No joke, there really are Ethiopian restaurants. It’s just like going to a Catholic brothel or a North Korean car dealership. You may be asking, “What, do you go there, sit down, and starve while the world ignores you?” But the advertising for these restaurants says they are completely normal, and deny that the food will be brought in by aid workers.
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Let’s face it; people are getting lazier all the time. Everyone knows it, especially your grandpa who used to walk to school in the snow every day and blah blah blah derpy derpy doo and so forth. And in no aspect of our lives is this more apparent than in the way we get our food. Observe:
Previously on Battlestar Galactica, Chad failed to notice when the Forums he advertised on spawned their most popular thread making fun of him. Eventually, I grew tired of the novelty of being paid to mock my advertisers, so I went all out, posting a massive omnibus article that was half-rant, part-Photoshop desecration, part declaration of hostilities, and all anger. He still didn’t notice.
That jazzy stuff they play in restaurants and on the radio that’s supposed to calm you down with how “classy” it is? Where everything is so improvised that it’s just random notes that go on and on until the soloist forgets to keep on playing? God dammit I hate that shit. And that hurts because I love good jazz (and play three instruments myself). But improvisation should never be done just to show off how technically-skilled a musician is. Music needs to be played for the listener, not the musician. I don’t care how good you are at playing crap. Stop doing it.
“White Elephant” is a term used to describe an expensive waste of money that is kept around anyway because it is symbolic or pretty, like a decaying aircraft carrier, an expensive statue, or a trophy wife. Fortunately for rich men, trophy wives rarely look like white elephants. Unfortunately for North Korea, they’re not rich: North Korea’s white elephant looks like a peanut found in one of Big Brother’s most ominous turds. The Ryugyong Hotel is the most expensive stupid thing I’ve ever heard of, after Paris Hilton, who is similarly renowned for being something you could sleep in but wouldn’t want to. There should be a restaurant called “Offal, Waffles, and Falafels.” Of course, you’d have to put it in a place with lots of educated people, or they’d just think it was “Awful waffles and falafels”. “Hey, they seated us next to a light switch.”
“I was just driving along one day, and I saw this sign on the side of the road shaped like a stop sign, and it said ‘Bacon.’ I didn’t know what to do!” This perplexed reaction is common to the drivers of the little town of Pheba, Mississippi. The Clay County Board of Transportation has enacted a new road-safety code that uses various signs with more specific instructions than “STOP,” “SLIPPERY WHEN WET,” and “DEER XING.” |
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