Annual Report of the Finances of Clunkline.com, INC.
Composed by: Norman D. Apple, Quarterly Employee of G&T Wedge Accountants.
Over the last few days and months, I have been meticulously collecting, collating, collaborating, collaring, and colonizing data about Clunkline’s detailed financials. Also, I got a colonoscopy. This post will inform us all of Clunkline’s financial status and should be a great help to strategic management objectives as well as objectifying strategic management.
The holidays are a time when there’s a little magic in the air, but this year things will be a little different. Just when it looked like Christmas wouldn’t come this year, the Son of Man stood up and said, “That ain’t right.” In short, Jesus saved Christmas.
Pittsburgh loves hair and falsetto as much as the next city does, and your faithful Clunkline reporters let you in on the rumor that we’d soon be seeing an appearance by a lesser-known member of the old guard of rock’n’roll. Now, details are falling into place. An anonymous source reported Saturday that long-lived hard rock supergroup Magma will be playing New Year’s Eve at the Post-Gazette Pavilion. This will mark the thirty-eighth scheduled performance in Magma’s latest comeback tour.
“We blasted out of the 70s,” said lead singer and triple-necked-guitarist Blaze Runway. “Musical pyrotechnics, exploding onto the scene. We cooled off a bit through the 80s, then in the 90s we went back underground, through subduction. Now we’re back in the magma chamber below the vent, if you know what I mean, and I really think we’re just about ready to erupt once more. After all, FROM WHERE DOTH ROCK COME IF NOT FROM MAGMA?!”
Neo-post-post-rock group To Hëll With The Dåmned! Said The Sætting Sün Over The Bättlefield Stårk! released its new eleven-disc album Monday to universal disapproval. Not one positive review has come from anyone anywhere, no matter how many drugs they were on at the time.
Spurred on by the flowering of religious tolerance in Europe, the United States finally packed its bags and transferred back to Europe on Thursday, giving all of North America back to the Native American peoples.
“What the hell?” said University of Pittsburgh student Libia Montague, as did every other nonwhite person in North America. “Where did all the European settlers go? For the first time in my life I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, where The Man had previously been holding me down. I feel so… unrepressed!”
“Yup, it’s gone now,” said former investment banker Leah Jones on Thursday. “They up and collided those hadrons, and now we’re all dead. I kept telling them this would happen, and did they listen? Evidently not.”
I returned Peter’s stash to its rightful (though dare I say unlawful!) place, and soon enough Peter returned in a similarly criminal manner. I could see in his bloodshot eyes that awful gleam of knowing. Like any good spy, I had returned his rifled-through things to their original places, carefully restacking the most casual of stacks, etc, and though any layman would have been none the wiser, something in those flat eyes knew that I knew that he was a fiend, both horticulturally and demonologically.
Immediately after his inauguration on Tuesday, President Barack Obama pushed the Magic Economic Reset Button located in the Oval Office. The Magic Reset Button immediately fixed various complex problems without any short-term sacrifices or any need for patience.
Although the Cup burst into A-list stardom with one spectacular feature, many casual moviegoers are unfamiliar with the Cup’s other theatrical work.
The Cup’s debut was humble: as a stool sample cup on House, MD. After that non-speaking role, it moved on to become a production assistant on Battlestar Galactica, where it carried coffee to Edward James Olmos.
After its lucky break, it scored a handful of high-profile roles, including another big role in the blockbuster sequel, 2Cup2Furious: Porcelain Drift.
However, outside of the poop-cup franchise, the Cup has been largely unable to land starring roles in major features. It attempted to get another coffee-carrying job in The Wrestler, but, for some reason, nobody wanted to drink out of it.
Article was originally created by Tanzmetall and published by readme.
Chicago is busy constructing a school for the victims of bullying. That’s great—they should build more schools like this, for my amusement. Because you see, in every social circle imaginable, someone will be picked on. I have fun imagining the guy who’s a big enough loser to get picked on at THIS school.
President-Elect Barack Obama and President George Bush had a meeting last Thursday to discuss national security matters. However, the meeting quickly got sidetracked when Obama noticed Bush’s Collector’s Edition Risk set.