LUXURIOUS REASONABLY WELL-FURNISHED CLUNKLINER
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Okay, flags of the world, listen up. A nation’s flag is supposed to be its unique identifying symbol, a collection of colors and insignia that define its people, what they stand for, and what they hope for. It is the banner that will brand their greatest accomplishments, it will be hoisted above their competitors on the world stage, and is the oriflamme they rally behind in times of war. Yet so many of y’all are pedestrian, similar, and uninspired. You fly behind the god damned presidents of the world, ya gotta shape up. The defense of Berlin sent most elements of the German Army into a frenzied, last ditch defense of small arms, artillery, and panzershreks. What follows is the account of less well known measures taken to defend the shrinking Reich, as documented by one Nordmann Apfel, a corporal attached to the 3rd Home Defense Battalion.
This image of a cheery but bizarrely-clothed Russian tourist appeared in Burpen’s Samba article a few months back. Although not as repulsive as the infamous awkward.jpg, the only thing stopping us from photoshopping him into strange situations months ago was our lack of time. But now, with finals looming for the students among us, excuses not to work are treasured. And so I bring you: the Lurid Life of Lyurej.
Sarah Palin’s at-best-unimpressive performance in a recent ABC interview revealed conclusively why she hasn’t given any other interviews. “She showed she had no understanding whatsoever of the world at large,” said Mory Ellison, a stupid person. “As a person who is dumber than a brick, that speaks to me.” At a faith forum in California in mid-August, John McCain referred to the “Russian Empire” instead of the “Russian Federation”. The “Russian Empire” has not existed since 1917. Unlike his slip referring to the Czech Republic as Czechoslovakia, this one actually does not make any sense. What’s next–promoting a two-state solution to the fighting in the Kingdom of David and tough talk about Sumeria’s nuclear program? This would be funny if I were making it up, right? (Timestamp: 3:45.) I’m posting this several weeks after the fact to point out how stupid it is to refer to things long after they’ve become irrelevant. Following the recent discovery of a Bigfoot corpse in Georgia, the Russian Army quickly went on the offensive to claim this much-sought-after holy grail of cryptozoology. America, due to its strategic interests in the Caucasian Bigfoot Pipeline, was quick to denounce the move.
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