No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers.
Let’s face it; people are getting lazier all the time. Everyone knows it, especially your grandpa who used to walk to school in the snow every day and blah blah blah derpy derpy doo and so forth. And in no aspect of our lives is this more apparent than in the way we get our food. Observe:
Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.
Sam “Who?” Nunn is a man of mystery. Who is he? How many ice ages has he survived? I have no fucking clue. Apparently he has national security creds or something but they must be from the dawn of history, and no cuneiform tablets survived to tell us what exactly it was that he did.
John “Jennings Bryan” Edwards is a populist who keeps running, and yet keeps standing in place. Edwards has been known at times to vent his anger and rage by getting his hair cut in a dashing new style. He never quite ascends to the Presidency, forever doomed to be the best-looking also-ran except for the man pictured to his left.
I don’t know if this man is improvising, but he sure looks stupid. And that is my point. Stupid.
That jazzy stuff they play in restaurants and on the radio that’s supposed to calm you down with how “classy” it is? Where everything is so improvised that it’s just random notes that go on and on until the soloist forgets to keep on playing? God dammit I hate that shit. And that hurts because I love good jazz (and play three instruments myself). But improvisation should never be done just to show off how technically-skilled a musician is. Music needs to be played for the listener, not the musician.
I don’t care how good you are at playing crap. Stop doing it.
North Korea’s attempt to create a totally glorious national symbol resulted instead in the creation of a totally appropriate national symbol.
“White Elephant” is a term used to describe an expensive waste of money that is kept around anyway because it is symbolic or pretty, like a decaying aircraft carrier, an expensive statue, or a trophy wife. Fortunately for rich men, trophy wives rarely look like white elephants. Unfortunately for North Korea, they’re not rich: North Korea’s white elephant looks like a peanut found in one of Big Brother’s most ominous turds.
The Ryugyong Hotel is the most expensive stupid thing I’ve ever heard of, after Paris Hilton, who is similarly renowned for being something you could sleep in but wouldn’t want to.
“Hey, they seated us next to a light switch.”
“Oh, that’s not a light switch.”
“You’ve been here before?”
“No, but I’ve heard about these. It’s like a test. If you decide to flip the switch, the table lowers you into a pit of alligators.”
“You mean they kill you?”
“No, they’re peaceful alligators. And they’re not hungry. But then a chef wielding a katana comes at you–”
“Wait. Then what are the alligators for?”
“It’s just to add atmosphere.”
“Oh, I see.”
“I was just driving along one day, and I saw this sign on the side of the road shaped like a stop sign, and it said ‘Bacon.’ I didn’t know what to do!”
This perplexed reaction is common to the drivers of the little town of Pheba, Mississippi. The Clay County Board of Transportation has enacted a new road-safety code that uses various signs with more specific instructions than “STOP,” “SLIPPERY WHEN WET,” and “DEER XING.”