring Break is over, but the SUPER PRIVATE times continue down on Gulf beaches as the Almost Naked Volleyball Championships get underway. And sometimes the co-ed teams wear SANDALS!!

“SANDALS are something that everyone can wear, male or female, no matter how much other clothing they are wearing at the time,” said New School ECE major Estan Huaraches.

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Jesus Saves Chrismas

The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.

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Magma To Engulf Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour.

“We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!”

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Post-rock Band is Post-good

Neo-post-post-rock group To Hëll With The Dåmned! Said The Sætting Sün Over The Bättlefield Stårk! released its new eleven-disc album Monday to universal disapproval. Not one positive review has come from anyone anywhere, no matter how many drugs they were on at the time.

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Opinion: You Should’ve Stopped Those Squirrels From Almost Destroying Human Civilization

You thought it was the stuff of fiction. You said it couldn’t happen here. You were wrong; dead wrong. Too bad you’re the President of the United States.

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U.S. Gives North America back to Native Americans

Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples.

“What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!”

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Large Hadron Collider Destroys World

“Yup, it’s gone now,” said former investment banker Leah Jones on Thursday. “They up and collided those hadrons, and now we’re all dead. I kept telling them this would happen, and did they listen? Evidently not.”

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How to Use Clunkline: The New Version

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Living with Peter, the Awful Korean Part Three: Open Season

I returned Peter’s stash to its rightful (though dare I say unlawful!) place, and soon enough Peter returned in a similarly criminal manner. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that awful gleam of knowing. Like any good spy, I had returned his rifled-through things to their original places, carefully restacking the most casual of stacks, etc, and though any layman would have been none the wiser, something in those flat eyes knew that I knew that he was a fiend, both horticulturally and demonologically.

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Obama Pushes Magic Reset Button

Immediately after his inauguration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama pushed the Magic Economic Reset Button located in the Oval Office. The Magic Reset Button immediately fixed various complex problems without any short-term sacrifices or any need for patience.

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Where Are They Now: The Cup from 2Girls1Cup

Although the Cup burst into A-list stardom with one spectacular feature, many casual moviegoers are unfamiliar with the Cup’s other theatrical work.

The Cup’s debut was humble: as a stool sample cup on House, MD. After that non-speaking role, it moved on to become a production assistant on Battlestar Galactica, where it carried coffee to Edward James Olmos.

After its lucky break, it scored a handful of high-profile roles, including another big role in the blockbuster sequel, 2Cup2Furious: Porcelain Drift.

However, outside of the poop-cup franchise, the Cup has been largely unable to land starring roles in major features. It attempted to get another coffee-carrying job in The Wrestler, but, for some reason, nobody wanted to drink out of it.

Article was originally created by Tanzmetall and published by readme.

Loser Student a Reject at School for Losers

When it comes to losers, size matters.

Chicago is busy constructing a school for the victims of bullying. That’s great—they should build more schools like this, for my amusement. Because you see, in every social circle imaginable, someone will be picked on. I have fun imagining the guy who’s a big enough loser to get picked on at THIS school.

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List of Rejected Lists

List of list of rejected lists

1. List of Cheap and Useful College Textbooks

2. List of Surprisingly-Cordial Sex Offenders

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Obama-Bush Meeting Ends with Two-Hour Risk Game

President-Elect Barack Obama and President George Bush had a meeting last Thursday to discuss national security matters. However, the meeting quickly got sidetracked when Obama noticed Bush’s Collector’s Edition Risk set.

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