There, I said it. It’s out there, go ahead and mock my basement-dwelling, Mountain Dew-chugging, cheese puff-eating tushie. I play D&D. And y’know what? I enjoy it. It’s freakin’ fun.
There’s something missing from the D&D experience though. At times, the adventure can seem a bit too disconnected from the reality we live in (fancy that). Noting this, I took it upon myself to add a new class to the ranks of Barbarian, Wizard, Ranger, and the like, a hero for a more refined age.
Ladies, Gentlemen, and otherwise… I present the Democrat character class for D&D 3.5!
From the Desk of the First Church of Lego (Reformed)
Good morning, my fellow minifigures.
I have received many troubling confessions as of late. It seems many members of our community are harboring dangerous thoughts as to the nature of the Creator. Questions are being asked that can only lead to treason against the almighty Builder and His books of divine instruction. I have taken it upon myself to dispel these concerns once and for all so that all of us fellow bricks can once more unite in the name of Lego.
The narrow victory of “Yes” on Election Day appears to be due, in part, to interference from Reform Party’s “Maybe”, which received 4% of the popular vote. According to exit polling data, 2/3 of Maybe voters had No as a second choice. Had Maybe not been on the ballot, it is highly probable that No would have won.
With the election just a week away, Chris Dodd, who has always been his party’s nominee, is down by 9 points in the polls. His rival, Duncan Hunter, who you may remember from when he won his party’s nomination over John McCain, has even surpassed the 50 point mark.
The following is a formal director’s proposal I made to the theater group to which I belong. Important backstory: A Few Good Men, by Aaron Sorkin, was also proposed for this slot.
Troopergate is a contemporary legal drama by Stephen Branchflower. Based on true events in his own life, it chronicles Branchflower’s attempts to dig to the bottom of a mess of personal vendettas and political conspiracies surrounding the firing of an Alaska State department head by the Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin.
The media has a tendency of repeating the same phrases for something: Obama “clinched” the nomination, Palin “energized” her base. But the candidates themselves are even worse, repeating and repeating some words until they lose whatever meaning they ever had. Sometimes it gets so bad that you just want to throw tomatoes at the candidates and tell them to go nurse their retarded babies. Or maybe that is just me.
“There is to be no more criticism of Palin’s record in the press,” said the McCain campaign in a strongly-worded press release. “Her record has nothing to do with her reputation as a reformer, and true attacks based on policy have no place in our politics. This nonsense is going to stop. Now.”
Sam “Who?” Nunn is a man of mystery. Who is he? How many ice ages has he survived? I have no fucking clue. Apparently he has national security creds or something but they must be from the dawn of history, and no cuneiform tablets survived to tell us what exactly it was that he did.
John “Jennings Bryan” Edwards is a populist who keeps running, and yet keeps standing in place. Edwards has been known at times to vent his anger and rage by getting his hair cut in a dashing new style. He never quite ascends to the Presidency, forever doomed to be the best-looking also-ran except for the man pictured to his left.
Proceeding with this action will wipe out all life in the Eastern hemisphere. It is not recommended. Please reconsider before completing process NUKE IRAN.
Name one person who represents both the head of state of a European nation and the religious leadership of the oldest extant version of western Christianity…
