I Hereby Announce my Candidacy for President of These United States

For too long, we have suffered under various regimes whose priorities are utterly out of touch with the lives of normal Americans. It’s time to change that. Like you, I have a much more down-to-earth, everyman’s attitude when it comes to legislation. Here are the issues that are closest to my heart.

Toilet Law

I will support legislation making it your roommate’s job to plunge the toilet. I will veto your roommate’s insistence that it is your turn.

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A Sketch Of An Old Roommate


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An Open Letter to the Porn Star Lady

While I do appreciate the depth in which you feel things, specifically objects, more specifically plastic phallic objects, I do not understand why you feel the need to lick them in such a manner. While I am perfectly accepting of exploring oneself, I do not see the purpose in tasting oneself. If you happen to be in a lesbian experiment, and you wish to explore the flavors of your new friend, perhaps she would find it more reasonable to go straight to the source.

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Ten Reasons a Mattress on the Floor is Better than a Bed

I have a bed. It’s sitting in the back of the somewhat derelict van that is parked in front of my house. I have actively chosen not to put it together since the end of July, because I, through my own sloth, accidentally discovered the greatest sleep-apparatus short of a hammock. Mattress on the floor is divine for the following reasons.

1: Endless nightstand. Do you really want to fuck around with a two-by-one-and-a-half-foot space for your alarm clock, cellphone, and everything else you’re way too lazy to put where it belongs? Stop, then! Your nightstand just became the floor within arm’s reach of your mattress. You have been liberated.

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Ironic Chef

“All right, we just had a wonderful meal courtesy of our challenger. Now it’s time to see if our own Iron Chef College can top him. Chef Kiwi, are you prepared to present your meal?”

“Yes, for the first course I’ve prepared oriental flavored Ramen with a side of steamed broccoli.”

“Oriental flavored?”

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Adventures in Domestic Chores

So, my roommate and I have an unusually large amount of plates for two guys in college thanks to bundled packages from Target. As a result, doing the dishes is never a pressing concern since if we run out of plates, there are always bowls. Run out of those, there are always mugs and teacups.

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My Roommate: The Review

So I’ve been sharing my room with this guy for a few months. Wanna know how that went? Dope as shit, man, dope as shit. Seriously, this guy is balls awesome, I’d definitely take his cock in my mouth in some mad respect fellatio. Seriously, if he was a chick, I’d superman that ho. Here’s why he’s the shit.

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My Roommate: A Review

So for the last couple of months, I’ve had to share my room with another human being. Now, you may be wondering how that was. I’ll give you a hint: if it were great it would not be funny.

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Living with Peter, the Awful Korean. Part One: It Begins

Roommate stories, roommate stories, I’m gonna bust out some roommate stories!

Indeed, today is the day I will tell the story of Peter, the Awful Korean.

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Grabass_Champion's Engrish Adventures - Part 2

So… I have returned from behind the Great Firewall, a bit shorter and a bit more slanty-eyed, and with the distinct inability to pronounce words like “bus” and “campus” without inserting a mysterious “r” sound after the “u”. In China I learned many things, from how to properly use a car horn while driving (as a signal that there is something within 50 feet of the front of the car), to how to avoid getting hit by a child happily cannoning streams of urine into the street. Two months of endless diarrhea at the hands of Wuhan food, all of which contains loads of chili peppers, coupled with the inevitable circumstance that non-potable tap water would somehow end up in my stomach, have turned my rectum into the strongest muscle in my body, and lost me about 15 pounds. A week in Beijing renewed my appreciation for being able to see more than half a mile in any direction. Two months in Wuhan, where heat indexes routinely cleared 120 degrees Fahrenheit, renewed my appreciation for more temperate climes. Okay, that last bit’s not true at all, Pittsburgh weather is still comparable to diving into an olympic-sized pool full of mayonnaise-filled water balloons. I think the point of all this is, the Chinese are awful at English.

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a post i will regret

the surgeon general has moved out and eightfold way has yet to move in

this means


i can jerk off with the door open.


My otherwise perfect physical appearance is marred by a horrible deformity, so grotesque that I am shunned by members of polite society. Yes, I speak of my third nipple.

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The Book of Mormon

Today my roommate told me he had a Christmas present for me: the Book of Mormon. Imagine my very chaste surprise.

Turns out a bunch of Mormon girls were handing them out on the street and he just couldn’t tell them no. (You know how it is with Mormon girls.)

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Dougie Howser, P.o.S.

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t save your husband.

Few television shows directly cause domestic abuse. It is rare to find one that actually forces anyone to clock the nearest person in a fit of pure rage. But there is some evidence that television does cause violence.

In the course of researching this article, my roommate was hospitalized for more wounds than I can count. He was suffering from a fractured collarbone, a split pelvis, a dislocated bladder, and an extra spinal cord. (For the life of me I can’t remember where I got that extra spinal cord.) And then he made the mistake to have Dougie Howser on when I came to visit his ward. God rest his soul… but I believe my point was, Dougie Howser makes you want to kill.

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Man Refuses to Plunge Toilet

According to well-placed sources, Phil Higgins of Omaha, Nebraska, would rather live with a perpetually-clogged toilet than deal with the problem. And when he is forced to deal with it, instead of plunging it, he just flushes, waits five minutes for the water to drain, and flushes again, repeating ad nauseum until it either fixes itself or his roommate fixes it for him.

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